random Jokes

stevent222

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The Church Pastor Visits Miss Beatrice


Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.



One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.





"Miss Beatrice", he said. "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground."

"The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"
 

stevent222

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A 60-year-old millionaire was getting married and threw a big wedding reception.



The big day arrived, and he got married to his stunning 23-year-old bride in the vast garden of his 50,000-square-foot mansion.

Champagne was flowing and an enormous team of waiters was flitting about serving the finest hors-d'oeuvres in the land.

Naturally, the millionaire’s less wealthy friends couldn’t help but feel jealous.



In a quiet moment, one of them asked him how he landed such a young beauty.

“Simple,” grinned the millionaire, “I faked my age.'

His friends were really amazed and asked him how old he said he was.

“97!” he replied.
 

stevent222

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Last Monday morning, the grizzled helicopter pilot finally regained consciousness. He found himself in agonizing pain in the base hospital’s ICU, with tubes up every fundamental orifice, wires monitoring every
function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.
He remembered he'd been in a, no shit, serious flying accident Saturday. The nurse gave the helicopter pilot a serious, deep look straight into the eyes, and he heard her slowly say, “You may not feel
anything from the waist down.”
Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, “Can I feel your tits, then?”

And that, my Friends, is a Positive Attitude!
 

stevent222

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A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.



The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."

He gets her name, address, Social Security number, etc. and then asks, "What's your occupation?"


"I'm a Lady of the night," she says.




The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to rephrase that."



"The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."



"No, that still won't work. Try again."



They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."



The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"



"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."



The accountant says, "Chicken Farmer it is."