random Jokes

squirt

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lol ... love it! lol
 

brilor

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Had to do a last minute message to Dublin yesterday afternoon, coming up to the toll bridge at Drogheda I realised I had no euros, got up to the toll machine and threw in what I had in my pocket which was a pound and a Viagra tablet(obviously someone else's) and to my amazement the barrier shot up! You can imagine my surprise when I returned 6 hours later to see the barrier still up!!
 

konifur

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Two Irish men on their way home after a night in the Pub find a head lying on the pavement. One picks it up by the hair, holds it above his head into the light and says, "'Tis Murphy be Jesus". The other one says, "Don't be so feckin silly, he was never that tall".
 

konifur

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I wanted to be a lumberjack but i couldn't hack it. So i worked in an orange juice factory but I couldn't concentrate. So i studied to become a doctor but i didn't have the patience. So I become a tailor but the job never suited me. So i worked in a shoe shop but i couldn't fit in. So i became a chef but i never had the thyme.
 

konifur

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I went to the library today.
I said, "Morning Cunt, would you happen to have Bono's new autobiography?"
"Please don't call me a cunt!" said the librarian
"That's the one!" I replied
 

brilor

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At a busy city bus stop in Houston, a woman who was waiting
for a bus was wearing a very tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped
and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt
was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the
first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver,
she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, hoping that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still
couldn't. So she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time she attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan behind her picked her up by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and
screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
 

squirt

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I wanted to be a lumberjack but i couldn't hack it. So i worked in an orange juice factory but I couldn't concentrate. So i studied to become a doctor but i didn't have the patience. So I become a tailor but the job never suited me. So i worked in a shoe shop but i couldn't fit in. So i became a chef but i never had the thyme.
so ... that makes you a jack of all trades, but a master of none? lol
 

tasman

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Had to do a last minute message to Dublin yesterday afternoon, coming up to the toll bridge at Drogheda I realised I had no euros, got up to the toll machine and threw in what I had in my pocket which was a pound and a Viagra tablet(obviously someone else's) and to my amazement the barrier shot up! You can imagine my surprise when I returned 6 hours later to see the barrier still up!!
Did you see a doctor? If it's up for more than 4 hours, you're supposed to see one.
 

stevent222

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"Are the Rumors True, Rancher Tom?"


The banker saw his old friend Tom, an 80-year old rancher, in town.

Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumour had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumour was true.

Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.

Tom proudly said, 'She'll be 21 in November.'

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an 80-year-old man.



Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy, the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon..

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again...

'How's the new wife?', asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.'

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?'

Without hesitating, Tom said, 'She's pregnant too.'
 

brilor

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Policeman: "Did you get the license number of the car that knocked you down?"

Pedestrian: "No, but I know who it was. My mother-in-law!"

Policeman: "How can you be so certain?"

Pedestrian: "I’d recognize that laugh anywhere!"
 

brilor

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A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought.>>

However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry.... we can't hire you."

"But wait," the man says. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
 

brilor

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Things you can get away with saying only at Christmas.

1. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

2. Smother the butter all over the breasts!

3. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!

4. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

5. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.

6. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

7. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!

8. You still have a little bit on your chin.

9. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

10. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning