random Jokes

stevent222

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The Church Pastor Visits Miss Beatrice


Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.



One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.





"Miss Beatrice", he said. "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground."

"The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"
 

stevent222

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A 60-year-old millionaire was getting married and threw a big wedding reception.



The big day arrived, and he got married to his stunning 23-year-old bride in the vast garden of his 50,000-square-foot mansion.

Champagne was flowing and an enormous team of waiters was flitting about serving the finest hors-d'oeuvres in the land.

Naturally, the millionaire’s less wealthy friends couldn’t help but feel jealous.



In a quiet moment, one of them asked him how he landed such a young beauty.

“Simple,” grinned the millionaire, “I faked my age.'

His friends were really amazed and asked him how old he said he was.

“97!” he replied.
 

stevent222

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Last Monday morning, the grizzled helicopter pilot finally regained consciousness. He found himself in agonizing pain in the base hospital’s ICU, with tubes up every fundamental orifice, wires monitoring every
function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.
He remembered he'd been in a, no shit, serious flying accident Saturday. The nurse gave the helicopter pilot a serious, deep look straight into the eyes, and he heard her slowly say, “You may not feel
anything from the waist down.”
Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, “Can I feel your tits, then?”

And that, my Friends, is a Positive Attitude!
 

stevent222

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A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.



The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."

He gets her name, address, Social Security number, etc. and then asks, "What's your occupation?"


"I'm a Lady of the night," she says.




The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to rephrase that."



"The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."



"No, that still won't work. Try again."



They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."



The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"



"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."



The accountant says, "Chicken Farmer it is."
 

konifur

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For the unfortunate members who never go to the Bansbapoi club here is all the bedtime story Squirt started in the clubhouse......


In memory of a great man. Ronnie Barker, RIP.

This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the seventies. Ronnie

Barker could say all this without a snigger (though god knows how

many takes). Irony is that they received not one complaint. The speed

of delivery must have been too much for the whining herds. Try getting

through it without converting the spoonerisms [and not wetting your

pants] as you read ...


--------------------------------------------------------


This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.


Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion.


Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits,

and shivelling shot.


At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.


The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary

Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really

forrible huckers;they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters

had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let

Rindercella go.


Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared.

Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She

turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with

six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks


The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight

otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.


At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when

suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!"

said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so

dropping her slass glipper.


The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door

and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted

her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted??" asked the

prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.


When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on

both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.


Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a

knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge

halls and a hig bard on.


He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking

ferfectly.


Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince

lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a

follen swanny.
 

brilor

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Despite being sacked, Sam Allardyce has said thank you to the Everton fans for making him feel like one of them.

Unemployed!
 

stevent222

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Quickie in the Bushes

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.


They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of
breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen
minutes left, would you care to do it again?'

He asks her 'Shall we?'


She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's
change positions. This time, I 'll hold the
pigeon down and you shit on its head.'


AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???
 

squirt

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For the unfortunate members who never go to the Bansbapoi club here is all the bedtime story Squirt started in the clubhouse......


In memory of a great man. Ronnie Barker, RIP.

This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the seventies
the way I know it is that it was originally shown on Hee Haw, written and performed by Archie Campbell in the 70's
nobody seems to know for sure lol
1high5.gif
 

brilor

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A man walks into a diner one day and orders a bowl of chilli but the waitress says she gave the last of it to a guy sitting nearby who is just staring at it.

After watching him not eating for a while, the first man asks him, "Are you going to eat that?"

The second man replies, "No, you can have it if you want."

So the first man takes the bowl and starts eating.

About halfway through the bowl, he's chewing when he feels a crunch. He looks down only to see half a dead rat sitting in the chilli.

He immediately throws all of it up, back into the bowl.

The second man looks at him and says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got too."
 

brilor

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The Traffic Warden’s funeral

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden’s funeral a voice from inside screams

"I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"

The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters,

"Too friggin late pal, the paperwork’s already done"
 

brilor

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As I waited to be taken down to start my prison term, I was allowed a final minute with my wife.
I said "Listen jo, prison is a horrible place that changes people for the worse, and when I come out I doubt I'll be the same man you know and love. For that reason, I don't expect you to wait for me, so get on with your life and try and meet someone else who can hopefully be a father to our children. Most of all though, just stay strong and be happy."
"Stay strong?" my wife snapped, "You're only doing a week for an unpaid parking ticket, you fucking bastard!"
 

stevent222

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A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.

When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers.

When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replies.



"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him." she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman, evidently getting a bit hot under the collar by this point. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, touching his lips.

"Tell him," she says, "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies' room."
 

brilor

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Jack had a blind date with Jill for the prom and, as the evening progressed, he found himself more and more attracted to her.

After some really passionate embracing, he said, "Tell me, do you object to making love?"

"That is something I have never done before," Jill replied.

"Never made love? You mean you are a virgin?"
Jack was amazed.


"No, silly!" she giggled. "I've never objected!"