random Jokes

brilor

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A woman gets on a city bus. She looks at the driver and holds up one hand; the driver holds up two hands. Next, the woman points up; the driver points down. Then, the woman grabs her breast; the driver grabs his crotch. Finally, the woman grabs her butt and gets off the bus.

A curious passenger asked the bus driver what the odd motions were all about.

The driver explained, "The woman is a deaf-mute. She asked me if a bus ride is five cents, and I told her it was ten cents. Next, she asked if the bus was going uptown, and I told her it was going downtown. Then, she asked if the bus was going pass the milk-farm, and I told her it was going pass the ball-park."

The passenger interjected, "Okay, but why did she grab her butt as she left the bus?"

The driver continued, she replied "Oh crap, I'm on the wrong bus!"
 

stevent222

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Wedding Ceremony



At a wedding , the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. It was their time

to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace.



The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child.

She started walking toward the pastor slowly.



Everything quickly turned to chaos. The bride slapped the groom. The groom's mother fainted. The groomsmen started

giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.



The pastor asked the woman, "Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?"



The woman replied, "We can't hear in the back."
 

stevent222

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A blonde & her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours & hours.

The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this". She goes downstairs.

The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"

The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard... let's see how THEY like it!
 

stevent222

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Lisa & Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity House. Lisa was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail & either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?'

Lisa explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end & I throw them away.'

Judy got completely upset & yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!'
 

stevent222

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You might have to think twice about this one.
A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her.

'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.

'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?'

'No, silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, & then I thought, 'I just paid $6 000.00 for these implants...I'm not

shooting myself in the chest.'

'So then?' asked the doctor.



'Then I put the gun in my mouth, & I thought, 'I just paid $3 000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'

'So then?'

'Then I put the gun to my ear, I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before

I pulled the trigger.
 

stevent222

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A blonde was driving home after a game & got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the

next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun... He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, & all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands & knees & started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder. Still nothing happened.

Her blonde roommate saw her & asked, 'What are you doing?' The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed

her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes & said, 'Uh, hello!

You need to roll up the windows first.'
 

stevent222

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A blonde was shopping at Target & came across a shiny silver Thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up & took it to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold.'

'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing.....I'm going to buy it!' So she bought the thermos & took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked?

'Why, that's a thermos.... It keeps hot things hot & cold things cold,' she replied..

Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'

The blond replied......'Two popsicles & some coffee.'
 

stevent222

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A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'



The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that My mother had passed away.'



The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax & rest.'



'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it & I have the best chance of doing that here.'



The boss agrees & allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass & the boss decides to check on the blonde.

He looks out from his office & sees the blonde crying hysterically...



'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.



'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!'
 

stevent222

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There were four churches and a synagogue in a small town: a Presbyterian church, a Baptist church, a Methodist church, a Catholic church and a Jewish synagogue. Each church and the synagogue had a problem with squirrels.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels slide in and drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped

their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.

But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue, they took one squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.
 

stevent222

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Three golfing partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven.



Upon arrival, they discover the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen.



St. Peter tells them that they are all welcome to play the course, but he cautions them that there is only one rule: "Don't hit the ducks during your first three months here."



The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks, "The ducks?



"Yes", St. Peter replies, "There are thousands of ducks walking around the course, and if one gets hit, he quacks, then the one next to him quacks and soon they're all quacking to beat the band. It really breaks the tranquility, and if you hit one of the ducks, you'll be punished. Otherwise, everything is yours to enjoy.”



Upon entering the course, the men noted that there were indeed large numbers of ducks everywhere. Within fifteen minutes, one of the guys hit a duck. The duck quacks, the one next to it quacked and soon there was a deafening roar of duck quacks.



St. Peter walked up with an extremely homely woman in tow and asks, "Who hit the duck?” The guy who had done it admitted, "I did.” St. Peter immediately pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand. "I told you not to hit the ducks," he said. Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity.”



The other two men were very cautious not to hit any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before, and within minutes St. Peter walked up with an even uglier woman



He cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand. "I told you not to hit the ducks," he said; "Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity.”



The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn't even play for fear of even nudging a duck. After three months, he still hadn't hit a duck.



St. Peter walked up to the man at the end of the three months and had with him a knock-out, gorgeous woman - the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter smiled at the man and then, without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.



The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a contented sigh and said aloud, "I wonder what I did to deserve this?



The woman responds, "I don't know about you, but I hit a duck."
 

konifur

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New reality shows for the long winter nights:

Splat. The same as Splash but with only two feet of water.
I'm a NHS hospital patient, get me out of here.
Celebrity chainsaw massacre.
Celebrity Blindfolded Archery.
The You're shit factor.
The Queens Speech on helium.
Cannibal Hell's Kitchen.
Animal Hospital. Also known as Friday night in casualty.
Doctor Who? A documentary on the pronunciation of NHS doctors names..
Political Punch Up, no more boring back and forth verbal nonsense. Get them in the ring to smack the crap out of each other.
 

brilor

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An old fella was celebrating 92 years on this earth.

He spoke to his toes. "Hello toes.", he said. "How are you? You know, you are 92 today. Oh the times we've had! Remember how we walked in the park in the summer every Sunday afternoon. The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy Birthday toes!"

"Hello, knees.", he continued. "How are you? You know you're 92 today.. Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh, the hurdles we've jumped together. Happy Birthday, knees."

Then, he looked down at his crotch. "Hello Willie! You little bugger. Just think. If you were alive today, you'd be 92...
 

brilor

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An 80-year-old Scotsman went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor was amazed at what good shape the old fellow was in and asked: 'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'

'I am Scottish and I am a golfer,' said the old fellow: 'and that is why I
...
am in such good shape. I am up well before daylight and out golfing up
and down the fairways. I have a wee glass of whisky, and that's it.'

'Well,' said the doctor, 'I am sure that helps, but there has to be more
to it. How old was your Dad when he died?'

'Who said my Dad died?'

The doctor was amazed. 'You mean you are 80 years old and your Dad is still alive?
How old is he?'

He is 100 years old,' said the old Scottish golfer. 'In fact he golfed
wi' me this mornin', and then we went to the topless beach for a walk
and had anither wee dram and that is why he is still alive. He is a Scot and he is a golfer, too.'

'Well,' the doctor said, 'that is great, but I am sure there is more to it
than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my Grandad is dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asked, 'You mean you are 80 years old and your
grandfather is still living! Incredible, how old is he?'

'He is 118 years old,' said the old Scottish golfer.

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point:
'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'

'No. Grandad couldnae go this mornin' because he is getting married today'

At this point the doctor was close to losing it. 'Getting married!!
Why would a 118 year-old bloke want to get married?'????????????????'
Who said he wanted to?'
 

stevent222

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A renowned psychologist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their little children.



After a few hours of talking and analyzing their words and behavior, he said: "I believe that you all suffer from some obsession."



He turned to the first mother and said, "You obviously have an obsession with food. You've even named your daughter Candy."





He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money. And it manifests itself in your child's name,Penny,"



He turned to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name,Brandy."



At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go".