random Jokes

stevent222

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Under the Speed Limit
Sitting on the edge of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car driving along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two in the front and 3 in the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, said, "Officer, I don’t understand, I wasn’t going over the speed limit! What did you pull me over for?" "Ma’am," the officer said, "You should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous."



"Slower than the speed limit? No sir! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly.

The officer, trying not to laugh, explains that 22 is the route number, not the speed limit. A little embarrassed, the woman smiled and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"Before I go Ma’am, I have to ask, is everyone ok? These women seem badly shaken and haven’t said a word since I pulled you over."

"Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 142!"
 

brilor

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How did the constipated mathematician relieve his constipation?

He worked it out with a pencil.

It was a number 2 pencil.
 

brilor

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A boat was docked in a tiny Mexican fishing village.

A tourist complimented the local fishermen on the quality of their fish and... asked how long it took to catch them.

"Not very long" they answered in unison.

"Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?"

The fishermen explained that their small catches were sufficient to meet their needs and those of their families.

"But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

"We sleep late, fish a little, play with our children, and take siestas with our wives. In the evenings, we go into the village to see our friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs.
We have a full life."

The tourist interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat."

"And after that?"

"With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers.
Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City!!! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise."

"How long would that take?"

"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years." replied the tourist.

"And after that?"

"Afterwards? Well my friend, that's when it gets really interesting," answered the tourist, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start buying and selling stocks and make millions!"

"Millions? Really? And after that?" asked the fishermen.

"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends."

"With all due respect sir, but that's exactly what we are doing now. So what's the point wasting twenty-five years?" asked the Mexicans.

And the moral of this story is:

Know where you're going in life, you may already be there! Many times in life, money is not everything.

“Live your life before life becomes lifeless”😬
 

brilor

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While riding my motorbike, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for...

"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with the motorbike, I guess."
 

stevent222

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The ringing of the phone that calms.

A lady who was very fond of dogs and whose dog was in heat agreed to take care of her neighbors' dogs while they were on vacation.

Since she had a big house she thought she could keep the two dogs away from each other.

However, on the first night as she began to fall asleep she heard screams of moans and awful cries.

She rushed downstairs and found the two dogs together in obvious pain and unable to disengage as often happens when two dogs mate.

Impossible to separate them!

Perplexed as to what to do, although it was rather late at night she called one of her neighbors who luckily was a veterinarian.

He answered in a very grumpy voice.

After she explained the problem, the vet suggested:

"Hang up the phone and place it near the dogs. I will call you back and the sound of the bell will make the erection of the male lose and he will be able to withdraw. "

"Do you really think it will work? "She asked.

"Chances are good, it just worked for me!"
 

stevent222

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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
 

stevent222

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John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
"Give me one last request, dear," he said.

"Of course, John, " his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you
to marry Bob.."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
 

stevent222

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All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter.

Even the priest smiled broadly.

As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
 

stevent222

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The reason congressmen try so hard to get
re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a
living under the laws they've passed.
 

stevent222

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I was in the express lane at the store quietly
fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman
ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line
pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my
delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come
forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So
which six items would you like to buy?" Wouldn't it
be great if that happened more often?!!!
 

stevent222

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A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says,

"Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man
said yes and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."
 

squirt

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I was in the express lane at the store quietly
fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman
ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line
pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my
delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come
forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So
which six items would you like to buy?" Wouldn't it
be great if that happened more often?!!!
she'd just do the cart 6 items at a time, trust me, I know lol