random Jokes

brilor

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The wife was going through all the 5p & 10p coins on the kitchen table when she suddenly got angry and started shouting & crying for no apparent reason.....I thought to myself, "She's going through the change!!!".
 

brilor

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So here in the UK they ban the Iceland advert about an orange ape running amok in a house because it's too political, yet in America they made an orange ape running amok their president.
 

stevent222

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At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren." And 'poof' she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna and 'poof' she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Alberta Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who ?", he asks

"Alberta Pipalini," replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says,

"No sister, the paper says it was the 'Alberta Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."





If you laughed, you're going straight to hell! LOL
 

stevent222

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These Boyfriends & Husbands Are Hilarious


Being in a long term relationship can be an incredibly wonderful thing, yet it sometimes gets a little tricky to keep the passion going after a long time has passed. Thankfully, husbands and boyfriends are renowned for a having a cheesy sense of humor, and we all know that laughter really is the best medicine for anything! Below, you'll find 12 examples of husbands and boyfriends being absolutely hilarious:



1. Day 16 of the wife being away.

2. History was made at this spot.

3. Meeting your wife at the airport...

4. Now that's one awesome costume!

5. When husbands get to pick the shower curtains...

6. He's gonna be in sooo much trouble soon!

7. When your husband decorates the bathroom...

8. Please don't...

9. Ask your husband to create flyers for our garage sale, and this is what you'll get!

10. What a terrible time to get down on one knee to tie your shoelaces!

11. That's not creepy at all...


12. I'm literally lost for words with this one...
 

stevent222

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The Old Flame




I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.



We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".​



"Wow!" I was flabbergasted.

"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me.
Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."

She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".

"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days!
Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.


She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"​






So I told her to fuck off.​
 

brilor

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A warning to all you , be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas and the Police are out there in their numbers checking on people.
Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing led to another and I had a few too many beers and then went onto Whiskey. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car where it was andtook a bus home. Sure enough, I passed a Police control where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyser tests. Because I was in a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from.
Merry Christmas.
 

stevent222

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A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.



He immediately turns to her and makes his move.

"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.
So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," says the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," says the blonde.





"That could be an interesting topic, but let me ask you a question first:

A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff--grass.

Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally, he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me," says the blonde,

"How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know jack sh*t??"
 

stevent222

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Tablets

My wife told me to go to the doctor and get some of those tablets that 'help' get an erection.


You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!





I'm still looking for a place to live.
 

stevent222

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Young people forget that we old people had a career before we retired.

Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

"Well good. You are a team player. That's what I like to hear.

"Yes sir, I understand your concern and I will try harder."

Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, "I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning late so often?"



The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled. He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin, "They usually saluted and said, Good morning, Admiral. Can I get your coffee, sir?
 

stevent222

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A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying:

"HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterward, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside.

He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager.

The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least.

However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office.

Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."


The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter.

He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer.

The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager.

By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded!

He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."
 

stevent222

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Ed and his wife Norma go to the Erie state fair every yearAnd every year Ed would say" Norma, I'd like to ride in that helicopter"To this Norma always replied" I know Ed , but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,And fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "Than One other year Ed and Norma went to the fair, and Ed said," Norma, I'm 75 years old now and if I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance. To this, Norma replied again.
" Ed, that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks" The pilot overheard the couple and said to them," Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!But if you say one word it's fifty dollars."
Ed and Norma agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,But still not a word....When they landed, the pilot turned to Ed and said," By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed! "Ed replied," Well, to tell you the truth
I almost said something when Norma fell out, But you know,Fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "
 

stevent222

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The Trees Kept On Jumping Out At Me, Officer


A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident.

Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.

“My God!” the trooper gasped. “Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma’am?”

“Yes, officer, I’m just fine.” the blonde chirped.



“Well, how in the world did this happen?” the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

“Officer, it was the strangest thing!” the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was…”

“Uh, ma’am?”, the officer said, cutting her off.

“There isn’t a tree on this road for 30 miles - that was your air freshener swinging back and forth.”
 

brilor

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One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom. The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children.

The teacher asked a little boy:

TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?

TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?

TOMMY: Yes.

TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.

TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a minute later) Yes, I saw the sky.
TEACHER: Did you see God?

TOMMY: No.

TEACHER: That’s my point. We cann’t see God because he isn’t there. He doesn’t exist.

A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions. The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy:

LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?

TOMMY: Yes.
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?

TOMMY: Yesssssssss (getting tired of the questions by this time).
LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?
TOMMY: Yessssssssss.
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher?

TOMMY: Yes.

LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?

TOMMY: No.
LITTLE GIRL: Then, according to what we were taught in the school today…she must not have one!!
 

brilor

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One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth.

In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their Daughter's' date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.

When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be
when he grows older?"

The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our future son-in-law."
 

brilor

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It's amazing to see how time flies,
I can still remember when my wife and I were first married and not long after a lovely little chubby creature with bow legs and no teeth who was always dribbling and wetting itself came into our lives and gave us countless sleepless nights!!
Nah.....it wasn't a baby.....her MUM came to live with us!!..
 

stevent222

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Mother-in-law Joke #1: The Prized Donkey



A farmer’s wife is tending to his prized donkey when it rears its hind legs and kicks her right in the head, knocking the life out of her in an instant.

The funeral took place a few days later, and the farmer’s friends consoled him one-by-one.

As this was happening, the pastor looked on and saw the farmer shaking his head “no” to all the ladies, but he was nodding his head “yes” to all the men.

The pastor asks him: “Why were you shaking your head no to your wife’s friend but nodding your head yes as your friends walked past?”

“It’s simple.” The farmer stated. “The women asked if I needed anything, and I said no.”

“Alright, so what about the men?” The pastor asks.

“They asked if they could borrow the donkey.”
 

stevent222

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Mother-in-law Joke #2: The Newlyweds


The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work.

“I have great news for you.

Pretty soon, we’re going to be three in this house instead of two.”

Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.

He was glowing with happiness and kissing his wife when she said:

“I’m glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us.”
 

stevent222

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Mother-in-law Joke #3: The Little Boy and His Grandma



A little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said:

"I'm so happy to see you, Grandma. Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."

The grandmother was curious.

"What trick is that my dear?" she asked.

The little boy replied:

"I heard Daddy tell Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again."
 

stevent222

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A Chinese Doctor With a Novel Business Model


A Chinese doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts up a sign outside.

It reads: 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: 'I have lost my sense of taste.'

Doctor: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth.'

Lawyer: 'Ugh, this is kerosene!'

Doctor: 'Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20.'

The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.



Lawyer: 'I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything.'

Doctor: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth.'

Lawyer (annoyed): 'This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste.'

Doctor: 'Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20.'

The fuming lawyer pays him and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.

Lawyer: 'My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all.'

Doctor: 'Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100.'

Lawyer (staring at the note): 'But this is $20, not $100!!'

Doctor: 'Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20.'