random Jokes

stevent222

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On the first day of the school term the shop teacher was surprised to see a rather proper-looking young lady sitting in the front row of his classroom. Her name was Emily and she was the only girl to sign up for the woodwork class.

The bemused teacher asked her if she was sure she was in the right class. Emily assured him that she was.

The teacher, still somewhat puzzled, added, "This course may be a bit out of your league. Do you have any experience at all working with tools?"

"What exactly do you mean?" Emily asked.

"Well, for example, do you know the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?" the teacher expounded.

After pondering for a moment, Emily admitted, "I can't really say, since I've never been 'bolted'."
 

stevent222

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The only cow in a small town in Ukraine stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 500 rubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk.

The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.​

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask their wise Rabbi what to do.

They told the Rabbi what was happening. They explained: "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side.

The Rabbi pondered this for a while and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"​

The people were amazed and dumbfounded since they had never mentioned where they got the cow from. "You are truly a wise Rabbi," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?"​


The Rabbi answered sadly, "My wife comes from Minsk."​
 
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Two guys grow up together but after college one moves to Michigan, the other to Florida. They agree to meet every ten years in Vero Beach, Florida to play golf.

At age 30, they finish their round of golf and go to lunch.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Well, you know, they got the broads, with the big racks, and the tight shorts, and the legs ..."
"OK."

Ten years later at age 40 they meet and play again.
"Where you wanna go?"
“Hooters.”
"Why?"
"Well, you know, they got cold beer and the big screen TVs and everybody has a little action on the games."
"OK."

Ten years later at age 50 they meet and play again. "Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"The food is pretty good and there is plenty of parking."
"OK."

At age 60 they meet and play again.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Wings are half price"
"OK"

At age 70 they meet and play again.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"They have 6 handicapped spaces right by the door."
"OK."

At age 80 they meet and play again.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"We've never been there before."
 

brilor

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Spare a thought for poor ole Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair.
After arriving in a hotel in Manchester, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.
The barman nodded and said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary."
Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.
"Well, we do try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday from 6 pm until 8 pm. We have the cheapest beer in England".
"That is remarkable value", Michael comments.
"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours. That will be £3 please."
O'Leary scowled, but paid up.
He took his drink and walked towards a seat. "Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra £2. You could have pre-booked the seat, and it would have only cost you £1."
"I think you may be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please".
Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in, he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".
"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of £4 for your seat sir".
O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another £3."
O'Leary was so incensed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager".
"I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be £2 please."
O'Leary's face was red with rage. "Do you know who I am?"
"Of course I do Mr. O'Leary."
"I've had enough! What sort of a Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"
"Here is his e-mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9.00 am and 9.01am every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only £1 per second, or part thereof".
"I will never use this bar again".
"OK sir, but do remember, we are the only hotel in England selling pints for £1."
 

stevent222

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Two Nuns Shop For Some Beer


While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section.



One asked the other if she would like a beer.

The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable purchasing it.

The first nun replied that she would handle it without a problem.



She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.

The cashier was surprised, so the nun said, “This is for washing our hair.”

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.

“The curlers are on me.”
 

brilor

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A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door.
She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there.
He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?"
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?"
She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days.
The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just incase this guy shows up again."
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for thedoor.
The husband whisperes to the wife, "Honey, im going to hide behind thedoor and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the
question because I want to a see where he's going with this."
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, "Do you have a Vagina?"
"Yes I do." says the lady.
The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"
 

brilor

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One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil.
"You are on my list, but I have no room for you.
You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Trump thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water.
Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed.
Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing.
Such was his fate in hell.
"No," Trump said. "I don't think so.
I'm not a good swimmer, I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the door of the next room.
In it was Al Gore with a sledge- hammer and a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder.
I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Trump.
The devil opened a third door.
Through it, Trump sees Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied overhis head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Trump looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said,
"Yeah man, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said...........
"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
 

konifur

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I first heard this little song when i was 12 years old .......

I once knew this bloke before he died
And i don't think this bloke ever lied
Cause he had a wife with a fanny so wide
She was never fucking satisfied.
So he made her a prick out of shining steel
Two brass balls & a great big wheel
The brass balls he filled them with cream
And the whole fucking issue was driven by steam
Round & round went the great big wheel
In & out went the prick of steel
Until she cried " Enough, i'm fucking satisfied".
But now we come to the horrible bit
There was no way on earth of stopping it
Her arsehole to her fanny was split
And the whole fucking issue was covered in shit.
 

brilor

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Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight....
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills....
The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive"...
"How much"...? asked Grandpa. "£10. a pill"... Answered the son....
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave inthe morning...
I'll put the money under the pillow"...
Later the next morning, the son found £110 under the pillow...
He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was £10, not £110...
"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma"....
 

brilor

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Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking downthe street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls. They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, "I sure wish I could do that"....

The other one looks at him and says, "Well, I think I'd pet him first".....!!!
 

stevent222

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Honey, I Want You to Find Out Everything


A young woman visits her parents and brings her fiancée to meet them. After an elaborate dinner, the mother tells her husband to find out about the young man.



The father invites the fiancée to his library for a drink. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.

"I am a Torah scholar," he says. "A Torah scholar? Hmmm," the father says.

"Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she is accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man said, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.



"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies. "God will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancée.

The conversation continues like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks: "How did it go, Honey?"

The father answers: "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."
 

stevent222

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The wife must be ovulating. She came out of the bathroom last night and announced with a purr, "I just shaved my pussy. Do you know what that means?"
"Yeah," I answered, not looking up from my Golf Digest, "the fucking drain in the bathtub is plugged up again."