random Jokes

squirt

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smileyheehee1.gif
 

brilor

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An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application. Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough. He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof. He goes home to his wife, shows her the check, and explains to her what has happened. She replies, "Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can get disability!"
 

stevent222

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SUSPICIOUS NEIGHBORS... Read the story before you see the video:








A couple from Boston moved to a small town in South Texas where they both found and started new jobs.
None of their new neighbors had previously known this family....


Every morning the husband and wife would leave for work, returning in the evening...


But, every day the next door neighbors would hear a baby crying while the couple were at work...


So, eventually the neighbors called the police and told them the couple always left their baby at home, and that it was heard crying all day...


The police duly showed up and they too heard the baby crying... so they knocked on the front door... and when nobody answered they broke down the door and stormed inside....


Now... open the attached video.... So I wonder how much a new door costs?

Neighbors
 

stevent222

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This Bull Will Save the Day at the Ranch


Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.

Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."







The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, "It’s just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, ‘comfortable.’"

The telegraph operator shakes his head.

"How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, ‘comfortable’?"

The brunette explains, "My sister’s blonde. She’ll read it very slowly."
 

stevent222

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A man is sent to prison for the first time.



The first night there, after the lights in the cell block are turned off, he immediately sees his cellmate going over to the bars and yelling, "twelve!"

The whole cell block breaks out laughing. A few minutes later, somebody else in the cell block yells, "four!" Again, the whole cell block breaks out laughing.



"Why are you guys just yelling numbers?" He asks his cellmate. "What's so funny about random numbers?"





"Well," says the older prisoner, "They're not random. It's just that we've all been in this here prison for so long, we all know all the same jokes. So after a while we just started giving them numbers and yelling those numbers is enough to remind us of the joke instead of telling it."



Wanting to fit in, the new prisoner walks up to the bars and yells, "SIX!" But instead of laughter, a dead silence falls on the cell block. He turns to the older prisoner, "What's wrong? Why didn't I get any laughs?"



"You didn't tell it right."
 

stevent222

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Morgan

An obnoxious guy walks into the neighborhood bar and sits next to a local honey, already having her first beverage. As he tries to strike up a conversation she keeps ignoring him.

Finally he says, "You know me, why don't you talk to me?"

She replies, "Yes, I know you, you're Morgan - big M, small organ."
 

stevent222

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I've Got a Surprise For You!


A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon.



After two weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family.

Since this was a new home, the process took some time.

A week later, they received two tickets in the mail for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get.

They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this.

Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line, "Guess who sent them."























The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor but failed in the effort.

They went to the theater and had a wonderful time.

On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value.

And on the bare table in the dining room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets:

"Now you know!"
 

stevent222

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Come On, Honey, Let Me Take a Picture!


The protagonists of this joke are a husband and a wife.



The wife has just taken a shower and comes out wrapped in a towel, still shy being newly wed.

"Well, I've seen you naked. You don't need that towel," says the husband.

"I just feel more comfortable this way," the wife responds.

"But I want to take a picture of you in a natural state," continues the husband.

The wife gets suspicious and asks what the husband would do with the photo.

"I'll put in in my wallet and keep it close to my heart all the time," he responds, and gets his picture, then heads for the shower himself.





He returns clean but also wrapped in a towel.

"Why are you wearing that towel now - I want a photo of you in return," demands the wife.

The husband does as he's told, the photo's taken and they check the result in their digital camera.

"What will you do with this photo of me, then?" asks the husband.

The wife takes a good look at her husband, then the photo, then husband again.

"I'll have it ENLARGED."



 

stevent222

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This Security Manager Takes His Job Seriously




We all have some entertaining stories to share from our working lives, no matter if we are IT specialists or doctors. No matter the job, work can get pretty hectic. Below is a typical on-the-job story of a household officer or security manager to a wealthy family. As normal as this job may sound, bear in mind that the more you read, the weirder it gets... and to top it off, no one could prepare for the way this story ends!





I work as a private household manager and security officer for a wealthy family. It's my second time around doing this type of job. In my first post, it unfortunately didn't turn out too well. At the time I was young and inexperienced and thought I could get away with behaviors like partying on the job. While I'm not making excuses for my behavior, in this job you do get a lot of alone time in someone else's mansion. I suppose that I did get up to a lot of 'risky business'. Consequently, I ended up damaging some of the family's belongings, including what was apparently some very expensive furniture. It was badly scratched and I ended up in jail having had all my weapons taken away. I learned my lesson however, and won't be making that mistake again. I now take my responsibilities very seriously.



Thankfully, the demand for my services is pretty high and I luckily landed a new gig relatively quickly in spite of my jail time. It may surprise you to learn that my job is a lot harder than you think. I'm mostly responsible for patrolling and inspecting the house. I ensure that everything is safe and secure, alerting the owners to any potential problems. I also help with some household scheduling. This includes wake up times, bedtimes and meal times. As part of the perks of the job, I get boarding, free medical care, and other bonuses. In this day and age and with jail time on my record, I consider this to be a pretty good deal.



The family I work for have lots of money. They have a huge house with tons of rooms and closets that need to be inspected. I patrol all the rooms and I open all the doors to make sure there are no security issues. You'd think the family would make things easier for me by leaving the doors open, but no, they can't be bothered to do that. Every single day I have to re-open them. It's hard work. I have to grab the bottom of each door and shake it until it pops open. But it's something that I do with pride ensuring that the family can go about their lives in a carefree manner.



Once my morning patrol is complete, I am responsible for waking everyone up and getting them downstairs for breakfast. This is a difficult part of the job. Sometimes they yell and throw stuff at me. Still, I take my work seriously, so I just keep at it until they get out of bed. Experience has taught me that they each respond to different strategies. The man, for instance, likes to be woken up by having me sit on the edge of his bed, screaming at the top of my lungs. The woman, prefers I have my face really close to hers and just stare at her. She jumps when she opens her eyes and sees my face right there. It's hilarious though and we always have a good laugh over it. The kid wants his face tapped gently and repeatedly until he wakes up. While it may be a little strange, to each his own.



They can be a little weird about certain things. Once, I went hunting and brought some meat for them. They were taken aback and didn't appreciate the gesture at all. I thought I would get a bonus. Instead, they threw the carcass in the trash. They hadn't even tried it. I even saved the best parts for them, but maybe squirrel isn't for everyone. I'm not sure who they get their meat from, but I won't waste my hunting skills on them again.



I've had some good times too. The woman likes it when I rub my face on her cheek. She's my favorite and we've got something going on, the husband has no idea. When he's out of town, she invites me into her bed and gives me snuggles. I know it is risky, but it's not a benefit I'm going to just walk away from.



While this family may have money, they don't have much common sense. They hired a wolf to help with security! A wolf! I tried to warn them about the dangers by urinating on the wolf's bed, but they didn't listen. Now I regularly hiss at the wolf to let him know who's boss. It seems to be working. The wimp won't even walk past me without an escort. I don't care. I'm not here to make friends. I'm here to work. He's not too good at security either. He screams at anything that moves outside the house. Cars, the mail carrier, even family friends. This must be where the phrase 'cry wolf' comes from.



While the wolf thinks that he has special privileges, he's an idiot. He gets all worked up when he hears the word 'walkies' and just waits while the family puts an undignified tether on him. He gets to go outside, but what's the big deal. I go outside whenever I want, by myself and not on the end of a rope. I suppose this is one of the privileges of being the boss.



There is something I have discovered in this job. It is that money does not equal class. I've seen the people I've worked for actually urinate in their own water source. How disgusting is that? The wolf keeps drinking out of it, but I refuse. I drink out of the faucet or from a bowl, as a civilized being would.



Not too long ago the family went away for a week. They took the wolf with them and left me in charge of the house. What does that tell you? Maybe they are smarter than they look. They know I'm fierce and will scare any bad guys off and clearly, they trust me more than the wolf to get the job done. Even that menacing Red Dot didn't come around the whole time they were gone!



Here's a photo of me on the job. At this time I am checking the home security camera. That bird may look harmless but I will keep an eye on him. This is basically the life of a private household manager/security officer. Treat the family and their stuff right and you'll stay employed and out of jail.
 

stevent222

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My Son the Veterinarian


One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering,
the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing
$1,000. It happened again the next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected
And saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on
the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week
in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money
And I give some of it to the church."


The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"



The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"


"He is a veterinarian," she answered..

"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"


The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada..... He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno '​
 

brilor

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A 1 million pound prize was offered to any university who could explain why the end of a mans penis is helmet shaped. The university of Cambridge concluded it was to give the man more pleasure. The university of Oxford concluded it was to give the woman more pleasure. The university of Dublin spent the afternoon in the pub and concluded it was to stop your hand from Slipping Off.