random Jokes

konifur

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Two Dinosaurs holding hands on a beach watching a ship sail away into the sunset.

One turns to the other and says "That Noah's a Cunt"
 

brilor

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A kangaroo at the Sydney zoo kept getting out of his enclosure every night.
Knowing that mature kangaroos could hop very high, the zoo officials replaced the eight-foot fence with a ten-foot fence.
He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo.
They tore down the ten-foot fence and put up a fifteen-foot fence.
He was out again the next morning.

A twenty-foot fence was put up.
Again he go out.
When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo,
"How high do you think they'll go?"
The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody thinks to lock the gate at night!"
 

stevent222

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The Psychiatrist and the Proctologist:




Best friends graduating from medical school at the same time decided
that in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice
together to share office space and personnel.

Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist;
they put up a sign reading: Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and
Posteriors. The town council was livid and insisted they change it.

The docs changed it to read: Schizoids and Hemorrhoids. This was
also not acceptable so they again changed the sign to read Catatonics
and High Colonics - no go. Next they tried Manic Depressives and Anal
Retentives - thumbs down again.

Then came Minds and Behinds - still no good. Another attempt resulted
in Lost Souls and Butt Holes - unacceptable again! So they tried Nuts
and Butts - no way. Freaks and Cheeks - still no good. Loons and
Moons - forget it. Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came
up with:

Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends.

Everybody loved it.
 

konifur

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"So, I guess you've never been with a prostitute before then Koni" she said.
I replied.." well, no, but how can you tell?"
She said.." look, don't worry about it, just take the pound coins out my fanny and we'll start again"
 

konifur

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“Dad, do you think mum will ever come back?”

“Who knows son, women are fickle creatures.”

“She’s been gone so long. Do you miss her?”

“I do son .... but men aren’t allowed in the ladies changing rooms.”
 

stevent222

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The Legless Parrot and the Troubled Man


A guy is having marital problems.



He and the wife are not communicating at all and he's lonesome so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help.

The store he happened into specialized in parrots.

As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet.

Surprised he mutters, "I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?"

The parrot says, "With my prick, you dummy."

The guy is startled and says, "You certainly talk well for a parrot."

The parrot says, "Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, almost any subject you wish."

The guy says, "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for."

The parrot says, "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me I'll bet he'll sell me."



The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great.

When he comes home from work the parrot tells him what Obama said, whether the A's won, or the Giant's lost, what the pope did and so on.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says, "Come in and shut the door."

The guy says, "What's up?"

The parrot says, "I don't know how to tell you this but the mail man came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips."

The guy says, "Oh, a momentary flight of passion."

The parrot says, "Then he fondled her breasts."

The guy says, "He did?"

The parrot says, "Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts."

The guy says, "My God, what happened next?"

The parrot says, "I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."
 

stevent222

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The Pearly Gates



A man appears before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker. I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him, 'Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me.'"

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago."
 

stevent222

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Last ride on my Harley........
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shinny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful women who asked, "Are you okay?"

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...
"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.
"That's nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!

"Oh, come now, I am a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I have ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."
 

stevent222

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Top 10 County/Western Song of the year.

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine

9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With A Few

8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'

6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win

5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger

2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer

And the Number One Country & Western song is...

1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass Out All Day Long​
 

stevent222

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An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the casino.

She seemed a little intoxicated and bet


twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.


She said, ‘I hope you don’t mind, but I


feel much luckier when I’m completely nude’.


With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled


the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled ,


‘Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!’

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down


and squealed…’YES! YES! I WON, I WON!’

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up


her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, ‘What did she roll?’

The other answered,

‘I don’t know – I thought you were watching.’



MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are drunks,


Not all blondes are dumb. . .


But all men…are men!