Medical Jokes

brilor

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#41
"Doctor, won't you please kiss me?" asks the patient.


"No. You're a very beautiful woman, but it's against my code of ethics,"
replies the doctor.


"Please, just one kiss," she pleads.


"Sorry," says the doctor. "It's totally out of the question. I shouldn't
even be fucking you."
 

mytime

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#42
My doctor recently advised me that he wanted me to stop eating white bread....


So I went out and bought a Toaster.
 

brilor

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#43
An old lady goes to the dentist, sits down, drops her panties and lifts her legs.
He says, "I am not a gynaecologist."
She says, "I know, I need my husbands teeth back."
 

brilor

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#44
First-year students at a University Vet Med School were attending their
first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the
surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary
medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor.
The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the
animal's body."

For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger
in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually
took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked a them and said, "The
second most important quality is observation. Note: I stuck in my
middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention.

Life's tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."
 

brilor

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#45
It's Susan’s first time at the gynecologist. She's up in the
stirrups, and she's scared to death. The gynecologist says,
"You're nervous, aren't you?"

She says, "Yes. It's my first time at the gynecologist."

He says, "Would you like me to numb you down there?"

She says, "Please."

He sticks his head between her legs and goes, "Num, num, num
 

brilor

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#47
A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in hospital.
"How are you grandpa? he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"
"No problem at all nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the nurse in charge.
"What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."
 

brilor

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#48
A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargement.

He tells her, 'Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby dooby. I want bigger boobies.'

She did this every day faithfully and after several months ... It worked! She grew great boobs! One night she went to a party, got trashed, and went home with some strange guy. In the morning when she woke up, she didn't know where she was, so she took a shower and left for work.

On the bus she realized that she had forgotten to do her morning ritual. At this point she loved her boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of the bus and said, 'Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies.'

A guy sitting nearby asked her, 'Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?'

'Why, yes, I do. How did you know?'

'Hickory dickory dock ...'
 

brilor

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#49
The Queen is visiting a hospital and asks the first soldier, "And what are you in here for, soldier?"

To which he replies, "Venereal disease."

"Oh dear, what is the treatment for that then?" "A wire brush and antiseptic."

"Oh really, ahm, what is your ambition then, soldier?"

"To get out of here and serve my country."

"Well done, soldier," says the Queen and moves on to the next bed. "And what are you in here for, soldier?"

To which he replies, "Hemorrhoids."

Oh dear, what is the treatment for that then?"

"A wire brush and antiseptic." "To get out of here and serve my country"

"Well done, soldier" says the Queen and moves on to the next bed. "And what are you in here for, soldier?"

To which he replies "Strep throat."

"Oh dear, what is the treatment for that then?"

"A wire brush and antiseptic."

"Oh really, ahm, what is your ambition then, soldier?"

"To get to the wire brush before those other two barstewards!"
 

brilor

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#50
A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?"


The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".
 

konifur

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#54
I`m sure i had a thread somewhere with things stuck in my orifices. Maybe Bamber will link you.
 

amina Mir

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#58
A sexually active woman told her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret, and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she calls in the doctor. 'I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!'

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality, and that the first rose was from him. 'I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself. The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago.'

'And what about the third rose?' she asked. 'That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.'
 

brilor

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#59
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can
clearly see your nuts"