random Jokes

brilor

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49380601_2085805841506165_5085175088723001344_n.jpg
 

stevent222

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Two socialites are conversing on the porch of a large white-pillared mansion.
The first woman said, "When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me."

The the second woman commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me that Ferrari you see parked in the drive."

Again, the second woman commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"



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The first woman boasted, "Then when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the second woman commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

The second woman replied, "My husband sent me to charm school."

"Charm school!" the first woman cried. "For heaven's sake, child, what on Earth for?"

"Well, it comes in very handy. For example, instead of saying, 'Who gives a damn,' I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that nice?'
 

brilor

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I got home last night and the wife had bought one of those Pug dogs. Fuckin horrible looking thing, squashed runny nose, pop eyes, drooping slavering jowls. Despite all that the dog seems to like her.
 

stevent222

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Why millennials don't ride motorcycles

Apparently, the Baby-Boomers nearly all have motorcycles. Generation X is only buying a few, and the next generation isn't buying any at all. A recent study was done to find out why. Here are the reasons why Millennials don't ride motorcycles:

1. Pants won't pull up far enough for them to straddle the seat.
2. Can't get their phone to their ear with a helmet on.
3. Can't use two hands to eat while driving.
4. They don't get a trophy and a recognition plaque just for buying one.
5. Don't have enough muscle to hold the bike up when stopped.
6. Might have a bug hit them in the face and then they would need emergency care.
7. Motorcycles don't have air conditioning.
8. They can't afford one because they spent 12 years in college trying to get a degree in Humanities, Social Studies or Gender Studies for which no jobs are available.
9. They are allergic to fresh air.
10. Their pajamas get caught on the exhaust pipes.
11. They might get their hands dirty checking the oil.
12. The handle bars have buttons and levers and cannot be controlled by touch-screen.
13. You have to shift manually and use something called a clutch..
14. It's too hard to take selfies while riding.
15. They don't come with training wheels like their bicycles did.
16. Motorcycles don't have power steering or power brakes.
17. Their nose ring interferes with the face shield.
18. They would have to use leg muscle to back up.
19. When they stop, a light breeze might blow exhaust in their face..
20. It could rain on them and expose them to non-soft water.
21. It might scare their therapy dog, and then the dog would need therapy.
22. Can't get the motorcycle down the basement stairs of their parent's home.
 

brilor

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I had this amazing cab driver, he was driving a black cab, and he was whistling and smiling. He was clearly having a brilliant time.
He said, "I love my job - I'm my own boss, nobody tells me what to do."
I said, "Take a left here."
 

brilor

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This blooming January sale lark is doing my head in... Firstly I went to boots they don't sell boots I then went to currys they don't sell curry went to selfridges they don't sell fridges And that Virgin Megastore what a let down that was...
 

brilor

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A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting and he was reading the latest issue of Farmer's Weekly. He looked up from the page and said to her,
"Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"
She looked at him wistfully, smiled, and replied,
"Oh yes? Prove it."
He frowned for a moment, then said, "Okay."
He then got up and walked out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.
About a half an hour later, he returned all tired and sweaty and proclaimed,
"Well I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig was squealing, I couldn't be sure."
 

brilor

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A fisherman catches a shark. As soon as he pulls him up the shark starts yelling, "Wait wait wait... I'm a magic shark, I can grant you wishes if you let me go."

"Alright," says the man, "I want my penis to reach the floor".

So the shark ate his legs.