random Jokes

brilor

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A woman is very distressed because she has not been married very long and yet her husband has lost interest in sex. So she goes to see her doctor and relays the problem.

The doctor doesn't seem worried at all and tells her that it is nothing serious, that her husband has merely lost his animal instincts. The doctor tells her to crumble some dog biscuits on her husband's cereal every morning without telling him, and little by little this will bring out the savage beast in him. He wishes her good luck and tells her to come back in a week with a progress report.

A week later the woman returns to the doctor, who asks how her husband is.

"He's dead," she replies.

"Dead?" the doctor asked.

"Yes. He was sitting in the driveway licking his balls, and I backed over him with the car.''
 

brilor

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It's been snowing all night. So the morning goes like this;

8:00 I made a snowman.

8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.

8:15 So, I made a snow woman.

8:17 The nanny of the neighbours complained about the snow woman's
voluptuous chest.


8:20 The gay couple living nearby grumbled that it could have been two
snowmen instead.


8:25 The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose,
as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.


8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 The Muslim gent across the road wants the snow woman to wear a
headscarf.


8:40 Someone calls the cops who show up to see what's going on.

8:42 I am told that the broomstick of the snowman needs to be removed
because it could be used as a deadly weapon. Things get worse after I mutter
: "Certainly, if it's up your a***"


8:45 TV news crew from the BBC shows up. I am asked if I know the
difference between snowmen and snow-women? I reply, "Snowballs" and am
called a sexist.


8:52 My phone is seized and thoroughly checked while I am being handcuffed
and taken to the police station in a marked van.


9:00 I'm on the News as a suspected terrorist bent on stirring up trouble
during difficult weather.


9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices.

9:29 A little-known jihadist group has claimed it was their plot.

Moral: There is no moral to this story. It's just the world in which we live
today!
 

squirt

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It's been snowing all night. So the morning goes like this;

8:00 I made a snowman.

8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.

8:15 So, I made a snow woman.

8:17 The nanny of the neighbours complained about the snow woman's
voluptuous chest.


8:20 The gay couple living nearby grumbled that it could have been two
snowmen instead.


8:25 The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose,
as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.


8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 The Muslim gent across the road wants the snow woman to wear a
headscarf.


8:40 Someone calls the cops who show up to see what's going on.

8:42 I am told that the broomstick of the snowman needs to be removed
because it could be used as a deadly weapon. Things get worse after I mutter
: "Certainly, if it's up your a***"


8:45 TV news crew from the BBC shows up. I am asked if I know the
difference between snowmen and snow-women? I reply, "Snowballs" and am
called a sexist.


8:52 My phone is seized and thoroughly checked while I am being handcuffed
and taken to the police station in a marked van.


9:00 I'm on the News as a suspected terrorist bent on stirring up trouble
during difficult weather.


9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices.

9:29 A little-known jihadist group has claimed it was their plot.

Moral: There is no moral to this story. It's just the world in which we live
today!
1sm181GoldStars.gif
 

brilor

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Dolly wanted a new living room set but her husband kept saying "No." Everyday she would ask him to please let her have the set. Everyday he would say "No."
One day he decided to end this discussion once and for all. When Dolly asked, he looked at her and said, "You can have that living room set you have been wanting, but only on one condition."
Dolly was so excited! "Anything you want, honey!"
"Well," he began, "when you grow hair on your chest, I'll buy you that living room."
"Grow hair on my chest?"
Dolly was devastated. "How am I going to do that?"
Her husband just smiled and went off to work.
Arriving home that night, he found Dolly waiting for him. Her eyes sparkled and the smile she wore was almost as big as the day they wed.
"Honey," she trilled, "I ordered my living room set this afternoon!"
"You dddid???" her husband stammered. "You have hair on your chest now? I mean real hair, not a toupee, or some animal hair pasted on!"
"I sure do!" she replied.
"No way! Let me see it." replied her husband.
"OK!" she said as she lifted up her skirt.
"There it is!" She pointed to her privates.
"HONEY! That is not your chest!"
"Oh, yes it is! Before we were married it was your 'hope' chest. Since we've been married it's been your 'tool' chest. And if I don't get my living room set, it's going to be the 'community' chest!!.
 

brilor

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After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see theObstetrician.
'Doctor,' the man said,
'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine!!'
'Nonsense,' the doctor said...
'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'
'It isn't possible,' the man insisted.
'This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair forgenerations.'
"Well, said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex???"
The man seemed a bit ashamed..
'I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.'
'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently....
"It's Rust."
 

brilor

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An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists around the Top End of Oz.
On their way to Kakadu he was describing the amazing abilities of theAustralian Aborigines to track Man or Beast over Land, through the Air and under the Sea.
The Americans Tourists were incredulous.
Later in the day, as the group rounded a bend on the highway they discovered, lying in the middle of the road, an Aborigine.
He had one Ear pressed to the White Line, whilst his left Leg was held high in the Air..!
The Tour Bus stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered aroundthe prostrate Aborigine...
"Hey Jacky," said the Tour Guide, "What are you Tracking and what are you Listening for..?"
The Aborigine replied, "Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Valiant Ute... It's a Red One… the left front Tyre is bald... The front end is out of whack, and him got bloody dents in every panel... There are 9 black fellas in the back, all drinking warm Sherry. There are 3 Kangaroos onthe roof rack and 4 Dogs on the front seat."
The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge. "Good Lord man, how do you know all that information"..??? asked one tourist.
The Aborigine replied:...
"Cos Boss, I fell out of the fucking thing about half an hour ago!!
 

brilor

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My friend was looking at an old picture of me without a beard and asked, "Did you grow a beard?"
"No, I shaved my photos," I replied!
 

brilor

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A guy complains to his doctor that his sex life is deteriorating rapidly. The doctor tells him he needs to reintroduce excitement, guilt and so on into the process. He ponders this for a few days and hatches a plan.

"Well," he says to the doctor "A week ago, I did everything you suggested. The boss let me leave work an hour early. I sped home and I skidded all the way up the driveway. I slammed open the door, charged into the house and found Sheila in the living room. I stripped her and we went at it on the coffee table."

"And did you enjoy it?" asked the doctor enthusiastically.

"Well," says the guy slowly and thoughtfully, "somewhat, but her Bible group was kind of surprised."
 

brilor

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An Army recruit went to see the Medical Captain for a new pair of glasses.

The Captain looked in his book of record and said, "But you just got a new pair last month!"

"Yes sir, b.. bu.. but I got them b.. broken in an accident," stammered the man.

"Accident, what kind of an accident?" The Captain looked in his book of Accident definitions and glossaries, "Road-march accident, Firing Range accident, PT accident, drill accident?"

"No, no nothing of those," said the private.

"Well then, what is it?"

"I'd rather not tell you sir..."

"Well, no satisfactory explanations, no new glasses," said the medical officer, ready to stand up.

"I've to see my patients now."

"No, no sir wait, I broke them when I was kissing my girlfriend," blurted the private.

"Don't be daft man, how could you break your glasses kissing a girl?"

"You see she crossed her legs...."
 

brilor

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A little 80 year old lady had always wanted to join a local bikers club.

One day she goes up and knocks on a biker's door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She proclaims, "I want to join your club."

The guy was quite amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join he explains. The biker asks; "Do you have motorcycle?

The little old lady replies, "Yep, my bike's parked over there and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.

The biker asks, "Do you drink?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep, drink like a fish. I'll drink everyone in your club under the table."

The biker asks, "Do you smoke?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least 2 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple more in the evening, while I'm shooting pool."

The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my ta-tas a few times."
 

brilor

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John comes home all excited with this bottle and says to Jill, "I bought this at the store. It is supposed to be a topical lovemaking aid for women. When applied to the 'specified place' a rush of blood is let in and the woman is supposed to experience pleasures she's never dreamed of. I can't wait for you to try it out."

"Really??" Jill said grabbing it out of his hand "Let me look at the directions for use."

John hands over the bottle and Jill says, "Ohhhhh, now I see why you can't wait for me to try it out. The directions say 'Apply liberally with tongue'"
 

brilor

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My boss yelled at me this morning.

“It’s the fifth time you’ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!”

I said, “It’s Friday?"