random Jokes

stevent222

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A Man Wakes Up in a Catholic Hospital

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had bypass surgery.

He awakened to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun asked how he was going to pay the bill.

He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank.



He replied, "No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"

He said, "Just a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun, slightly perturbed, said, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."
 

brilor

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A Labour Politician, a BBC TV Reporter and a British SAS Soldier were captured by ISIS.

They were, as usual, sentenced to Death by Beheading.

Unexpectedly, the ISIS Leader said they could each have One Last Request before Sentence was carried out..??

The Labour Politician asked to hear a rendering of ‘Keep the Red Flag Flying Here’.

The BBC TV Reporter asked that the Beheading be Televised so that even when she was Dead, her face would still be on TV.

The British SAS Trooper asked to be Kicked Three Times in the Arse. HARD..

As the SAS Trooper's was such an unusual request ISIS decided to carry his out Request first.

And as the last kick landed, the SAS Trooper pulled a hidden 9 mm Glock Pistol out of his Smock, shot three Terrorists Dead, grabbed one of their fallen AK47s and Shot Dead the rest of the Terrorists.

The other Two Prisoners were amazed, and asked why he requested to be KICKED three times before drawing his Weapon..???

"Because", said the SAS Trooper,

“When we get back to the UK. I don’t want you fucking Pair of Politically Correct Clowns, saying it was an "Unprovoked Attack”..

Welcome to today's, UK Political Climate. Have a nice day!
 

brilor

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Prince Charles decided to take up jogging.
Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner.
He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb.
"No! Five pounds!" He would fire back, just to shut her up.
This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.
He'd run by and she'd yell, "One hundred and fifty pounds!"
He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"
One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her Husband on his jog.
As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her 150 pound offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the hooker.
He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard?!"
 

stevent222

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In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease,
arranged for an interview with a farmer who might have some theories on the matter.



This interview went as follows:

The lady reporter:
I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?

The farmer stared at the reporter and said ?
Did you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?

Reporter: (obviously embarrassed):
Well, sir, that's a new piece of information but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?

Farmer:
Miss, did you know that we milk a cow twice a day?

Reporter:
Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?

Farmer:
I am getting to the point, Miss. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day .... and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?
 

brilor

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My brother had a blow up doll, it had a puncture so he took it back to the shop, the shop owner said what's wrong with it? My brother said it keeps going down!
Shop owner said if I had known that I would have charged you more.
 

stevent222

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The Big Bastard


A priest goes on a fishing trip with a few others and some sailors to help them. A few hours in, he suddenly hooks a very big fish.







Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that Bastard!".

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Bastard fish".



Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church.

"Look at this huge Bastard!" says the priest, spotting the bishop.

"Language, please! this is God's house," replies the bishop.

"No, no that's what this fish is called," says the priest.

"Oh," says the bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that bastard and we could have it for dinner."

So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior.

"Could you cook this bastard for dinner tonight?" he asks her.

"My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked.



"No, sister that's what the fish is called - a bastard", says the bishop.

Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, "Wonderful, I'll cook that bastard tonight, The Pope is coming for dinner!"

The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it.

"Well, I caught the bastard!" says the priest.

"And I cleaned the bastard!" says the bishop.

"And I cooked the bastard!" says the mother superior.

The Pope stares at them for a long moment with a steely gaze, leans back in his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says:"

You know what? You schmucks are alright."
 

stevent222

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I Can Remember Every Last Detail of My Life


A Canadian tourist is fascinated by the Native American way of life and culture, so he decides to visit a reservation in the United States to find out more.

After a long and dusty drive through the Arizona desert, he finally arrives at the reservation.

Soon after his arrival, the tourist meets an old chief, who claims to remember everything that ever happened in his life.

The tourist is curious and asks the chief: "What did you have for breakfast on your fifth birthday?"



Without hesitation, the chief replies: "eggs".

The tourist was very impressed by this, and he never forgot the chief’s words, even after his visit had long since ended.

Ten years later, he returns to the reservation and is surprised to see the same old chief again.

He approaches the chief, puts his hand up flat and greets him with "how".

“Scrambled,” the old chief replied.
 

brilor

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An ‘under performing’ bus driver goes to see his doctor.

He wants some Viagra, but he doesn't want his wife to know about it.

The doctor prescribes it for him & he heads off to the pharmacist.

Home is a good hour away so the bus driver quickly downs one of the little blue pills.

When he gets home, he doesn't even have to tell his wife with words. That twinkle in his eye speaks volumes.

They tear off each others clothes and are quickly in bed.

He manages to "rise to the occasion" three times.

He expects his wife to be delighted, but instead, she seems rather sad.

"What's wrong, dear?" he asks

"I think your job is taking over every aspect of your life and it's doing you in," she sighs.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean... even our sex life is like the bus service. Nothing for ages, and then three come at once!