random Jokes

stevent222

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This is a conversation between a man and his wife. Please note that she asks five or six questions which he answered quite simply, but then she is speechless after answering only one question.


l bet this happens more often than not to most husbands out there:



Woman: Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about three

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00, which includes a tip (this is where it gets scary!)

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose.

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your
spending each month at $450.00. In one year, it would be approximately
$5,400.00 correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5,400.00, not accounting for inflation, the
past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000.00 correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could
have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for
compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought an airplane?

Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No.

Man: Where is your airplane?
 

brilor

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A couple were driving at 70mph down the road, husband behind the wheel.

The wife suddenly says "Honey, I know we've been married twenty years but I
want a divorce."

He says nothing but increases the speed to 80mph.

She says "Now don't try to talk me out of it, I've been screwing your best
friend for sometime now and he IS better at sex than you."

He stays quiet, but speeds up to 90mph.

She says "I want the house and the car." (He is now doing 100mph.) "I want
the bank accounts and the credit cards too." she says.

The husband starts to veer towards the side of the road and a large grove
of trees.

The wife gets nervous and asks "Isn't there ANYTHING you want?"

"No, I've got all I need."

"Oh really, so what exactly do you have?"

Just before they hit the tree at 120mph he smiles and says "The f******
air-bag!"
 

brilor

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This little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with passing gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. It never smells and it’s always silent. As a matter of fact I’ve passed gas at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was passing gas because it doesn’t smell and it’s silent.
The doctor says "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don’t know what you gave me, but now my passing gas… although still silent, it stinks terribly." "Good", the doctor said, "now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, we’ll start to work on your hearing."
 

brilor

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A woman walked into the pharmacy and asked for a vibrator.
The pharmacist gestured with his index finger and said, "Come this way."
The woman replied, "If I could come that way, I wouldn't need a vibrator!"
 

brilor

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An American tourist in London was desperate to take a leak. After a long
search he couldn't find any public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went
down one of the side streets to take care of business. Just as he was
unzipping, a London police officer showed up.


"Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked.

"I'm sorry," the American replied, "but I really gotta take a leak."

"You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me."

The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty
flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the policeman, "whiz away."


The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started pissing on the
flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning toward the officer, he
said, "This is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy?"


"No," replied the policeman. "It's the French Embassy."
 

brilor

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A young girl started work in the village chemist shop. She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.

The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.
She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.


"Look," he said. "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they'll ask for a 310 [small] a 320[medium] or a 330[large].
The word condom wont even be used.


The first day was fine but on the second day a black guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said "350"..

The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament.

"Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs" her boss told her.

She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs. "Yes "!!!! she said " He's got one hanging there"....!

The boss said "Go back in and give him £3.50......................He's the window cleaner"
 

stevent222

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What is confidence?



A Navy Seal walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his new Apple watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"




"No," he replies, "just got this state-of-the-art Apple watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

He says, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The Navy man smirks, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast."



And that, my friends.......is

Confidence
 

stevent222

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Come and Take a Look at My Caddy


A man and his wife were driving through the

country from New York to California.





Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up.

About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump.

"What can I do for ya'll?" asks the attendant.

"Fill 'er up with high test,"replies the driver.

While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down.

"What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before."

"Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "This, my boy, is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille."

"What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant.



















"Well," says the driver, "It has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sunroof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack, and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, an 8.8 liter V12 engine."

"Wow," says the attendant, "That's really something!

"How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver.

"That'll be $30.17," says the attendant.

The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change.

Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees.

"What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant.

"That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver.

"Wow," says the attendant, "Those Cadillac people think of everything!"



 

stevent222

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Now, There's One Way to Make Someone Feel Better...






The wise old Mother Superior from County Tipperary was dying.


The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable.


They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen.







Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.


Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.







"Mother", the nuns pleaded, "Please give us some wisdom before you die".












She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said: "Don't sell that cow".



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

brilor

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A young lad knocked on my door last Halloween and said, "Trick or Treat?" I said, "What have you come as?" He said, "A werewolf." I said, "but you haven't got a costume on, you're just in normal clothes." He said, "Well it's not a full moon yet is it, dickhead."
 

konifur

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Pregnancy and childbirth advice
Q. Should I have a baby after 35?
A. No, 35 children is enough.
Q. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after finishing high school.
Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it’s the flu, you’ll get better.
Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q. What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
A. Childbirth.
Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
A. So what’s your question?
Q. How long is the average woman in labour?
A. Whatever she says, divided by two.
Q. My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you’re pregnant.
Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour?
A. Not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you.
Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A. Yes, pregnancy.
Q. Does pregnancy cause haemorrhoids?
A. Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.
Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby’s mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.
Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife act normal again?
A. When your child is in college.