random Jokes

konifur

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36619542_10156572722789511_4006938766131331072_n.jpg
 

stevent222

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An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The Ticket Agent asked, 'Sir, What's that on your shoulder?'​

The old farmer said, 'That's my pet rooster Chuck. Wherever I go, Chuck goes.'​

'I'm sorry Sir, ' said the Ticket Agent. 'We can't allow animals in the theater.'​

The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his overalls. Then he returned to the booth, bought a ticket, and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so Chuck could stick his head out and watch the movie.​

'Marge,' whispered Mildred. 'What?' said Marge. 'I think the guy next to me is a pervert.'​

'What makes you think so?' asked Marge.​

'He undid his pants and he has his thing out.' whispered Mildred. 'Well, don't worry about it,' said Marge. 'Hell, at our age we've seen 'em all'.​

'I thought so too,' said Mildred, 'but this one's eatin my popcorn.'​
 

brilor

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An English football fan and a French football fan walk into a bar.

The English fan says to the French fan. We are playing Croatia tonight.

Wow says the Frenchman what a coincidence we are playing them on Sunday....
 

konifur

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Before the match....
An Englishman and a Frenchman are chatting in a bar... Englishman says "We're playing Croatia on Wednesday" ... Frenchman replies "What a coincidence, we're playing them on Sunday"
 

stevent222

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Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine.

It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says, 'Pierre, kiss me!'

Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

'What are you doing, Pierre?' says the startled Marie.

'I am Pierre, French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!' She smiles and they start kissing.

Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, 'Pierre, kiss me lower.'

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts. ' Pierre ! Pierre ! What are you doing now?' asks the bewildered Marie.

'I am Pierre, French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!' She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude.

Marie then leans close to his ear and whispers, 'Pierre, kiss me, kiss me much lower!'

Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it on her pubes...

He then strikes a match and sets the cognac on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine.

Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, 'PIERRE, WHAT IN HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?'

Our 'hero' stands and shouts defiantly, 'I am Pierre, French fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!'
 

stevent222

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A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today. 'The bartender says' well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.

'As the woman finishes her drink the woman to her right says 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.' The old woman says 'thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming up' says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says 'I would like to buy you one, too.' The old woman says ‘thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming right up' the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?' The old woman replies 'sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor... Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'​
 

stevent222

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A man walked into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

As he sat down, the waitress came over and asked for their orders.



The man said, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke." Then he turned to the ostrich and asked, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," said the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returned with the order saying, "That will be $6.40 please." So the man reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact change for payment.







The next day, the man and the ostrich came again and the man said, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke." Then the ostrich said, "I'll have the same."

Once again the man reached into his pocket and paid with exact change.

This became a routine until late one evening, the two entered again.

"The usual?" asked the waitress. "No, it isFriday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," said the man. "Same for me," said the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress came with the order and said, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulled the exact change out of his pocket and placed it on the table.

The waitress couldn't hold back her curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"









"Well," said the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" said the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," said the man.

The waitress asked, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighed, paused, and answered, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."
 

stevent222

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Convicted of murder and sentenced to death, the shapely young woman asked, as a last request, that she be hanged in the nude. Although the warden thought this unusual, he felt a last request was not something to be denied.

When the condemned prisoner arrived at the gallows, the hangman gasped, "My God, you have the most beautiful body I've ever seen."

Came the whispered reply, "It's all yours if you keep your trap shut."