random Jokes

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After the horse meat found in Tesco burgers scandal a few years ago they have now found thousands of camel toes in Primark leggings.
 

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Prince Charles was driving around his mother's estate when he
accidentally ran over her favourite dog,
crushing it to a pulp. He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on
the grass totally distraught.
The whole world was against him and now his mother would go

ballistic. Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground.He dug it up, polished it and immediately a Genie appeared. "You have freed me
from thousands of years of imprisonment," said the Genie. "As a reward I shall grant you one wish."
"Well, " said the Prince, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog." They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog. "Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?"
The Genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head. "This
body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Is there something else you would like?"
Prince Charles thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos
First Photo - "I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana,"
said Prince Charles.
Second Photo - "But now I love this woman called Camilla,""You see Camilla isn't beautiful at all, so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana?"
The Genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes
said, "Let's have another look at the dog!"
 

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A Marine boarded a train on his way home from deployment...
The train was quite crowded, and the Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat.
There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed middle-aged French woman, but when he got there he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude.. My little Fifi is using that seat.."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, Ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
 

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I got home and stormed at the wife.
I've been told the postman has had sex with every woman in this street apart from one??
Wife said, yeah, and I bet its that stuck up bitch at number 20!!
 

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Driving my daughter to her swimming lesson this morning, I asked
"So what are you doing today then?"
"It's 'locate and rescue' today." She said, "We've to dive under and grab a rubber brick from the bottom."
I said "You're going to have to hold your breath for a good while."
"Why, is it hard to find?" She asked.
"No idea." I said, winding up the windows "But I've just farted."
 

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A man says to his wife, "Tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time".
His wife replies "You've got a bigger dick than your brother".
 

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A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied...
"Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"..
..I just lost it......."CASE DISMISSED!!"
 

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An American woman has alleged that Prince Andrew forced her to have sex with him while she was a minor.
Meanwhile, Buckingham Palace has offered the woman a goodwill gift of a trip to Paris complete with chauffeur-driven Mercedes.
 

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I took a meat pie back to the supermarket In Store Bakery today.
When I got it home I took the pie lid off and there was a fly under it ,so back I went.
I asked to see the manager, who eventually arrived.
I showed him the pie and it's contents and pointed to the fly .
He looked at me snidely and said That Is Fat !
I said I KNOW IT'S FAT !
It's eaten most of the fucking MEAT By the looks of it !
 

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A husband and wife decided they needed to use "a code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it.
They decided on the word "typewriter."
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter."
The child told her mom what her dad said and her mother responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now because there's a red ribbon in the typewriter."
The child went back to tell her father what mommy had said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."

The child told her father, and then returned to her mother and announced,
"Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."
 

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I was lying in bed with my girlfriend last night when she said, "I think my boobs are too small, I'm going to get a boob job."
"Hmm," I replied, "my hands are too small... what do you think I should do?"
"Do you want a hand job?
 

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THE HISTORY OF YODELLING
Back in the olden days, a man was traveling through
Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching, and the
man had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse
and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.
The farmer told him that it would be all right, and that
he could sleep in the barn. The man went into the barn
to bed down and the farmer went back into the house.

The farmer's daughter came down from upstairs
and asked the farmer, "Who was that man
going into the barn?"

"That's some fellow traveling through," answered the farmer.
"He needed a place to stay for the night, so I said that
he could sleep in the barn."

The daughter then asked the farmer, "Did you
offer the man anything to eat?"

"Gee, no, I didn't," the farmer answered.
The daughter said, "Well, I'm going to take
him some food."

She went into the kitchen, prepared a plate of food and
then took it out to the barn. The daughter was in the
barn for an hour before returning to the house.
When she came back in, her clothes were all disheveled
and buttoned up wrong, and she had several strands of
straw tangled up in her long blonde hair.
She immediately went up the stairs to her bedroom
and went to sleep.

A little later, the farmer's wife came down and asked
the farmer why their daughter went to bed so early.

"I don't know," said the farmer. "I told a man that he could
sleep in the barn and our daughter took him some food."

"Oh," replied the wife. "Well, did you offer the man
anything to drink?"

"Umm, no, I didn't," said the farmer.
The wife then said, "I'm going to take something out
there for him to drink."

The wife went to the cellar, got a bottle of wine, then went
out to the barn. She did not return for over an hour,
and when she came back into the house, her clothes
were also messed up and she had straw twisted into
her blonde hair. She went straight up the stairs
and into bed.

The next morning at sunrise, the man in the barn got up
and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he
left the farm.

A few hours later, the daughter woke up and came rushing
downstairs. She went right out to the barn, only to find it empty. She ran back into the house.

"Where's the man from the barn?" she eagerly
asked the farmer.

Her father answered, "He left several hours ago."
"What?" she cried. "He left without saying good bye?
After all we had together? I mean, last night he made
such passionate love to me!"

"What?" shouted the father. "He took advantage
of you?"

The farmer ran out into the front yard looking for the
man but by now the man was halfway up the side
of the mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm gonna get you!
You had sex with my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside,
cupped his hands next to his mouth and yelled out:

"I laid the old laDEE, too!"

So that is how yodeling came about.
 

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A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission.
So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one, although he does see a set of jumper cables in his trunk.
In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free.

He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything."
 

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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?".
The husband looks up from is coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes I do" she replies.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued... "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said..."I would have gotten out today.