random Jokes

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A boy and a girl, are playing in the sandbox.
Unexpectedly, the boy farted, causing a little sand between his legs to shift.
She notices, and squeals with laughter, "How'd you do that," she asks.
"Easy," he exclaimed, "I just farted."
"Can I try it," she asks?
"Sure," he says, "anybody can do it."
So she strains, and concentrates, and grunts. Suddenly, there's a terrible explosion, the sides of the sandbox fly off, all the sand flies out.
The boy rolls up the hill, he finds himself upside down against a tree.

He groggily gets to his feet, runs over to where the girl is out cold, flat on her back, spread eagle.
He lifts up her dress, peeks underneath, and loudly exclaims:
"Just what I thought, dual exhaust."
 

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A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, "Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?"
The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same manner. After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart.
Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything for this?"

The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried Clearasil?"
 

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A lady asked her husband to take their young son out for the day, so he did. He decided to take him to the zoo first.
On the way there they saw a plane taking off, the boy asked his Dad what it was, The Dad said "that's take off".
When they got to the zoo they saw a zebra, the boy asked his Dad what it was, The Dad said "that's a zebra".
After they'd finished in the zoo he took his son to the park,
While at the park they saw a lady with a baby in a pram, the boy asked his Dad what it was, The Dad said "that's a baby".
When they got back home the mum asked her son if he had learned anything while he was out..

The boy said Yes "take off ze bra, baby!"
 

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There were three babies in a woman's womb, and they were discussing what they would like to be when they were out in the world and grown up.
The first one said "I wanna be a plumber."
The others laughed at this, and asked why he wanted be be a plumber.
He replied, "So I can fix the pipes in here, it's kinda leaky."
The second one said "I wanna be an electrician."
The others thought this was kind of silly too and asked why.
The second baby answered, "so I can get some lights in here, its dark!"
The third one said, "I wanna be a boxer."
The others thought this was hilarious, and laughed for a full five minutes, before asking, "Why in God's name do you want to be a boxer?"

He replied, "So," he said proudly, "I can beat the hell out of that bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us."
 

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Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn't afford it so they had all of them on the same day. They also couldn't afford to go on a honeymoon so they all stayed home with their new hubbies. That night the mother got up because she couldn't sleep.
When she went past her oldest daughter's room she heard screaming. Then she went to her second daughters room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear anything.
The next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest daughter, "Why were you screaming last night?" The daughter replied "Mom you always told me if something hurt I should scream."
"That's true." She looked at her second daughter. "Why were you laughing so much last night?"
The daughter replied "Mom you always said that if something tickled you should laugh."
"That's also true." Then the mother looked at her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"

The youngest daughter replied "Mom you always told me I should never talk with my mouth full."
 

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One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat having sex with a mouse.
Fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouse's confidence with some cheese and then took him next door. The mouse repeated his amazing performance by doing the German Shepherd.
The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery.
He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket.
"Don't be afraid, darling," said the man. "Wait until I tell you about this."

"Get out of here!" cried his wife. "And take that sex maniac with you!"
 

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One evening, a young man was surprised to find that his bar pickup line had worked and that he was headed to his new companion's apartment.
During the drive she explained to him that she was going to show him all about her home state of New Jersey using her body.
"Interesting concept," he thought.
First, she took his hand and placed it on her backside; she explained to him that this was, "Freehold."
Next, she took his other hand and placed it on her chest; she told him that this was, "Point Pleasant."
Again she took his hand, this time she placed it between her legs.
Believing that he was getting the gist of the game, he asked, "So, is this Cherry Hill?"

She smiled at him and said, "No, this is Eatontown!"
 

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We were so poor growing up that Ker-Plunk was just a game to see who had the loudest shit when it dropped into the toilet.
 

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Just been round my Gran's and opened our presents. My 5-year-old son got a bottle of Jack Daniels.
Lucky bastard!
I got Spider Man pyjamas that are way too small for me.
 

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Rowan Atkinson's next film role is to play a comical character who is unable to satisfy his wife.
"Missed her Bean" is showing in cinemas from Friday........
 

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The Government is set to update sex education classes to cover topics like sexting, online porn, and everything else kids might need to become an MP.
 

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Once there was a man named Jim, who let his dog out to relieve himself late one night. He watched some TV, and then remembered to let the dog back in. When he opened the door, he was shocked at what he saw! In his dog's mouth was his neighbor's cat, dead! "Bad dog! BAD DOG!", said the panicked man.
He took the cat away and looked at it. He couldn't bring himself to tell his neighbor what happened, so he decided to clean it up and leave it on the neighbour's porch. He took the cat into the bathroom and washed off all the blood and dirt.
It took him forever. He had to wash it four times to get it all cleaned. He brushed it's beautiful white fur as he blow dried it, and put it's collar back on. Since it was so dark, he snuck into the neighbor's yard, and laid the cat down on the porch, in front of the door.
The next day, he was on his way to the car to go to work and his neighbor was outside.
"Hi," he said. "Hi," replied Jim, nervously. His neighbor said, "something weird happened last night."
"Oh yeah? What's that," asked Jim, sweating now.
"Well, my cat died yesterday, and we buried him, and this morning he was lying on my front porch!"