random Jokes

brilor

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Two guys are talking about what they would do if the world was coming to an
end.


First guy says " I would s**g anything that moved, what would you do?"

Second guy said "I would be as still as possible!"
 

brilor

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A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning.

Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed.

Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Honey, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, darling," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"

"Yeah, so?" said the officer.

"Well what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?"
 

konifur

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Missing first page of Anne Frank‘s diary found:
Monday - got up. Stayed in.
Tuesday - got up. Stayed in.
Wednesday - must overcome my reluctance to put my thoughts down on paper; after all, it’s not as if anyone else is ever going to read this, is it?
 

brilor

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A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks.
The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old pals.
So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, coochy coo?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the pub, pretty face.
I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop..but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses."
He didn't get to finish the sentence because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?"
She took a huge beer glass out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, honey, but at the bar they have those snacks that are really delicious I won't be long.
I'll be right back.
I promise. OK?"
You want snacks, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of : chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that."
"You want dirty words, Dickhead?
Drink your effing beer in your effing frozen glass and eat your effing snacks because you are married now, and you aren't effing going anywhere!
Got it, you effing idiot?"


And they lived happily ever after.
Now, isn't that a sweet story?
 

brilor

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3 boys are talking in the playground. The 1st boy says, "My Dad's the fastest man in the world." "How do you know that?" Asks the other boys. "Because he can fire a bow and arrow and run and catch it!" He replies."That's nothing," says the 2nd boy. "My Dad can fire a gun and run and catch the bullet!" That's nothing says the 3rd boy, "My Dad works for the Council, he finishes at half 4 and he's in the house for 2."
 

brilor

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A carload of hunters, looking for a place to hunt, pulled into a farmers yard.

The driver went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to hunt.

The old farmer said, "Sure you can hunt, but would you do me a favor?

That old mule standing over there is 20 years old and sick with cancer, but I don't have the heart to kill her. Would you do it for me?"

The hunter said, "Sure," and headed for the car.

While walking back, however, he decided to pull a trick on his hunting buddies.

He got into the car and when they asked if the farmer had said OK, he said "No, we can't hunt here, but I'm going to teach that old cuss a lesson."

With that, he rolled down his window, stuck his gun out and blasted the mule.

As he exclaimed, "There, that will teach him!" a second shot rang out from the passenger side.

And, one of his hunting buddies shouted:

"I got the Cow!"
 

squirt

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A carload of hunters, looking for a place to hunt, pulled into a farmers yard.

The driver went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to hunt.

The old farmer said, "Sure you can hunt, but would you do me a favor?

That old mule standing over there is 20 years old and sick with cancer, but I don't have the heart to kill her. Would you do it for me?"

The hunter said, "Sure," and headed for the car.

While walking back, however, he decided to pull a trick on his hunting buddies.

He got into the car and when they asked if the farmer had said OK, he said "No, we can't hunt here, but I'm going to teach that old cuss a lesson."

With that, he rolled down his window, stuck his gun out and blasted the mule.

As he exclaimed, "There, that will teach him!" a second shot rang out from the passenger side.

And, one of his hunting buddies shouted:

"I got the Cow!"
lol ...
 

brilor

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In light of the proposed merger between Asda and Sainsbury's it has just been announced that Poundstretcher and Marks & Spencer's are to merge too. It will now be known as Stretch Marks.
 

konifur

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A mugger holds a man at gunpoint and says, “Give me your wallet or you’re science!”
The man says, “Don’t you mean history?”
The mugger yells, “Don’t try to change the fucking subject!”
 

konifur

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I was in the park with my dog and I said to this bloke,

"Who did vote for in the local elections?"

"Conservative, " he replied. With that my dog bit him. I carried on and I saw a woman,

"Who did vote for in the local elections? " I asked. "

"Conservative, " she said. My dog bit her as well.

As I carried on I met another man,

Who did vote for in the local elections?" I asked.

"Labour, " he said. With that my dog bit him.

My dog doesn't give a fuck about politics.
 

stevent222

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An admiral visited one of the ships of the line under his command.
While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the Naval insignia stamped on every biscuit.

He went to the Chief Petty Officer cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command.

The Chief replied, "I’d be glad to share that with you, Admiral. After each biscuit is cut, I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the Navy insignia.





Horrified the Admiral exclaims, "That's very unhygienic!"


The Chief shrugs and replies, "Well, If that’s the way you feel, sir, I suggest you avoid the donuts.
 

stevent222

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Subject: 100 MPH goat

Two Montana rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along

they come upon a huge hole in the ground.

They approach it and are amazed at the size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom.

I wonder how deep it is!"

The second hunter says," I don't know. Let's throw somethin' down

there, listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says, "Hey, there's an old automobile transmission

over there. Give me a hand, we'll throw it in and see." So they pick it up and carry it over and count one, two, three and

heave it in the hole. They are standing there listening, looking over

the edge, when they hear a rustling behind them. As they turn around,

they see a goat come crashing through the underbrush, run up to the

hole and, without hesitation, jump in headfirst.

While they are standing there staring at each other in amazement,

peering into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about, an

old farmer saunters up.

Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat

around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing

here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' bout

a hunnert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this here hole!"

The old farmer said, "Naw, that's impossible! I had him chained to a

transmission."
 

stevent222

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The Worst Way to Win

Three older gentlemen sat down at the park for a conversation.

"There's no worse age than 70," says the youngest, "You always feel like you have to pee, and most of the time you try and try and nothing comes out!"
"That's nothing," said the 80-year-old, "80 is a much worse age. You can't even do your business anymore. You take laxatives then sit on the toilet for hours waiting for something to come out!"

"Actually," said the oldest one, "90 is the worst age of all!"
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 70-year-old.
"Not really. I pee every morning like clockwork at 6:00am."
"Do you have trouble crapping?" asked the 80-year-old.
"Not at all, I do my business every day promptly at 6:30am."
The 70-year-old looked at him funny. "Let me get this straight, you pee at 6am and you crap at 6:30am? So what's the problem?"
"I don't get up until 7:00!!"

__._,_.___