My daughter and her Boyfriend..

AutumnRain

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#1
My daughter met a young man, fell in love and spent every moment she could with him... he was always at my house and I gave him permission to move in with us.. HUGE MISTAKE!
My daughter was (yes was) very headstrong, she knew where her goals lay and she would do anything to reach them..shes studying to be a nurse.
To start with this young man was so good for her, he brought her out her shell and showered her with gifts and flowers and attention..
But as the months go on I can see massive changes in her. She has lost her focus, she no longer goes out with her girls, nor does she spend time with her family..
She spends her day at the hospital then has a long drive home.. he spends his days (just recently) by going to college and it takes him 5 mins to get home.. they never go out anymore.. its a huge battle to get her to come out her room.. and IF we do manage to get them out for the day (with us) then he is ALWAYS ill or tired and wants to come home.. ruining the day for us all..
When they first got together, she was the one who was encouraging him, she got him back into college, back to doing something for himself.. but now i see him as a stone around her neck...
he manipulates her so badly its not healthy..
I did sit them down a month or so ago and spoke calmly about this.. i voiced my fears and my opinions and I listened to what they had to say.. only he said nothing.. he got up stormed off and shouted i could f off.. my daughter said she understood my fears and would try to get things back to how they were....
and they did for a few weeks... but again I am noticed how withdrawn she is, and how little she eats..
she says they are okay but as a mum i know something is up.. I came home yesterday and the atmosphere in my own home was horrible.. i tried to talk to her about her diva attitude and that I have no idea where it comes from but its not a family attitude and it has to stop.. she threw a strop because i asked her to cover a shift at work for me because i have a function on .. her boyfriend came running out the room shouting in pure hatred that I should stop making her feel like crap and to do my own stuff! this coming from a lad who has my lass doing HIS laundry, financially supporting him, does NOTHING, not even take his own dinner plate to be washed!!... needless to say I want him out my house, but if I do so my daughter has clearly stated that she will go with him...my fear is that if she does that he was do even more harm to her....
It hurts, really hurts...
he doesnt support her in anything.. her father died and she was daddys girl... she misses him badly... his brother died when he was just 8 years old and he monopolises grief.. he doesnt let her grieve but expects us to be all *there there* for him.. *sigh*

what to do
 

muchtrouble10

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#2
I need to think about this for a bit. The hardest part of being a parent is seeing a problem and NOT being able to anything about it! Meanwhile, hang in there and take care of YOURSELF! If you NEED him out of the house, ask him to leave...then your daughter has to make her choices. Just let her know that you love her and are willing to help her anytime she needs it. You have a right to ask those close to you for favors...and they have the right to refuse, but saying "I'm sorry but I already made plans for that day", is very different from throwing fits and accusing a person of taking advantage of you. Good luck, Hon! :zebrahug:
 

squirt

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#3
she's got to realize he's not in her best interest all on her own, she's a smart girl and she's had a fantastic mother, she may be smitten at the moment, but that does wear off with time
trust the skills you've given her, they will hit home sooner or later and give her the room to make her own mistakes, while being ready to catch her if/when she falls
that's all we can do as parents once our kids hit a certain age
we've all got to attend that school of hard knocks, as much as we want to spare our children of the growing pains
in the meantime, you have a right to a peaceful home and if that means asking him to leave (and your girl going with him), so be it, at least it won't be under your nose all the time
it's like I told my son, if you don't want my nose in your business, get your business out from under my nose - and he did! lol
hang in there, sunshine, this too shall pass! :hugs:
 

stevent222

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#4
I read up to the point here he said F off. that is when I would of kicked his ass out of the house.
 

Ms.Diablo50

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#5
[QUOTE="stevent222, post: 4087193]I read up to the point here he said F off. that is when I would of kicked his ass out of the house.[/QUOTE]


I like that idea very much but if she does that she just may alienate her daughter, It's not worth it to me. But I would not give up helping my daughter on the side, to get rid of him if he can't move on and get with the program. Then the daughter has all the right to move on and mama will be there for when she needs Mom. Alienateing your children to me is wrong, on so many levels..... Sometimes we have to let them fall from the nest a time a two before they truly get it and fly right.


:hugs:
 

Goodgrief

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#6
It is your house, your rules.

If your daughter and her boyfriend are old enough to have a live-in relationship, then they should have their own place. Perhaps then, she will wake up to the fact that the boyfriend is a mooch.
Live and learn.
 

Ryder

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#7
I didn't live with my boyfriend at the time but we were pretty close. My parents had died when I was really young and I lived with guardians (aunts and uncles..I was shuffled around when I was young). I remember my last uncle pointing the finger to the door (to my then boyfriend) and I left with my boyfriend. Two months later, I was in a horrible relationship with him and asked to come home. I was welcomed with open arms and no questions asked.

From then on, I ended up really cherishing my family and their wisdom. I was young and headstrong and obtuse, which is a by product of youth and seeming immortality. I couldn't even begin to see what my family saw because I chose to hear my boyfriend's static. One thing I will forever cherish was the backbone of my family that stood up and supported me even when I was at my most assholist and non responsive state.

The biggest lesson I learned was and is to never, ever try to second guess parental wisdom.

My uncle and aunt told me that their biggest lesson was to let me go and hope upon hope that my upbringing would bring me to my senses.

I think...I feel that this is a crossroad that will right itself and that time will make it so.

God bless you, please hang tough.

Tara, aka Ryder
 

Goodgrief

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#8
[QUOTE="Ryder, post: 4087360]I didn't live with my boyfriend at the time but we were pretty close. My parents had died when I was really young and I lived with guardians (aunts and uncles..I was shuffled around when I was young). I remember my last uncle pointing the finger to the door (to my then boyfriend) and I left with my boyfriend. Two months later, I was in a horrible relationship with him and asked to come home. I was welcomed with open arms and no questions asked.

From then on, I ended up really cherishing my family and their wisdom. I was young and headstrong and obtuse, which is a by product of youth and seeming immortality. I couldn't even begin to see what my family saw because I chose to hear my boyfriend's static. One thing I will forever cherish was the backbone of my family that stood up and supported me even when I was at my most assholist and non responsive state.

The biggest lesson I learned was and is to never, ever try to second guess parental wisdom.

My uncle and aunt told me that their biggest lesson was to let me go and hope upon hope that my upbringing would bring me to my senses.

I think...I feel that this is a crossroad that will right itself and that time will make it so.

God bless you, please hang tough.

Tara, aka Ryder[/QUOTE]

You have brains and you use them!
 

Ryder

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#9
[QUOTE="Goodgrief, post: 4087369]You have brains and you use them! [/QUOTE]


I still don't have brains but I have tons of caution now that I have a child. Everything that my elders went through, I will go through with my daughter.
 

AutumnRain

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#10
The reason I let him move in here is because she was already saving for a place of her own.. she is a student nurse and gets very little as it is .. i know if i throw him out she will follow and they have no where else to go.. not around here, places are very very expensive and thats before you have to think about food.. i could not and would not do that to my daughter.. shes been through so much.. she used to cut herself when she was a young girl, shes always been a quiet yet outgoing girl..
its just horrible to see what this idiot is doing to her..
 

Goodgrief

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#11
I don't know if there would be a cost involved, but I would suggest (gently) that your daughter should seek counsel.
This guy is abusive and nothing good ever comes from abusive relationships.
 

stevent222

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#13
Ok Honey read your whole story, it's your house and you have the right to feel good and not alienated by this man, when you get the chance i'd ask him to leave. If your daughter feels that she can support this guy and herself with all the other bills that have to be payed along with rent, let her go. She sounds smart enough to realize that this guy is a bum.
 

AutumnRain

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#14
ah flynn that sounds like a good idea...I am so close to throwing in the towel here and leaving everything I have worked so hard for, behind and move back home to my family.. atleast there I will have support


I will NOT put my daughter out on the streets... i dont care if it will teach her something.. I just cannot and will not do that to her.. she is not the one causing the problems its her boyfriend!
 

Flynn

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#15

AR

You should know by now I don't offer advice when people are in crisis but a weeks holiday where you can leave all your baggage at home wouldn't hurt you.
 
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#16
[QUOTE="Goodgrief, post: 4087369]You have brains and you use them! [/QUOTE]

Totally unfair that Tara and Steve Martin have more than one brain whilst me and many others only have the one,grrrrr.
All kidding aside,lots of good replies on here again.
It's hard bringing up children these days,many think they know it all,but adulthood is a completely different ball game entirely,I agree with what Stevent said, the second that guy swore then nite nite son,no way would I nor my wife ever put up with any person swearing at us.