random Jokes

brilor

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John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

"He's an a--hole," John said. "Piss on him."

"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."

"Well, F--- him!" said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday."
 

brilor

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A boss said to his secretary, “I want to have SEX with you. I will make it very fast. I’ll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I’ll be done.”

She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, “Do it but ask him for $2000, then pick up the money so quickly that he wouldn’t even have enough time to undress himself.” So she agrees.

Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, “What happened?”

She responds, “The Bastard used coins I’m still picking and he is still f..king!”
 

stevent222

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An important politician was seen moving around with a film actress for a couple of months, with whom he finally decided to plunge into matrimony.

But being cautious, he hired a private detective for the job of looking into her past and finding out if she had any previous affairs with any men.

After a few days, the politician at last received his detective's report, which went like this:

"Sir, this lady has a spotless reputation. Her past is clear, her family and friends all come from a very respectable background. No one has anything against her character. But yes, according to my sources, for the last couple of months she's been frequently seen flirting with a politician with a dubious reputation."
 

squirt

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Arelene Foster walked into a branch of the Bank of Ireland to cash a cheque.
As she approached the cashier she said, “Good morning, could you please cash this cheque for me?”
Cashier: “It would be my pleasure Madam . Could you please show me your ID?”
Arlen: “Well I didn’t bring my ID with me as I didn’t think there was any need to. I am Arlene Foster Stormont's First Minister !”
Cashier: “I’m sorry, but with all the regulations, monitoring of the banks because of imposters, fraud and forgers, etc. I must insist on proof of identity.”
Arlene “Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you.
Everybody knows who I am.”
Cashier: “I am sorry Mrs Foster; these are the bank rules and I must follow them.”
Arlene : “I need this cheque cashed.”
Cashier: “Perhaps there’s another way. One day Rory McIllroy came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Rory McIllroy he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful putt across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Rory and cashed his cheque.
“Another time, Ronan O'Gara came in without ID. He pulled out a rugby ball and made a fabulous drop kick where the ball landed in my coffee mug. With that spectacular kick we cashed his cheque.
So madam , what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, the First Minister ?”
Arlene stood there thinking and finally says: “Honestly, I can’t think of a single thing I’m good at.”
Cashier: “Will that be £100 notes or £200 notes, First Minister?".
smileyheehee1.gif
 

brilor

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John was looking for a little "action." He picked up a sweet young thing at the bar and took her back to his hotel room.

Little did he know that she was darn near insatiable.

After six times having sex, she was screaming for more.

After the eighth time, Jon told her that he needed to slip out for a pack of cigarettes.

On the way out, he stopped into the men's room. He stood in front of the urinal, unzipped his pants, and felt a moment of panic when he couldn't find his genitals.

After a few seconds of fishing around, he finally said, "Look, come out, it's okay. She's not here!"
 

brilor

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Tillie and Chester knew each other from childhood but were in their seventies when they got married. They had to wait for Tillie's mother to pass away first, because she didn't approve of Chester. Back in those days there was no hanky panky before marriage so Chester and Tillie were both still virgins.

Needless to say Chester was pretty excited on their wedding night, having waited so patiently all these years. However, Tillie was very apprehensive as she had developed a heart condition and would have to tell Chester that they could not do it.

Chester is now sitting on the bed wanting Tillie to hurry up. He detects a little reluctance on her part. Thinking that she is just shy, he sends her off to the bathroom to get undressed.

When she reappears in her satin nightie, he gets her to sit next to him on the bed. Not knowing how to get things started, he pulls the first strap on her nightie. She blushes just as red as her satin nightie. She is really concerned about telling Chester about her heart condition.

In the meantime Chester is looking at the first breast he has seen since his own mother's. It is hanging there down to her belly button; gravity having taken its course over some sixty years.

He notices her anxiety but figures she is going have to be helped a little more.

Now he pulls the second strap and sees the second breast unroll downward before him. Poor Tillie is now beside herself. She is going to have to tell Chester about her heart.

With a quivering voice and mustering up all her courage, she says, Chester, I have acute angina."

Chester says, "I hope so, 'cuz you've sure got ugly ta-tas!"
 

brilor

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WOMEN ARE ALWAYS RIGHT!

WHY?

BECAUSE THEY'RE WOMEN!

EXAMPLE....HUSBAND IS BUTTERING SOME TOAST AND WIFE SAYS........"IF YOU DROP THAT TOAST IT WILL LAND ON THE BUTTERED SIDE!"

"NO IT WON'T"

"YES IT WILL!....IT ALWAYS LANDS ON THE BUTTERED SIDE"

"NAW...IT MUST BE 50/50"

"DROP IT AND SEE"

HE DROPS THE TOAST AND IT LANDS WITH THE BUTTER ON THE TOP

"THERE YOU GO!... I TOLD YOU IT WAS 50/50"

"YOU MUST HAVE BUTTERED THE WRONG SIDE"

I rest my case!
 

brilor

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The eighty-eight-year-old millionaire married an eighteen-year-old country girl. He was quite content, but after a few weeks she told him that she was going to leave him if she didn't get some loving real soon. He had his chauffeured limousine take him to a high-priced specialist who studied him and then gave him a shot of spermatozoa. "Now look," the doctor said, "the only way you're going to get it up is to say "beep," and then to get it soft again, you say, "beep, beep."

"How marvellous," the old man said.

"Yes, but I must warn you," the doctor said," it's only going to work three times before you die."

On his way home, the man decided he wasn't going to live through three of them anyway, so he decided to waste one trying it out. "Beep!" he said. Immediately he was UP. Satisfied, he said, "beep, beep," and he was down again. He chuckled with delight and anticipation. At that moment, a little yellow Volkswagen pulled past his limousine and went "beep," and the car in the opposite lane responded with "beep beep."

Alert to his jeopardy, the old man instructed his chauffeur to "speed it up." He raced into the house as fast as he could for his last great lay. "Honey," he shouted at her, "don't ask questions. Just drop your clothes and hope into bed." Caught up in his excitement, she did. He undressed nervously and hurried in after her. Just as he was climbing into bed, he said, "beep," and he was UP.

He was just starting to enter his young wife when she said,, "What's all this "beep beep" crap?"
 

brilor

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A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one. After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him.

The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar -- A saltshaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice. The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.

"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice." So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks - this is OK.

Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it .... In one second the sharp lime taste hits... .... At two seconds the Baileys curdles .... At three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits. This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink. When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says,

"Jesus, what do you call that drink?"

She smiles widely at him and says,

"B-J Revenge."
 

brilor

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A sheik employed a track star to run from the palace to his harem, which was about three miles away, to fetch one of his wives whenever he was in the mood.

The sheik would nod and the track star would take off.

This event usually took place about three times a day until the runner died at age 36.
The sheik lived to be 96.

The moral of the story is,

"Sex doesn't kill you... it's the running after it that does."
 

brilor

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On their wedding night, Bruce displays his 'old johnson' to his new blonde virgin bride and tells her it's the only one in the world.

She, of course, believes him.

He's gone for a conference for a couple of weeks and returns, only to be questioned by his new wife.

"Bruce," she says, "I thought you said you had the only one in the world. But Harry at the drug store has one too."

"Well, er," Bruce flusters, "Harry and I were in the war together, I had two, so I gave him one of mine."

"Oh. Well, why did you give him the big 'One'?"
 

brilor

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A man is having problems with his manhood, which certainly had seen better times. He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years. Your thingie is burned out. You can only have sex 30 times more."

The man walks home, deeply depressed.

His wife is waiting for him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem.

He tells her what the doc told him.

She says, "Oh no! Only 30 times! We shouldn't waste that! We should make a list!"

He replies, "Yes, I already made a list on the way home. Sorry, your name isn't on it."
 

brilor

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Grandmother and granddaughter were in the bank when three bank robbers walked in and held it up.

"All the women down on the floor," one handsome robber commanded.

"My grandmother too?" the little girl asked.

"Yes, your grandmother too!"

"All the women on the floor, pull up your dresses."

"My grandmother too?"

"Yes, your grandmother too! All women will now remove their panties."

"Surely you don't mean my grandmother too?" asked the little girl.

Becoming angry, the handsome robber shouted, "YES, YOUR GRANDMOTHER TOO! Now, all the women on the floor are to spread their legs apart."

When the little girl started to ask if her grandmother was included, her grandmother snarled, "YOU HEARD WHAT THE MAN SAID!"
 

brilor

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"Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her? I am desperate!"

The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental. The tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE."

"I don't know, Doc, she's awfully cold..."

"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"

"Um... okay." The guy expresses gratitude and leaves for home, where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. The man hastily pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then inspiration strikes, he drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns with the shortcake and they enjoy their dessert and coffee.

A few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look comes over her. In a near whisper, and a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I...need... a man..."

His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies,

"Me too..."