random Jokes

stevent222

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Got a new Jack Russell pup today. He's mainly black and brown with a small white eara.
I've called him England.
 

stevent222

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They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong, but i don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly
 

stevent222

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Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them: they said it would be just like winning the Lotto. I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off, and to my horror, we had six matching balls!
 

stevent222

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A man and a woman are seated next to each other on a flight.

They start eyeing each other, and both realize they want to do the same thing.

He slips a condom out of his pocket, and she looks delighted. "Rear toilet?" he suggests. "Five minutes", she agrees and goes off.

He waits five minutes, then goes and slips in there with her. "Right, get that condom on", she says.

Soon, they are both sighing with pleasure.

But a sharp-eyed stewardess has noticed them and realized what they are up to. So, she humiliates them by making an

announcement over the PA system.

"To the lady and gentleman in the rear toilet, we know what you are doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations. Now, please put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector."
 

brilor

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A young couple went to the doctor for their annual physical exams.

Afterwards, the doctor called the young man into his office and told him that he had some good news and some bad news.

"The good news," he explained, "is that your fiancee has an particular strain of gonorrhea that I have only heard of once before."

The guy paled.

"If that's the good news, then what the hell is the bad news?"

"Well," the doctor elaborated, "the bad news is that I heard about this nasty strain just last week from my dog's vet."
 

brilor

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At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Señor Bob? This is Ernesto, the
caretaker at your country house."


"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"


"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Bob, that your parrot, he is
dead."


"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"


"Si, Señor, that's the one."


"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die
from?"


"From eating the rotten meat, Señor Bob."


"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"


"Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."


"Dead horse? What dead horse?"


"The thoroughbred, Señor Bob ..."


"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"


"Yes, Señor Bob, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."


"Are you insane? What water cart?"


"The one we used to put out the fire, Señor."


"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"


"The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on
fire."


"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a
candle?!"


"Yes, Señor Bob."


"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"


"For the funeral, Señor Bob."


"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"


"Your wife's, Señor Bob. She showed up very late one night and I thought
she was a thief,


so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the
TFC 149D graphite shaft."


SILENCE...........


LONG SILENCE.........


VERY LONG SILENCE............


"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit."
 

brilor

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Weight Loss Program.

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10lbs program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."

He lost 33 lbs that week.
 

stevent222

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The Topic of My First Sermon Is Important


A young vicar about to deliver his first sermon asked the advice of a retired minister on how to capture the congregation's attention.

"Start with an opening line that's certain to grab them," the cleric told him.

"For example: 'Some of the best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman.'"

He smiled at the young vicar's shocked look before adding, "She was my mother."


The next Sunday the vicar nervously clutched the pulpit rail before the congregation and stated, "Some of the best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman."

He was pleased with the instant reaction, then panic-stricken.

"But for the life of me, I can't remember who she was!"
 

stevent222

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After several years of serving the church in a far away

land a priest is requested to report
to his new assignment at a church in the South Bonx New York.
Upon his arrival he set out immediately to learn the new


culture by taking a walk down the street in plain clothes.
On his way a loose looking woman approaches him and in a lowered voice says, "Hey Buddy... blow job 25 bucks."
The priest glares at her confused and says "What's a blow job?..."
The woman is just as confused and says


"What are you a comedian!" and walks off.
The priest undaunted walks on to the next block and again


another seedy looking woman confronts him
and again repeats, "Hey mister blow job 25 bucks."
The priest quickly replies "What is this blow job!?"
The woman looks at him surprised and thinking something's wrong hurries off.
The priest now very curious returns to the church to ask anyone he can find what exactly this thing he's never heard of is.
The first door he sees as he enters the church is that of Mother Superior.
The priest knocks on the door and Mother Superior


invites him in to take a seat.The priest looks at Mother Superior and says "I have a question - What is a blow job?"
Mother Superior quickly goes to shut the door and upon returning to her seat she replies in a whisper....
"Same as on the outside.... 25 Bucks
 

stevent222

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After the end of the Finnish war, a young female reporter from a
British newspaper was
sent to Finland to write an article about the soldiers homecoming.
She had interviewed half a dozen, when she met Pekka on the street.
"Excuse me," she said, "were you in the war?"
"Yah, I was in the infantry."
"Would you mind answering a few questions for a newspaper article?"
"Nej, I wouldn't mind at all."
"When you came home when the war was over,


what was the first thing you did?"
"I fucked my wife," Pekka said bluntly.
The journalist went crimson and tried desperately to change the subject.
"After that, I mean. What did you do after that?"
"I fucked her again," he answered.
The journalist turned an even darker shade of red.
"Other than that! Uh - what did you do when you were finished with all that?"
"Then I took off my skis, my heavy backpack and ate."
 

stevent222

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A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few
trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can
punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's
arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his

Artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
 

stevent222

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After the first week of sex education class, a young shapely teen

stormed out of the room after the class was over.
Encountering a female friend in the hall, the friend asked,


"Lori, what in the world is the matter with you?
You look as if you're about to kill someone."
"I am !!!" Lori fumed. "You just wait until I catch up with that Dennis.
All summer long, that clown had me convinced that 'foreplay'


involved tossing a coin for position
 

stevent222

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A young Arab boy asks his father “What is that strange hat you are wearing?”

The father said: “Why, my son, it is a ‘chechia.’ In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

“And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a ‘djbellah.’ As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My djbellah protects the entire body,”

The son then asked: “But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?”

“These are ‘babouches’ my son,” the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These babouches’ keep us from burning our feet.”

“So tell me then,” added the boy.

“Yes, my son…”

“Why are we living in Minnesota and still wearing all this shit?
 

stevent222

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The Bathtub Test
Some have counceled me to go to a long-term care home.



I was not sure about this. So I decided to ask my long time doctor. So, I awaited my next visit and I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in a Long-Term Care Home?"



"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."




"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."



"No," he said. "A normal person would pull the plug."



"Do you want a bed near the window?"