random Jokes

TonyColony

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Did you know there are no canaries on the Canary Islands? Same as with the Virgin Islands..

No canaries there either.
 

stevent222

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I've been having all these years? Well, they're all gone."

"No more headaches?" the hubby asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a psychologist.

He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare and keep repeating

-I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache, I do not

have a headache. It worked! The headaches are all gone!!!"

"Well, that's wonderful," replies the husband.

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been

exactly good in bed these last few years.

Why don't you go see the psychologist and find out if he

can do anything for you?" The husband agrees.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home,

removes his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her to the bedroom.

He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later

and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes

back into the bathroom, comes back and round twowas even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes back to the bathroom.

This time, his wife follows him quietly, and there, in the bathroom,

she sees him standing in front of the mirror and saying,

"She's not my wife..

She's not my wife...She's not my wife!"

Next Sunday is his funeral
 

stevent222

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A young couple in love finally got all approvals and set their wedding date.


The frisky bride-to-be cuddles up to her fiancee and said,

"Darling, you know I want to fulfill this fantasy of mine to make

love before we get married.

Could we?" "But it's not long until June, dear,"

the cautious groom-to-be replied .

"Oh," she exclaimed.

"And how long will it be in June, do you think?"
 

stevent222

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The REAL Mother-in-law 🤪....



Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man.

"This young man agreed to marry my daughter," said one.

"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.

And so they haggled before the King, until he called for silence.

"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, " and I shall hew the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half.



"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.

But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."

The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The accountant must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.



"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.



"Indeed," said wise King Solomon.



"That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law." 🤭😁🤭
 

brilor

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Two lonely people

A guy is sitting at the bar drinking to drown his sorrows. A beautiful woman sits down next to him, orders a double, and sighs deeply.

He turns to her and asks her, "So what's wrong in your life?"

She hardly glances at him and says, "My husband left me today."

He says, "What a coincidence. My wife left me today."

They keep drinking for a few minutes and then he asks her, "So why did he leave you?"

She looks at him and says, "He said he couldn't stand living with me anymore."

He says, "What a coincidence! My wife said she couldn't stand living with me anymore, too."

They drink some more and then he asks her, "So what couldn't he stand about living with you?"

She smiles at him a little and says, "Well, I like really kinky sex and he didn't, so he left."

The guy shakes his head in disbelief and says, "This is incredible! I like really kinky sex and that's why my wife left."

They drink some more, exchanging sidelong glances, and he finally says, "Well, seeing as we're both alone now, and seeing as we both have similar interests..."

"Yes," she quickly says, "my apartment is right around the corner."

So they head over to her apartment.

Once inside, she says, "I'm going to slip into something a little more comfortable. I'll be right back."

She goes into her bedroom and gets undressed, then puts on a studded leather collar, black lace split-crotch panties, a leather bustier, fishnet stockings and spike heels, the whole setup.

She comes out of the bedroom to find the guy heading out the door.

"Why are you leaving?" she asks him, "You just got here. I thought we were going to have some kinky sex."

He looks at her and shrugs, "Hey, I fucked your dog and I’ve had a shit in your handbag. I'm done."
 

brilor

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A man goes to the doctors and says "Ddddddoctor, yyyyyou've gggggot to hhhhhhelp me, I've gggggggot this ttttterible ssssstuter!"
So the doc says, "Ok, I'll just examine you see if I can spot the problem."
When the guy drops his pants, his dick almost hits the floor it's so long. "Aha," says the doc, "There's your problem."
"Wwwwwwhat?" says the man.
"Well, your cock is so long the weight is pulling on your stomach muscles causing you to stammer and stutter."
"Cccccan yyyyyyou dddddo anything?"
"Well not much, your only hope is a transplant."
"Ppppppplease dddddoc yyyyou've got to hhhhhhhelp me."
So the doctor arranges the operation.

A few weeks later the guy goes into the doctors again. "Doc," he says "the voice is great, I can talk, order beer, everything. It's great. But there's one problem, this small cock is crap with the birds, any chance of getting my old knob back?"
To which the Doctor replies "Nnnnnnnnnnnnno fffffffffffuccckinnnnnn chhhhhance.!!🍺