random Jokes

stevent222

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When a man first noticed that his penis was growing longer, he was delighted.

But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and went to see a urologist.

While his wife waited outside, the physician examined him and explained that, though rare, his condition could be corrected by minor surgery.

The patient's wife anxiously rushed up to the doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need for surgery.



"How long will he be on crutches?" she asked.

"Crutches???" the doctor asked.

"Well, yes," the woman said, "You are going to lengthen his legs, aren't you?"
 

stevent222

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Our computer's down

Two guys died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down.You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as yourselves. What'll it be?" The first guy says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky mountains.""So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first guy. The second guy mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week count against me, St. Peter?" "No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing." "In that case," says the second guy, "I've always wanted to be a stud." "So be it" says St. Peter, and the second man disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two men. "Will you have any trouble locating them, He asks.?" "The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult." "Why?" asketh the Lord. "He's on a snow tire, somewhere in Canada."
 

stevent222

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In Life, Some Things are Just Down to Interpretation...


A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game.

For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.





When the day of the game arrived, everything went quite well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts", and the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts", and they all sat back down in their seats.

After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts" They all broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts" and they all started booing and cat calling.

Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress.



Finding his missing assistant, the doctor asked:" What in the world happened?"

The assistant replied: "Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled, "PEANUTS!"
 

brilor

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A couple were Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve and the whole place was heaving, packed with other last-minute shoppers.
Walking through the shopping centre, the surprised wife looked up from a window display and noticed her husband was nowhere to be seen. She knew they had lots still to do and she became very upset.
She rummaged in her handbag and found her mobile phoned and then used it to call her husband to ask him where he was.
The husband in a calm voice replied: "Darling, you remember the jewellery shop we went into five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that one day I would get it for you...?"
His wife's eyes filled with tears of emotion and she began to cry softly and stifling a sob she whispered:"Yes, I remember that jewellery shop..." . .
"Well," he said, "I'm in the pub next door to it."
 

brilor

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My eejit of a neighbour knocked on my door at 2am this morning but I didn't
bother letting him in.

I mean, who the hell turns up to a party wearing a dressing gown and
slippers?
 

konifur

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When a man first noticed that his penis was growing longer, he was delighted.

But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and went to see a urologist.

While his wife waited outside, the physician examined him and explained that, though rare, his condition could be corrected by minor surgery.

The patient's wife anxiously rushed up to the doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need for surgery.



"How long will he be on crutches?" she asked.

"Crutches???" the doctor asked.

"Well, yes," the woman said, "You are going to lengthen his legs, aren't you?"
Me when i first noticed that my penis was growing longer......
missing-penis-1508866124.jpg
 

stevent222

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Dr. Bumbutu

A flat-chested young lady read an article in a magazine that stated Dr. Bumbutu, in Africa, could enlarge your breasts without surgery. So she decided to go to Dr. Bumbutu to see if he could help her.

Dr. Bumbutu advised her, 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!' She did this faithfully for several months, and to her utter amazement she grew a terrific D-cup rack!

One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.'

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked ' Are you a patient of Dr Bumbutu's?'

Yes I am. How did you know?'

He winked and whispered, 'Hickory dickory dock'.

 

stevent222

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A Closeted Conundrum
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work...

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."



The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."

Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"

Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "$150"

Man - "Fine, fine, just be quiet."

A few weeks later the husband arrives early again. The lover, now practiced, dives into the closet just in time. He breathes heavily, then hears a sudden rustle behind him.

"Dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."

The lover sighs. "How much?"

Boy - "$350"

Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The boy says, "$500" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now."
 

brilor

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An old man was relaxing at his hundredth and sixth birthday party when a reporter went up to him. "Sir, what is the secret of your long life?"

The man considered this for a moment, then replied, "Every day at 9 PM I have a glass of port. Good for the heart I've heard."

The reporter replied, "That's ALL?"

The man smiled, "That, and canceling my voyage on the Titanic."
 

brilor

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A farmhand is driving around the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wiggling. What should I do?"
"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wiggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush." The farm worker says okay and signs off.
About 10 minutes later he radios back.
"Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."
"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.
"The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!"
 

squirt

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A farmhand is driving around the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wiggling. What should I do?"
"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wiggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush." The farm worker says okay and signs off.
About 10 minutes later he radios back.
"Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."
"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.
"The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!"