random Jokes

brilor

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What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

Wiped his ass!
 

brilor

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The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, they guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal. Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
 

konifur

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Lionel Messi was in a nightclub when he spots a good looking girl on the dance floor.
He goes straight over to her, sticks his hand down her knickers, and asked if she fancies a shag.
"Bloody hell" she said " Your a little forward, aren't you?".
 

brilor

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Once upon a time there were two brothers.
One brother was very mischievous, always getting into trouble. The other
brother, however, was very good. He was always kind to animals, helped
elderly neighbours, and led an exemplary life......
As time went on, the brothers stayed in

touch but were never close. The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a
womanizer. The other brother was a devoted husband and father and
supported many charities
One day the evil brother died. Then, after a
few years, the good brother passed away. He went to heaven and was
rewarded with a happy after life.
One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother?
He died before me, but I have not seen him here in heaven.."
God replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life,
so he is not spending eternity here in heaven.
He has been sent elsewhere ..."
I'm sorry to hear that", the good brother replied.
"But I do miss him and wish I could see him again. "You can see him if you wish",
God said "I will give you power to gaze into hell."
So the power was granted and the good
brother gazed into hell. Before long he saw his brother sitting on a
bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous
young blonde.
The good brother turned to God and said,
"I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a keg
of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hell can not
be that bad."
God explained.
"Things are not always as they seem, my son.
The keg has a hole in it.
The blonde doesn't.."
 

brilor

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John decided to visit his friend, Dave,who had just moved into a new high-rise apartment building. As he parked his car and got out, he heard a woman's voice say, "Hi there, big boy."

Looking up, he saw a gorgeous lady-dressed in a shear negligee, leaning over the railing. Come on up and see me," she purred.

John wasn't about to pass up an opportunity like that! He took the elevator to the fifth floor, and as he got off-an apartment door opened and the sexy lady beckoned him toward her.

John walked over to the open door. "I've been waiting for someone like you, "the lady said as she slowly walked towards him and then she gave him a sharp whack between his legs.

John jumped back in alarm. "What the hell did you do that for?" he cried.

She answered, "That'll teach you to take my parking place!!
 

stevent222

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A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband said, "I bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and sad at The same time".


The wife thought for a few moments, then said, "Your penis is bigger
Than your brother's"
 

brilor

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A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a feeling of generosity.

He called them into his shop and said, "I have a surprise for you. I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way.

About a month later the little lady came in to his shop. "And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.

"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"
 

konifur

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I went into the bank and walked up to the lady at the desk and said, "I want to open a fucking bank account."

"Excuse me, what did you say ?" she replied.

"I said I want to open a FUCKING bank account."

"I'm willing to help you," she said, "But if you keep using that kind of language I'll have to get the manager over here."

"Why, because i want to open a fucking back account ?"

The lady had it and stormed off the the back to get the manager. She came back with the bank manager and he said to me, "Sir, what seems to be the problem ?"

I said to him, "The problem is that I just want to open up a fucking bank account here for £900,000."

The manager replied, "Oh, and is this cunt giving you a hard time !"
 

stevent222

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A man had just been married and came to work in a hurry the next day. He
went up to a friend and said, "You must help me. My wife and I are both virgins and we don't know what to do!"

The friend replied, "Where are you going for your honeymoon?"

Man says, "To Disney World."

Friend, "OK, I'll come along with you and the first night I'll hide in the closet. if you have a problem....I'll be there."

Man, "Thank you!"

They did exactly that. The man left his wife and went to the bathroom.
He stubbed his toe as he reentered the bed and uttered an , "Oh...shit!"

His friend in the closet whispered, "Flip her over! Flip her over!"