random Jokes

stevent222

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One morning at a doctors surgery a patient arrives complaining of serious back-pain.

The doctor examines him and asks him" OK, what happened to your back?"

The patient replies "You know that I work for a local night club? This morning I got

home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom. On entering I knew

someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed out the

balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man

running out and he was dressing himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him,

That's how I strained my back"

The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor said

"My previous patient was looking bad, but you look terrible.What the hell happened to you?"

He replied, "You know I have been unemployed for a while now .Today was the first

day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. I was running out

of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you won't believe it but I was hit by a
fridge."



The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two patients do. The doctor is

shocked. Again asks, "What the hell happened to youuuuuu.....?"

"Well I was sitting in a fridge & someone threw it from the 3rd floor"
 

stevent222

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Florida woman avoids alligator attack using a small Beretta pistol!

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.


What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?


A Beretta Jetfire testimonial. Here is her story in her own words:


"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in The Villages with my soon to be ex-husband, discussing property settlements and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12 foot alligator

which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open.



She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.


“If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!



Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took.



The 'gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.


It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible."


"His insurance was the big bonus. I’m comfortable now."
 

stevent222

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Golf Resort Vacation - Everything For $1


A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one dollar.



He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun.

He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a buck.

When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another buck. His room is only a buck a day!

The day before he's to check out, he heads out to play a last round and stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room.



When he's checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees:

Golf: $1.00
Dinner: $1.00
Room: $1.00.
Sleeve of golf balls: $3,000.00

He asks the Manager, "What is this all about? Everything is supposed to cost one dollar, and you charged me three thousand for three golf balls?"

"I'm sorry, sir, said the manager, but you didn't read the fine print in our promotional brochure. That's what our golf balls cost."

"Well, said the man, If I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could've gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a thousand dollars a day for a room. At least I would've known what I was paying for!"

"That's right, sir, you could have," said the manager.

"Over there they get you by the room. Over here we get you by the balls!"
 

stevent222

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An Experiment Turns Into An Impromptu Race




There was a young fellow who was quite inventive and was always trying out new things.



One day he thought he'd see just how fast a bicycle could go before it became uncontrollable.

He asked his friend, who owned an old Chevelle if he could tie his bike to the bumper of his car to test his theory. His friend said, "Sure."

So the young man tied his bike to the back of the car and said to his friend:

"I'll ring my bike bell once if I want you to go faster, twice if I want you to maintain speed, and repeatedly if I want you to slow down."

With that, off they went. Things were going pretty well, with the car driver slowly speeding up to well over 60 mph.



The young fellow on the bike was handling the speed just fine.

But, all of sudden, an orange Camaro came up beside them and before you knew it, the fellow driving the Mustang forgot all about the fellow on the bike and took to drag racing the Chevelle.

A little further down the road sat Officer John in his police cruiser, radar gun at the ready.

He heard the two cars before his radar flashed 105 mph

He called into headquarters on his radio: "Hey, you guys aren't going to believe this, but there's a Camaro and a Chevelle racing out here on Highway 3, and there's a guy on a bike ringing his bell and waving his arms trying to pass them!"
 

stevent222

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Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.



As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend.

"Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.

"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.

"How much did this really cost?"



"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."

"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

Helen answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food, and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."

Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!"

"Two and a half carats."
 

stevent222

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Sad, But As I Get Older, I Think Different










After a long day on the golf course, I stopped in at Hooter's to see some friends and have some hot wings and ice tea.
After being there for a while, one of my friends asked me which waitress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.
I told them "The one who knows how to fix elevators".
I'm old, I'm tired, and I pee a lot.”
 

stevent222

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THE CONFESSION ....
====================================================

Jack goes to his friend Mike and says ...
"I'm sleeping with the priest's wife.. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"

The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees.

After mass, he starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.

Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the priest...
"My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."

The priest smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says...
"U BETTER HURRY HOME NOW .... MY WIFE DIED A YEAR AGO"
 

stevent222

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Old age ain't for wimps...but it beats dying young.



HELL TO GET OLD...


Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man
Walking with his legs spread apart.

He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.


One student said to his friend:

"I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome.
Those people walk just like that."

The other student says:

"No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.
He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."


Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him
And one of the students said to him,

"We're medical students and couldn't help
But notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have.
Could you tell us what it is?"


The old man said,

"I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."


The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."


The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."


The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."



So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"


The old man said,

"I thought it was G A S - but I was wrong, too!"










 

brilor

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The Trump joke of the day...

Trump's aide says to him, "Sir, I had a dream you got your parade. It was miles and miles long winding through Washington DC. Joyful Americans lined the route, literally in the millions. People were laughing, cheering, dancing in the street. You were riding in the most beautiful carriage."

Trump asks, "Was I happy?"

The aide answers, "I don't know, sir. The casket was closed."
 

brilor

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On the first day after his divorce, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.

On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, a bottle of spring-water, 3 cans of sardines.

When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar, and some sardines into thehollow center of the curtain rods.

He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss.

Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!...People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house...The maid quit.

Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10 nth of what the house had been worth ... but only if he would sign the papers that very day.

He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watchedthe moving company pack everything to take to their new home and to spite the ex-husband... they even took the curtain rods!
 

stevent222

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During his physical examination, a doctor asked a man about his physical
activity level.

He described a typical day this way:

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7km through some
pretty rough terrain.

I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles.

I got sand in my shoes and my eyes.

I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills.

I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees.

The mental stress of it all left me shattered.

At the end of it all I drank eight beers"

Inspired by the story, the doctor said,

"You must be one hell of an outdoors man


"No," he replied, "I'm just a shit golfer".​
 

brilor

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A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot."
The old lady suggested, "Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says "Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"
The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
 

stevent222

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John's wife woke up one morning feeling completely deflated.

"My word, I feel like my mind has almost completely gone!"

"Are you really surprised?" John asked.

"Why would you say that, John?"

"Because you've been giving me a piece of it every day for fifty years!"