random Jokes

brilor

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A week after their marriage, Phil and Jill (newlyweds) paid a visit to their doctor.
"I can't figure it out doc, and I'm really worried," said Phil. "My
family jewels are turning blue."

"That's pretty unusual," said the doctor. "Let me examine you."
The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, Phil's both are blue.
The doctor turns to Jill. "Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed?"
"Yes, I am," she replied.
"And what kind of jelly are you using with it?

"Grape.
 

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One night this guy and his girlfriend were about to go into his
apartment and before he could open his door his girlfriend said.

"Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door."
So the guy says, "Well, give me some examples."
So the girlfriend proceeds to tell him, "Well the first way is, if
a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me.

Then she said, "The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole than that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either."
Then she said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?"

He then proceeded to say, "Well, first before I do anything else, I lick the lock."
 

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Boobs are to men,what Fisher-Price stacking rings are to babies,they feel good are fun to play with,and always wind up in the mouth.
 

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Apparently women are more likely to give circumcised men blow-jobs rather than uncircumcised,i guess they can't resist anything with 20% off!
 

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A guy goes on to a ship to sail (and work) but he notices no women on board so he runs to the captian Guy: capt. capt.! theres no women on borad what will be do for pleasure??? capt.:Ohh... dont worry me laddie just stick ur dick in that barrel and everything will be alright So after a few weeks at sea the guy sticks his dick in the barrel and gets a wonderful sensation. So he does this every day after that until one day he sticks his dick in the barrel and nothing happens So he runs to thecaptain and says Guy: capt capt! i stuck my dick in the barrel and nothing happed! Capt.: Ohhh i forgot to tell you laddie its your turn inthe barrel!
 

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Three couples go camping and one couple forgets their tent.
So they decide all the men will sleep in one tent, and the 3 women will sleep in the other.
Franks straight off to sleep, snoring uproariously, keeping the other two awake.
In the middle of the night, John says, "Bob, I can’t sleep. And look atthe size of this hard-on I’ve got. It must be all the fresh air. I’m goingover to see my wife."
Bob says, "You want me to come with you?"

John says, "Why the hell would I want you to come with me?"
Bob says, "Because that’s my penis you’re holding."
 

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A man returned home earlier than usual. His son met him, very upset, and crying, "Daddy, there's a monster in your bedroom."
"There's a what?"
"A monster. And he's hidden in mummy's wardrobe."
So the man went upstairs, found his wife in bed and opened the wardrobe door. Inside, his oldest friend tried vainly to hide himself behind a rack of dresses.
"Twenty years, you've been my friend," bellowed the husband, pulling his former friend out by the hair, "And the best thing you can find to do is frighten my little boy!?
 

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As I sat down in the pub with my pint, I put my Nokia 3310 on the table in front of me.
My mate immediately burst out laughing and put his iPhone next to mine. I gave it a disdainful look.
"Why don't you get a better phone, mate?" he asked.
"I don't need one." I replied. "My phone does everything that I need and it's better than yours."
He burst out laughing again. "Better than mine?" he roared. "Mine has 3G, Wi-Fi, the iMessage service, a best-in-class browser, 10 megapixel camera, access to the App Store for virtually unlimited customisation plus a built-in iPod for all my music. If yours is better than mine, I'll give you my phone."
"I don't want your phone." I said, "Mine's the best, why would I want a second-best, second-hand phone?
I tell you what, though, if I can prove that mine is better than yours, how about you give me the cash equivalent of your phone?"
"You're on!" he crowed. "Show me something with your phone and I'll show you how mine is better."
Casually, I knocked my phone off the table
 

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Frank always looked on the bright side.
He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism.
No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply,
"It could have been worse."
To cure him of his annoying habit, his

friends decided to invent a situation so
completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.
On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the
gun on himself!"
"Omg. That's awful," said Frank, "But it could have been worse."
"How in the hell," asked his bewildered
friend, "Could it have been worse?"
"Well," replied Frank, "If it happened the
night before, I'd be dead now!"
 

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A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural Kentucky.
Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force.
By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left, smouldering in a tree line that bordered the farm.
The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone.
They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened.
They hurried over to the man's tractor. "Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath.
"Did you see this terrible accident happen?" "Yep. Sure did," the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor's engine.
Do you realize that is Air Force One, the airplane of the President of the United States?"
"Yep." "Were there any survivors?"
"Nope. They's all kilt straight out, "the farmer answered.
"I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning."
"President Trump is dead?" the sheriff asked.
"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor.

"He kept a-saying he wasn't . . . But you know how bad that son of a bitch lies.
 

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A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes.
When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed.
So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine.
While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl.
He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time.
The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.
"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed.
"Quick give me some talcum powder!"
She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands.
When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious.
"Where the hell have you been!"
He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her."
"Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.

"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!
 

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A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers : 'Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?'
The husband laughs and says: ‘An Italian girl.’
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: 'So, honey, how was the trip?'
'Very good, thank you.' 'And, what happened to my present?'
'Which present?' She asked.
'The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!'
'Oh, that' she said

'Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for 9 months to see if it is a girl !!!'
 

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I was walking down a country lane in Wales yesterday.
And I saw this guy having Sex with a Sheep and I just didn't know what to say.
So I said embarrassingly, "Are You Shearing"..???

He said "NO... Now Fuck Off and get your Own"..