Medical Jokes

mytime

Senior Member
Joined
Feb 2, 2009
Messages
3,054
Likes
6
#21
Two doctors in practice in a small country clinic had to hire a new nurse when the one they had won the lottery and quit. They interviewed Nurse Nancy and decided to hire her. She had only worked two days when one doctor called the other to his office and said that they would have to let Nurse Nancy go.

"Why, we just hired her?"

"Well, I think she is dyslexic and gets things backwards. I told her to give Mr. Smith two shots of morphine every 24 four hours, but she gave him 24 shots in two hours and it almost killed him. I told her to give Mrs. Jones an enema every twelve hours and she gave her twelve in one hour."

The doctor had barely finished his reasons when the other doctor rushed out of the room. "Where are you going in such a hurry?" the doctor asked.

"To see Nurse Nancy, I just instructed her to prick Mr. Hill's Boil!"
 

mytime

Senior Member
Joined
Feb 2, 2009
Messages
3,054
Likes
6
#23
Laura fell for her handsome new dentist like a ton of bricks and pretty soon had lured him into a series of passionate encounters in the dental clinic after hours.
But one day he said sadly, 'Laura, honey, we have to stop seeing each other. Your husband's bound to get suspicious.'
'No way, sweetie, he's dumb as a post,' she assured him. 'Besides, we've been fooling around for six months now and he doesn't suspect a thing.'
'True,' agreed the dentist, 'but you're down to one tooth!'
 

mytime

Senior Member
Joined
Feb 2, 2009
Messages
3,054
Likes
6
#24
An elderly gentleman was reading his recovery-room record at the hospital where I work.
He looked quite concerned at one notation.
'I know I was in a bit of a muddle, but I didn't realize I was that bad,' he said to me apologetically. 'I hope I didn't offend anyone.'
He was greatly relieved when I explained the acronym in question meant 'Short Of Breath' and not what he thought.
 

mytime

Senior Member
Joined
Feb 2, 2009
Messages
3,054
Likes
6
#25
I went to the Psychiatrist today. She told me I had a split personality and charged me $150......

I gave her $75 and told her to get the other half from my other half!
 

brilor

Jokeroo Legend
Joined
Mar 26, 2004
Messages
184,616
Likes
7,804
#26
It's Susan’s first time at the gynecologist. She's up in the
stirrups, and she's scared to death. The gynecologist says,
"You're nervous, aren't you?"

She says, "Yes. It's my first time at the gynecologist."

He says, "Would you like me to numb you down there?"

She says, "Please."

He sticks his head between her legs and goes, "Num, num, num..."
 

brilor

Jokeroo Legend
Joined
Mar 26, 2004
Messages
184,616
Likes
7,804
#28
A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.
After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so he asked her,
"Do you know what I am doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breast.
"Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps or breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
"Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes: which is why I came here in the first place."
 

mytime

Senior Member
Joined
Feb 2, 2009
Messages
3,054
Likes
6
#29
The orthopedic surgeon Jane worked for was moving to a new office, and she was helping transport many of the items. She sat the display skeleton in the front of her car, with his bony arm across the back of her seat.

Jane hadn't considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside her became obvious, so she looked across and explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's office."

The other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell you this lady, but I think it's too late!"
 

brilor

Jokeroo Legend
Joined
Mar 26, 2004
Messages
184,616
Likes
7,804
#30
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man
Walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend:
"I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome.
Those people walk just like that."

The other student says:
"No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.
He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They
approached him
And one of the students said to him,
"We're medical students and couldn't help
But notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you
might have.
Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said,
"I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students
think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."


The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."


So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"


The old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"
 

mytime

Senior Member
Joined
Feb 2, 2009
Messages
3,054
Likes
6
#31
Panicking when her toddler swallowed a tiny magnet; my sister, Betty, rushed him to the emergency room.

"He'll be fine," the doctor promised her. "The magnet should pass through his system in a day or two."

"How will I be sure?" she pressed.

"Well," the doctor suggested, "you could stick him on the refrigerator. When he falls off, you'll know."
 

mytime

Senior Member
Joined
Feb 2, 2009
Messages
3,054
Likes
6
#32
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room.

He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.

Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing.

The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"

The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing.

Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a light bulb."

The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.

The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"

Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"
 

mytime

Senior Member
Joined
Feb 2, 2009
Messages
3,054
Likes
6
#33
A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.

Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's arse was that eye staring right back at him.

"You know," said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."
 

mytime

Senior Member
Joined
Feb 2, 2009
Messages
3,054
Likes
6
#34
A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, one Anne Maynard, has sued St Lukes hospital saying that, after her husband was treated there recently, he had lost all interest in sex.



A hospital spokesman replied, "Mr Maynard was actually admitted to Ophthalmology - all we did was correct his eyesight..."
 

mytime

Senior Member
Joined
Feb 2, 2009
Messages
3,054
Likes
6
#35
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a car when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit surprised walked over to where the mechanic was working on the car.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is it that I make $24,000 a year and you make $1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic...."Try doing it with the engine running."
 

mytime

Senior Member
Joined
Feb 2, 2009
Messages
3,054
Likes
6
#36
We were helping customers when the store optometrist walked by and flirted with a co-worker.
Of course, we all had to stop what we were doing to tease her.
But she quickly dismissed the notion of a budding romance. "Can you imagine having sex with an optometrist?" she asked. "It would always be, 'Better like this...or like this?'"
 

mytime

Senior Member
Joined
Feb 2, 2009
Messages
3,054
Likes
6
#37
Two very nervous men got to talking in the doctor's waiting room.
They discovered they had similar symptoms: one had a red ring around the base of his penis and the other one had a green ring.

The fellow with the red ring was examined first.
In a few minutes he came out, all smiles, and said, "Don't worry, man, it's nothing."

Vastly relived, the second man went into the examining room, only to be told a few minutes later by the doctor, "I'm sorry, but you have an advanced case of VD. I'm afraid you'll have to be castrated."
Turning white, the young man gasped, "But the first guy... He said it was no big deal!"
"Well, you know," said the doctor, "there's a big difference between gangrene and lipstick."
 

mytime

Senior Member
Joined
Feb 2, 2009
Messages
3,054
Likes
6
#39
We were helping customers when the store optometrist walked by and flirted with a co-worker. Of course, we all had to stop what we were doing to tease her. But she quickly dismissed the notion of a budding romance. "Can you imagine having sex with an optometrist?" she asked. "It would always be, 'Better like this...or like this?'"
 

mytime

Senior Member
Joined
Feb 2, 2009
Messages
3,054
Likes
6
#40
A senior nurse was showing some student nurses through the hospital. "This will be the most hazardous section in the hospital for you. The men on this floor are almost well."