random Jokes

brilor

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14632859_1229115257135052_8494446122279381939_n.jpg
 

stevent222

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With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"​
"No," said her husband.​
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled 20 Dollar bill. He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.​
She then asked him, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"​
"Uh no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.​
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.​
He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.​
"Now," she said, "have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"​
He said, "No!" trying to hide his arousal.​
She said .... "Check the garage."​
 

brilor

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A girlfriend got fed up with her boyfriend constantly talking about football . She placed his hand between her legs and said "Have you felt one of these lately ?" ..Oh yes , he said , I missed a penalty last week!
 

brilor

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It's been snowing all night. So the morning goes like this;

8:00 I made a snowman.

8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.

8:15 So, I made a snow woman.

8:17 The nanny of the neighbours complained about the snow woman's
voluptuous chest.

8:20 The gay couple living nearby grumbled that it could have been two
snowmen instead.

8:25 The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose,
as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 The Muslim gent across the road wants the snow woman to wear a
headscarf.

8:40 Someone calls the cops who show up to see what's going on.

8:42 I am told that the broomstick of the snowman needs to be removed
because it could be used as a deadly weapon. Things get worse after I mutter
: "Certainly, if it's up your a***"

8:45 TV news crew from the BBC shows up. I am asked if I know the
difference between snowmen and snow-women? I reply, "Snowballs" andam
called a sexist.

8:52 My phone is seized and thoroughly checked while I am being handcuffed
and taken to the police station in a marked van.

9:00 I'm on the News as a suspected terrorist bent on stirring up trouble
during difficult weather.

9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices.

9:29 A little-known jihadist group has claimed it was their plot.

Moral: There is no moral to this story. It's just the world in which we live
today!
 

brilor

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There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.
Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.
Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was £4 missing.
I think it must have been those cunts at the Post Office.
 

brilor

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A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "OK, OK. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "OK, OK We were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mum laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale.
 

brilor

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A group of cowboys were out on the range branding some cattle. While they were away the new cook saw a sheep tied to a post. Thinking it was for that night's dinner he slaughtered the sheep, and cooked it. That night after dinner the cowboys were all sulking and ignoring the cook. He pulled one aside and asked," Did I screw up the cooking" "No", the cowboy replied, "You cooked up the screwing."
 

brilor

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This guy
goes to the zoo one day. While
standing in front of the gorilla's cage,
a gust of wind swept some
dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid,
the gorilla went crazy,
bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless.
When the guy came to
his senses, he reported the incident to the
zookeeper. Nodding, the
zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid
means "F**k you!"
in gorilla language. The explanation didn't make the
victim feel
any better and he vowed revenge.
The next day he purchased two large
knives, two party hats, two party
horns, and a large sausage.
Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried
to the zoo and over to the
gorilla's cage, where he tossed a hat, a
knife, and a party
horn.
Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a party hat.
The
gorilla looked at him, looked at the hat, and put it on. Next, he
picked
up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla picked up his
horn and did the
same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped
the sausage out of his
pants, and sliced it in half.
The gorilla
looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked at
the man,
and pulled down his eyelid.
 

brilor

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I was looking at my wife: no teeth in, tits on her belly, hair a mess and smoking a roll up. Then she cocked her leg and let out a massive fart.

"You are a mess and I'm disgusted with you," I said.

"I'm still the woman you love and married," she said. "Sometimes we all let ourselves go a bit."

"We're on our fucking honeymoon!" I replied!
 

stevent222

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Fishing vs. Sex

#20 - No matter how much beer you've had, you can still Fish.

#19 - A limp rod is still useful while Fishing.

#18 - You don't have to hide your Fishing magazines.

#17 - It is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to Fish with you once in a while.

#16 - The Ten Commandments don't say anything against Fishing.

#15 - If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you Fishing, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet if you become famous.

#14 - Your Fishing partner doesn't get upset about people you fished with long ago.

#13 - It's perfectly respectable to Fish with a total stranger.

#12 - When you see a really good Fishing person, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you Fishing together.

#11 - If your regular Fishing partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you Fish with someone else.

#10 - Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you Fish by yourself.

#9 - When dealing with a Fishing pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.

#8 - You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy Fishing stuff.

#7 - You can have a Fishing calendar on your wall at the office, tell fishing jokes, and invite coworkers to fish with you without getting sued for "fishing harassment."

#6 - There are no Fishing-transmitted diseases.

#5 - If you want to watch Fishing on television, you don't have to subscribe to the Playboy channel.

#4 - Nobody expects you to Fish with the same partner for the rest of your life.

#3 - Nobody expects you to give up Fishing if your partner loses interest in it.

#2 - You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily to enjoy your favorite activity.

#1 - Your Fishing partner will never say, "Not again? We just Fished last week! Is Fishing all you ever think about?!"


 

stevent222

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A Young Banker Goes to the Tailor


A young banker decided to get his first tailor-made suit.

So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit.

A week later he went in for his first fitting.

He put on the suit and he looked fabulous, he felt that in this suit he can do business.



As he was preening himself in front of the mirror, he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise, he noticed that there were no pockets.

He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, "Didn't you tell me you were a banker?"

The young man answered, "Yes, I did."

To this, the tailor said, "Whoever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?"





 

stevent222

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MY LAST TRIP TO COSTCO

Yesterday I was at his local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I
had a dog.What did she think I had an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse Itold her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. Iadded that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I added that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was Laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people.
 

brilor

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As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?"

"There's a big fire across the street," the doctor replied. "We didn't want you to think the operation had been a failure."