Marriage Jokes

mytime

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On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.

"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"

Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness --and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."
 

mytime

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A man was sleeping soundly when his wife shook him and said, "Wake up, someone is breaking in!"

The man had gone through this same scenario almost every night of his marriage, and he knew that the only way he would get any rest was to get up and go check it out.

This time, however, he found that there really was a man with a gun who entered to rob the house!

As the thief was about to flee the man said, "Stop! You have to come with me and meet my wife."

Surprised, the thief turned around abruptly and said, "Why would you want ME to meet your wife?"

The man replied, "She's been expecting you for 20 years."
 

mytime

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I'm reaching out on behalf of a fiend of mine who needs some help AND NEEDS to remain anonymous.

His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection.

When he came home, he handed her some diet pills.

Needless to say, he's looking for a place to stay until it's safe.

Can you help your fellow married man?
 

squirt

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Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."
Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you."
 

mytime

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I'm not saying that my wife was naive when we got married, but... she thought "kinky sex" involved her wearing hair curlers to bed.
 

mytime

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The first morning after the honeymoon, the husband got up early, went down to the kitchen, and brought his wife her breakfast in bed.

Naturally, she was delighted. Then her husband spoke. "Have you noticed exactly what I have just done?"

"Of course, Dear, every single detail!"

"Good. Henceforth, that's how I want my breakfast served every morning."
 

mytime

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Scene: A conversation between two of my friends.

Friend #1: Are you visiting us tomorrow? Do you need directions?

Friend #2: I?m all set. I have the address, a GPS, and a GPS override.

Friend #1: What?s a GPS override?

Friend #2: My wife.
 

mytime

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John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear." he said.

"Of course, John," his wife said softly.

"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."

But I thought you hated Bob," she said.

With his last breath John said, "I do!"
 

mytime

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I have learned that if you upset your wife she nags you.....
If you upset her even more you get the silent treatment
Don't you think it's worth the extra effort?
 

mytime

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A group of wives were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?" All the women raised their hands. Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?" Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember. The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband: "I love you, sweetheart." The women were then told to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text message they received, in response.


Here are some of the replies:

1. Who the hell is this?

2. Hey, mother of my children, are you sick or what?

3. Yeh, and I love you too. What's up with you??

4. What now? Did you crash the car again?

5. I don't understand what you mean?

6. What the f*ck did you do now?

7. ?!?

8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?

9. Am I dreaming?

10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.

12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she??
 

mytime

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Divorce Action

"And what was the culmination of events that led you to file this action?" asked the man's attorney in the divorce hearing.
"All through our marriage my wife was less than fully responsive to my sexual initiatives," replied the husband, "but the clincher came one morning at the breakfast table."
"Why? What happened?"
"She announced, 'Just so you don't get your hopes up, I'm already beginning to get a headache.'"
 

mytime

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9 out of 10 husbands agreed that their wives are always right.....


The 10th husband hasn't been seen since the study was conducted.
 

squirt

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A guy brings his best mate home unannounced for dinner at 6:30 after work.

His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade ...

"My bloody hair & makeup are not done, the house is a f****** mess, the dishes aren't done. Can't you see I'm still in my f****** pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!
Why the f*** did you bring him home unannounced you stupid idiot?"

"Because he's thinking of getting married."
 

squirt

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A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He asks, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to New York. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 a night for doing what I do for you for free."
A little later, on her way out, the wife walks past the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he is going, he replies,
"I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a month."
 

01Aladdin

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A man is seen looking very sad and pensive, staring at his wedding photo... wiping a single tear away.

His friend asks, "Why you so sad?"

Wiping another tear the man says, "we've been married 20 years today... i'f id killed her instead of married her, i'd be out by now..."
 

konifur

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My wife and I got into an argument because I accused her of being stupid.

Eventually, she jumped up out of her chair, and yelled, "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't walk out that door!"

I replied, "The plane hasn't landed yet."


 

tasman

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A man asks his wife what she wants for her birthday. She says "I want to be six again.". So on her birthday, he takes her to an amusement park. He takes her on every ride, he plies her with cotton candy, hot dogs, soft drinks and ice cream. He even wins her a huge teddy bear at a game booth. On the way home, he asks her if she had fun being six again. Feeling somewhat nauseated from all the riding, greasy food and sugar, she says" What are you talking about?" He says "You said for your birthday you wanted to be six again.". She says "You idiot! I meant SIZE six."
 

brilor

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My car was in the garage this morning so I asked the wife if I could use hers.
She said, "You can borrow it, but what guarantee have I got you won't crash it?"
I replied, "I've got a cock."


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squirt

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sorry, that's not good enough lol :nono:

[jimg]r7yl/z3/n/e/2/e/ne2ea.baa.1-driving-stats-1a.jpg[/jimg]
 

konifur

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Husband always insisted on making love in the dark. After 20 years wife turns on the light, finds him holding a vibrator. She goes ballistic, "You impotent bastard! How could you lie to me all these years?" Husband looks her straight in the eyes & calmly says, "I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids....."