Men and Women

Kryten

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#1
WHO'S WHO
: If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

EATING OUT
: When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
: A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs. A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
: A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a washcloth and towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS
: A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
: A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
: A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
: A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

DRESSING UP
: A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
: Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
: Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
 

squirt

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#2
well Babe, I'm very glad you're a man and that makes me very glad I'm a woman! lol :bravo:
:iloveyou:
 

Kryten

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#5
[jimg]hrqv/z3/3/A/k/d/a.aaa.jpg[/jimg]

"And thus, dear students, we have arrived at the formula for understanding women."
 

Kryten

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#7
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s her boobs are like melons, round & firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. ... After 50, they are like onions".
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."


This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, "Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
The mother smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree".
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes --- dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration!"
 

mytime

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#9
At the banquet of Tom and Susan’s 25th wedding anniversary, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
"Tell us, Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"
Tom responded, "Well, I’ve learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness — and a great many other qualities you wouldn’t have needed if you’d stayed single."
 

mytime

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#10
The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?"
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."
 

Kryten

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#12
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.

The iTit will cost between $499.00 and $699.00 depending on speaker size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their tits and not listening to them.
 

Kryten

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#13
A woman has pains in her lower abdomen so she goes to the gynecologist for a check-up: "Let me have a look... hmm... it's quite obvious - you aren't having enough sex, but I think I can help you."
He drops his trousers on the spot and gives her a good shagging.
"Now go into the next room and my colleague will give you a second opinion." As it turns out, the colleague comes up with the same diagnosis, so he gives her a good shagging as well and sends her into the next room for yet another examination.
The third diagnosis is, "No question. You are having too much sex!" "But your colleagues said I wasn't having enough sex!"
"Oh," says the doctor, "you shouldn't listen to what the painters say."
 

Kryten

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#15
MALE V FEMALE AT THE ATM
MALE PROCEDURE:
1... Drive up to the ATM.
2. LOWER your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Raise window.
7. Drive off..


FEMALE PROCEDURE:
(Unfortunately, most of this is true.!!)

1. Drive up to ATM machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Put hand brake on, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN ...
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to ATM machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card
holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and drive off.
25. Redial person on mobile phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 kilometres.
27. Release Hand Brake.
 

Crudebug

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#19
[QUOTE="squirt, post: 3774278]and what if you do all 3? lol :lookaroun [/QUOTE]
then u’d be a kinky slut who analyses the rationality of being spontaneous creative..