random Jokes

TonyColony

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A vegan once said to me, "People who sell meat are disgusting."

I said, "People who sell vegetables and fruits are grocer."
 

stevent222

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It was the coldest winter ever. Many animals died because of

the cold. The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to

group together to keep warm. This way they covered and protected

themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions.

After a while, they decided to distance themselves one from the

other and they began to die, alone and frozen.

So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their

companions or disappear from the Earth.

Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. They learned

to live with the little wounds caused by the

close relationship with their companions in order to receive the

heat that came from the others.

This way they were able to survive.

The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect

people, but one in which each individual learns

to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the

other person's good qualities.

The moral of the story is:

Just learn to live with the Pricks in your life!
 

stevent222

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Upon taking a seat at the bar, the exec noticed that each stool had

a number painted on it. Sitting next to him was a rather depressed

looking gentleman and an attractive young woman who was obviously

enjoying herself.The newcomer turned toward the unhappy fellow

and asked if he knew the purpose of the numbers.

"Sure," the guy said. "Every half hour, the bartender spins a wheel

and whoever has the winning seat gets to go upstairs for the wild

sex orgy they have up there.""That's terrific!" exclaimed the

surprised customer. "Have you won?"

"Not yet," the man said, miserably, "but my date has, four times in a row!"
 

brilor

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Pence: "Kim's resigned."

Trump: "Nooooo! So sad, terrific guy, I'll miss him."

Pence: "No, not the human rights violating despot, the one who said you were inept."

Trump: "What a relief. Tremendous news. When are they executing him?"
 

TonyColony

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Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working. I'm going to my mum's."

I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold, I'm not sure what she was talking about.
 

brilor

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A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date

and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice

restaurant, buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine and on the way

home he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot.

They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to

reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and

wants to stay that way.



"Well, OK," he says, "how a bout a blow job?"



"EEEEyyyyyyeeeewwwwwww!" she screams. "I'm not putting that

thing in my mouth!"



He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?"



"I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"



"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used

to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?"



She nods.

"Well, it's just like that."



So he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it.



A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his

eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of

his ear and he screams out in pain.



"What's wrong?!" she cries out.



"TAKE YOUR THUMB OFF OF THE END!!!!!!"