random Jokes

TonyColony

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Today I angered two people by calling them "hipsters.."

Apparently, the correct term is "conjoined twins."
 

TonyColony

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are watching a street performer.

While he's juggling, the street performer notices that the four have a bad view, so he stands on a crate and asks them, "Can you all see me now?"

The four guys respond to him,

"Yes..."
"Oui..."
"Si..."
"Ja!"
 

stevent222

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The Tractor

A farmer walked into a bar and saw the local tractor salesman sitting there, head hung low, obviously upset, drowning his sorrows in his beer.

"What's up, John?" asked the farmer. "Gosh Bob, I'll tell you what ... if I don't sell a tractor soon, I'm gonna have to close my shop."

"Now John, things could be worse," said Bob.

"How do you figure?" asked John.

"Well, John - you know my 'ornery cow, Bessie? I went to milk her this morning and she just kept flicking her tail in my face. So I grabbed a piece of rope and tied it up to the rafter. Then, the nasty thing went and kicked the bucket away! So I tied her leg to the wall. Then she kicked my stool right out from underneath me, but I was out of rope. So I took my belt off and used it to tie her other leg to the other side of the stall.

Well wouldn't you just know it...my damn pants fell down."

"And John, if you can convince my wife that I was in there to MILK that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you.
 

stevent222

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A Dying Wish

Two Irishmen, Patrick Murphy, and Shawn O’Brien grew up together and were lifelong friends. But alas, Patrick developed cancer and was dying. While on his deathbed, Patrick called to his buddy, Shawn, “O’Brien, come ‘ere. I ‘ave a request for ye.” Shawn walked to his friend’s bedside and kneels.
“Shawny ole boy, we’ve been friends all our lives, and now I’m leaving ‘ere. I ‘ave one last request for ye to do.” O’Brien burst into tears, “Anything Patrick, anything ye wish. It’s done.”
“Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I’ll be able to enjoy it for all eternity.” O’Brien was overcome by the beauty and in the true Irish spirit of his friend’s request, he asked, “Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I pass it through me kidneys first?”
 

The Big Red One

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A Dying Wish

Two Irishmen, Patrick Murphy, and Shawn O’Brien grew up together and were lifelong friends. But alas, Patrick developed cancer and was dying. While on his deathbed, Patrick called to his buddy, Shawn, “O’Brien, come ‘ere. I ‘ave a request for ye.” Shawn walked to his friend’s bedside and kneels.
“Shawny ole boy, we’ve been friends all our lives, and now I’m leaving ‘ere. I ‘ave one last request for ye to do.” O’Brien burst into tears, “Anything Patrick, anything ye wish. It’s done.”
“Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I’ll be able to enjoy it for all eternity.” O’Brien was overcome by the beauty and in the true Irish spirit of his friend’s request, he asked, “Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I pass it through me kidneys first?”
Ouch, lol!