random Jokes

stevent222

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Subject: Note from Grandpa


To all of you old enough to be a Grandpa.....
and to those of you who are!!.....you could only wish for a day like this!!
Two years ago I took my grandson to his first football game.
Good grandfather and grandson stuff right?
Male bonding, right?
I buy him hot dogs, pop, ice cream!
He sees our team win!
But.....+
Will he remember the time we spent together?
Will he remember the taste of the hot dogs?
Will he remember the flavor of the Ice Cream?
NO!
What will he remember..........?
 
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konifur

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I went the pet store and saw this interesting looking device...
"What's this ?" I asked the salesgirl. "It's a water purifier for your dog's drinking water ... Only 50 quid." "No, he won't be needing that," I replied, "I saw him eat a turd this morning."
 

stevent222

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Little Johnny and his grandfather have gone fishing.

After a while grandpa gets thirsty and opens up his cooler for some beer.

Little Johnny asks, "Grandpa, can I have some beer too?"

"Can you stick your penis in your asshole?" grandpa asked back.

"No."
"Well, then you're not big enough."

Grandpa then takes out a cigarette and lights up.

Little Johnny sees this and asks for a cigarette.

"Can you stick your penis in your asshole?" grandpa asked again.

"No."
"Well, then you're not big enough."

Little Johnny gets upset and pulls out some cookies.

His grandfather says, "Hey, those cookies look good, can I have some?"

Little Johnny asks, "Can you stick your penis in your asshole?"

Grandpa looks at Johnny and senses his trick, so he says,

"Well of course I can, I'm big enough."

Little Johnny then says,

"Well, then go fuck yourself, these are my cookies."
 

stevent222

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Two Men With Black Eyes Meet On a Flight


A guy with a black eye boards his plane and sits down in his seat.

He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye too.

He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes. Mind if I ask how you got yours?"



The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh', I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'. So she socked me a good one."

The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table this morning and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.'

But I accidentally said, 'You ruined my life you fat, evil hag'."
 

brilor

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Lady in labour, shouting the usual shit, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She turns to her boyfriend and says, "You did this to me, you fucker!" He casually replies, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse, but you said, 'fuck off it'll be too painful.'"
 

brilor

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A young man went to the psychiatrist complaining that he was getting married and he was worried about the small size of his penis. The psychiatrist advised him to go and stay on a dairy farm, and every morning, dip his penis in milk and gets it sucked by a calf.
Some time later, the young man met the psychiatrist in the street.
"How's the marriage going?", asked the psychiatrist.
"I never got married", said the young man. "I cancelled it and bought the calf."
 

brilor

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Iremember when

"Pussy" meant a Cat
"Sex" meant Gender
"Bitch" was a Female Dog
"Dick" was a Name
"Bang" was a Sound
... "Rubber" was an Eraser
"Ass" was an Animal
"Screw" was just a Tool
"Head" meant a part of Body
"Balls" meant a Round Toy
"Nuts" meant Dry Fruit
"69" was just a Number
"Gay" meant Jolly
 

brilor

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A woman came into the restaurant at lunch time today she said, "Can I reserve a table please?"

"Sure," I replied, "What time?"

She said, "I'd like to eat for two."

"I bet you would you fat cunt," I replied, "but what time you thinking?"
 

brilor

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Ken Doherty ( famous snooker player ) pulls a delightful groupie after a tournament and ends up in his hotel room after several drinks...

Desperate to get on with shagging her idol, she strips off and gets on all fours presenting her arse in the air...

Our Ken, not a man to rush... drops his trousers and starts staring at the girls arse, moving from side to side and raising and lowering his head...

"Are you going to fuck me..?" shouts the girl....

"Yes, but I don't know if I should go for the easy pink or the tight brown..!!"
 

brilor

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My date invited me back to her place for a coffee last night.

As we walked through her door she ripped her clothes off, throwing me to her sofa.

As she pulled my cock out from my boxers and swung her leg over me I said, "Before you stick that in there, aren't you forgetting something?"

"Dont worry about a condom, I'm on the pill," she smiled.

"I was talking about my fucking coffee," I replied.
 

brilor

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"Excuse me," I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, "You have some semen on the back of your jacket "

"I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably yoghurt."

"It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yoghurt.".