random Jokes

brilor

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When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my French" just after a swear word. I'll never forget that first day at school when my teacher asked if any of us knew any French.
 

stevent222

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Chester and Earl are going hunting.

Chester says to Earl, "I'll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren't many ducks out there, I'm not going hunting." So he sends the dog out to the pond.

The dog comes back and barks twice.

Chester says, "Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there."

Earl says, "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?"

Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says, "I don't believe it. There really are only two ducks out there! Where did you get that dog"?

Chester says, "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want one, you can get one from him".

So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has.

The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in its mouth and starts humping Earl's leg.

Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says, "This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!"

The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in its mouth and started humping his leg.

The breeder says, "Earl, dogs can't talk. He was trying to tell you there are more fucking ducks out there than you can shake a stick at".
 

stevent222

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Going to Church in Chicago

When I heard Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson were guest preachers at a nearby church,
I decided to go there and check them out in person.


As soon as I sat down, Reverend Sharpton came over to me.
I don't know why maybe it was because I was the only white person in the church?


He laid his hands on my shoulder and said: "By the will of Jesus the Lord Almighty,
and the will of God, you will walk today."


I told him I was not paralyzed.

Then Jesse Jackson came by and said: "By the Grace of God, and his Son Jesus,
the Lord Almighty, you will walk today.


Again, I said that there is nothing wrong with me.
After the sermon, I stepped outside and lo and behold they were right...





My car was gone!
 

stevent222

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A couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home they found the postman dead on the porch
Be careful what you wish for.​
 

tasman

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A guy is driving down an icy road when he sees a car in the ditch. He stops to see if he can help, and there's a young lady behind the wheel who is very obviously pregnant. The guy asks if she is alright and can he help her out. The lady says she's o.k. but she is on the way to the airport to pick up her husband. the guy says he has a chain in his truck and would be glad to pull her out. He helps her on her way and heads on down the road. About five miles farther, he spots another car. Again he stops to help out. When he gats to the car, there's a hot young girl driving. Again he offers to pull her out. She thanks him, and he says "you know, you're the second pregnant lady I've helped out today." She says "What do you mean? I'm not pregnant." He says "You're not out of that ditch, yet."
 

stevent222

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1. The Jewish Elbow, 2. The Italian Grandfather 3. The Irish Blonde


1. The Jewish ELBOW
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is
coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301 . There
is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will
buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with
your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left.. With your elbow, hit
my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my
elbow? .........
"What . . . .. .. You're coming empty handed?"
______________________________ _________________
2. Wise Italian Grandfather
Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the
family.
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I
wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ..38 revolver so
you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex
watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna
have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of
bambinos. "
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with
another man.
"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up' "?
______________________________ ______________________________ _____________
3. Irish Blonde...
An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland , arrived
at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty
thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much
luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck
down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama
needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down
 

stevent222

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Eye Test For Job Applicants .....can you pass it?

A School of Psychology conducted a survey called - "What really do you see?” People were asked to focus their attention on this simple picture and then asked if they had noticed anything odd.
Now you also have a chance to test your skills and see if you can pass..........



Study the picture for 5 seconds; then briefly state the oddest thing you see..

Here are the Results of the Survey:
1.
100% of males failed this test.
They were distracted by the woman's large bosom.
2. 100% of the females also failed this test.
They were distracted by the wide choice of doughnuts.

The real answer (see below):
There's a mouse on one of the doughnuts……..
If you didn’t see it, YOU made the list and your room is waiting for you!
Now don't tell me you saw it. I won't believe you.



 

stevent222

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A man lost an arm when his golf cart rolled over on

him on a downward slope. He became very depressed

because he loved to play golf so one day in his despair,

he decided to commit suicide and end it all.



He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building

to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down

and saw this man down on the sidewalk skipping along,

whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and

saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.



He started thinking,

"What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself?

I still have one good arm to do things with."



He thought,

"There goes a man with no arms skipping down

the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life."



So he hurried down to the sidewalk and caught up

with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he

was to see him because he had lost one of his arms

and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked

him for saving his life and said he knew he could make

it with one arm if the guy could go on with no arms.



The man with no arms began dancing and

whooping and kicking up his heels again.



The guy asked,

"Why are you so happy anyway?"



He said,

"I'm NOT happy. My balls itch."



Heart Warming stories like this just bring a tear to my eyes.
 

brilor

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My son has been bugging me for weeks to help him build a tree house in the garden, so I have just been out to cut up some wood.
Maybe he'll shut up now the fucking tree has gone!
 

stevent222

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Father, I Must Confess My Sins


There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.

Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times."




The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
 

stevent222

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Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.

It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.

About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.

Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.

Love, Ma
 

stevent222

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The Husband Test!


Not too long ago, there was a woman who wanted to know how her husband would react if she left without telling him where she had gone. She decided to write him a letter saying she was tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. After writing the letter, she put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home. When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it.





After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a number. His wife listened from under the bed as he started chatting with someone.

"Hey babe, I'm just changing clothes then I will join you," he said. "As for the other fool, it finally dawned on her that I was fooling around on her and left. I was really wrong to have married her; I wish you and I had met earlier. See you soon, honey!"


Then he hung up and walked out of the room.



In tears and very upset, she climbed out from under the bed and stumbled over to read what her unfaithful husband had written on the end of her letter.

Through teary and bleary eyes, she read:

I could see your feet you idiot, I am going out to buy some bread."
 

stevent222

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The Men's Test in Heaven - A Great Joke!




The Day of Judgment came, and all the people in the world who were worthy reached heaven, where the heavenly angels divided them into men and women. The angel Gabriel was revealed before all the men and ordered them to stand in two rows; One would be all the men who had retained their strength in the relationship, and the other - men who had surrendered to their wives. Meanwhile, the women were taken elsewhere, apparently to pass their own test...




Of course, as soon as the women disappeared, most of the men immediately made their way to the first row of men who stood their ground, did not give in and wore the “pants” in the house. But under the scrutiny and judgment of the angels, they slowly began to wander to the second line of the submissive men. So it went on for a long time until finally there were only three men left in the first row, while the second row lengthened and extended beyond the horizon.

Gabriel looked at this scene with a very disappointed look and turned to all the men:

"You should be ashamed of yourself, you were created in the image of the Creator, and the woman was created from your bones, but you have allowed yourself to let her rule over you, only these three men are exceptional and I am sure they can teach you a thing or two." “Hey you,” he said to one of the three men, "How do you describe your relationships? How do you feel knowing you are one of the most special men in the world?"



"The truth?" answered the man, "I was lonely or stuck in unhappy relationships all my life, and now that we are here, my greatest regret is that I did not treat women better."

The surprised angel did not lose his enthusiasm and hurried to ask the other man how he described his relationships in life.





"All my life I've gone from relationship to relationship, I've never found love and I've always wanted to change my ways and treat women better, now I can never do that ..." he said and burst into tears.


The confused angel hurried to the third man. "Please tell me, you seem quite satisfied and relaxed, what’s your secret, how did you manage to be the only man in the world who controls his relationship, that stands his ground, doesn’t give in to women, and still looks so sure of himself?"

"I'm sorry but I don’t have an answer for you," said the third man."I'm just standing here because my wife told me to wait here and not move until she comes back ..."