Medical Jokes

mytime

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#1
Note: A physician claims that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies.

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!"
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "God, Now I know why I am not gay."

And the best one of them all...

13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there."
 

konifur

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#2
I said to him,"I though it would hurt doc, but why have you got both hands on my shoulders."
 

mytime

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#5
Doctor Nick walks into his office to talk to a patient. He looks at the patient and says: "I have good news and bad news. Which would you like?"

"The good news," the patient says.

"Well, the good news is we're gonna name a disease after you."
 

mytime

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#6
Things you don't want to hear during surgery


1 "So Bob, did you hear the news this morning?" "Yeah, something about the sale prices on fresh organs going up..."
2 (Dr sings) The left vein's connected to the...right aorta...the left brain's connected to the..stomach bone...
3 A screwdriver?... This can't be right.
4. someone get that cat out of here.
5 After everything we did, I can't believe this guy is still alive.
6 Ah well, you win some, you lose some...
7 Alright everyone, let's dig in.
8 Alright, this is our first operation, we should set up some kinda system. Hmmm...I'm thinking we have a sort of good cop, bad cop thing going on... -
9 Alright... today's surgery will be performed by an American doctor...
10 An instruction manual would have been nice.
11 And now presenting: "Trading Spaces: Hospital edition!"
12 And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.
13 Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
14 At least he doesn't have brain damage... Wait... Now he does.
15 Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
16 Bo! Bo! Comeback with that! Bad Dog!
17 Check it out! Isn't this 100 times cooler than using juggling balls?
18 Check the fridge... Nope, just beer.
19 Could you stop that thing from beating
20 Death is probable... Now it's certain.
__________________
 

stevent222

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#7
I think I wrote this before long time ago. I was in a pretty bad car accident when I fell asleep behind the wheel and while drunk. Later on I had the chance to read the report the doctor wrote.

Patient has fractured right knee, needing total knee replacement. Clavicle fracture of left shoulder. Deep cuts in both legs due to a bared wire fence. On face deep cut needing plastic surgery above right eye and along lower jaw line. Right ankle fractured in four places. And Patient seems to be in a lot of pain.
 

Goodgrief

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#8
[QUOTE="stevent222, post: 3955345]I think I wrote this before long time ago. I was in a pretty bad car accident when I fell asleep behind the wheel and while drunk. Later on I had the chance to read the report the doctor wrote.

Patient has fractured right knee, needing total knee replacement. Clavicle fracture of left shoulder. Deep cuts in both legs due to a bared wire fence. On face deep cut needing plastic surgery above right eye and along lower jaw line. Right ankle fractured in four places. And Patient seems to be in a lot of pain.
[/QUOTE]


Naw... Really?
 

stevent222

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#9
HA! Yea... Really! I still remember SCREAMING at them to just please knock me out for a week until the pain subsided some. I was praying to myself to just help me and let me passout. [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][/I][/B]
 

mytime

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#10
Colonoscopy Journal:

I called my friend Andy, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.
A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of Canada's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon..
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'
This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
 

brilor

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#11
Never Annoy A Nurse

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the Hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital Staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your
Temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another
Round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce,"I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT Until I get back!"

She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed Under his breath as he heard people walking past his door,
Laughing.....

After about 20 minutes, the man's doctor came into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you Ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confessed..... "Not with a Daffodil."

 

mytime

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#12
When the doctor says: "One of several things could cause your symptoms."
What the doctor means: "I haven't the foggiest idea what's wrong with you."

When the doctor says: "Are you certain you haven't had this before?"
What the doctor means: "Because now you've got it again."

When the doctor says: "I'd like to run that last test over."
What the doctor means: "The lab lost your sample."

When the doctor says: "This prescription has a few side effects."
What the doctor means: "You may experience sudden hair growth on your palms."

When the doctor says: "Your insurance should cover most of this."
What the doctor means: "You'll have to sell your house to cover the rest."

When the doctor says: "Let's go over your symptoms once more."
What the doctor means: "I can't remember who you are."

When the doctor says: "How long have you had these symptoms?"
What the doctor means: "How do you feel about living with them the rest of your life?"

When the doctor says: "It looks like bursitis."
What the doctor means: "Does the name "Quasimodo" ring a bell?"

When the doctor says: "This won't hurt much."
What the doctor means: "Did you bring a bullet to bite?"

When the doctor says: "There's a lot of this going around."
What the doctor means: "And we'll give it a name as soon as we figure out what it is."

When the doctor says: "We'll just remove this ingrown toenail."
What the doctor means: "A cane and orthopedic shoes should help."
 

mytime

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#13
"I had surgery this year. Nothing serious, thank God. But just before I went under I heard the one thing you don't want to hear, 'Where's my lucky scalpel?'"
 

mytime

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#14
A dentist ran out of anesthetic just before the last extraction for the day was scheduled.

He gave the nurse a very large needle, instructing her to jab it hard into the patient's butt when the signal was given, so it would take his attention away from the tooth extraction.

It all happened in an instant.

The nurse, patient, and pliers were in place. The signal was given, and the nurse bayoneted the patient with the needle just as the dentist yanked the tooth.

Afterwards, the dentist asked, "Hurt much?"

The patient hesitated, "Didn't hardly feel it come out. And, man, those roots were really deep!"
 

mytime

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#15
Dr. Kinney completed his examination of the teenage girl and took her mother aside. "I'm afraid," he said, "that your daughter has syphilis."

"Oh, my!" exclaimed the embarrassed woman. "Tell me, could she possibly have caught it from a public lavatory?"

"It's possible," replied the M.D., "but it would certainly have been uncomfortable."
 

mytime

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#16
Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading, "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."

The town fathers were not too happy with the sign, and they proposed "Hysteria and Posteriors."

The doctors didn't find it acceptable, so they suggested "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."

The town didn't like that either and countered with "Catatonics and High Colonics."

Thumbs down again. By now the story was in the papers, and suggestions began rolling in:

"Manic-depressives and Anal-retentive."
"Minds and Behinds."
"Lost Souls and A**holes."
"Analysis and Anal Cysts."
"Queers and Rears."
"Nuts and Butts."
"Freaks and Cheeks."
"Loons and Moons."

None of these satisfied one side or the other, but they finally settled on "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."
 

mytime

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#17
A beautiful young girl and an old lady went to see a doctor. The young girl says "We are here for the appointment."

The doc says, "Very well, go behind the curtain and take off your clothes."

The young girl says "No, no, no. The appointment is for my grandma."

The docs say "Very well madam, please stick out your tongue."
 

mytime

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#18
"Doctor, that rectal exam hurt like hell. What did you do?" asked John.
"I used two fingers." Said the doctor.
"What for?" asked John.
"I needed a second opinion."
 

mytime

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#19
The doctor was surprised to find Randy sitting on the bed holding up his middle finger and sticking out his tongue. He walked over to the nurse who was taking his vitals. "Excuse me," said the doctor, "but why is Randy sitting like that?" The nurse replied, "I told him that you were going to want to examine his sexual organs."
 

mytime

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#20
One old man was sitting on a park bench talking to a new acquaintance.
"I'll tell you," he said, "I've learned that arthritis is the cruelest disease."
"Crueler than cancer?" his friend asked.
"You bet," the first codger replied. "It makes every single one of your joints stiff, except the right one."