random Jokes

brilor

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Don’t be picking on Justin Briber. He saved my life! I was in an accident and in a coma for six weeks.
The nurse came in and turned on the TV and Justin was singing, I got up and turned it off.
 

stevent222

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Apr 3, 2006
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This Captain Knows How to Apportion Blame

A merchant captain and several of his officers were returning to the ship after a big evening ashore.

As they climbed the gangway the captain threw up all over himself.

Pointing to an apprentice seaman above him he shouted:


"Give that man five days in the brig for vomiting!"

The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that the young seaman had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief mate why.

"Well Sir, when we got you undressed we found that he'd also soiled your pants."
 

stevent222

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A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork."

The robot slaps the son.

The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"

Son says, "Toy Story."

The robot slaps the son.

Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn

Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."

The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."

The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale.
 

TonyColony

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Jun 3, 2019
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My brother didn't like jail..

My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.

After that, we never played Monopoly again.
 

brilor

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Choosing the next conservative leader is like choosing your favourite sexually transmitted disease.

They’re all unpleasant and some are worse than others but you really don’t want any of the fuckers!