random Jokes

TonyColony

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My dyslexic French friend said he owed me some money..

OUI.
 

squirt

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A husband comes home after a week long trip.

He tells his wife "I want you so much after this trip"

He brings her to their bed and they have loud sex all night long.

At some point, the neighbor bang on the wall and screams "Shut up ! It's been 8 days like that, I can't take it anymore!"
oops lol giggles.gif
 

stevent222

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If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I'm great at multi-tasking, I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

Take my advice, I'm not using it.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.

Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home, when you wish they were.

Behind every great man is, a woman rolling her eyes.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today but, I couldn't find it.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy, other times I let her sleep.​
 

stevent222

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A woman in a supermarket is following a father and his badly-behaved son.

He has his hands full with the child screaming for candy, cookies and all sorts of things.

The father is saying in a controlled voice: “Easy, Duncan, we won’t be long”

Another outburst and she hears the father calmly say, “It’s okay Duncan. Just a couple more minutes

and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there.”

At the checkout, the little brat is throwing items out of the cart

Father says again in a controlled voice, "Duncan, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool Duncan."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside to where the father is loading the groceries and the boy into the car.

She says, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept

your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying that things would be okay.

Duncan is very lucky to have you as his father”

"Thanks", says the father, "but I am Duncan, this little bastard's name is Kevin".
 

brilor

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The mortician calls Mrs. Banley, and says, "Excuse me Mrs. Banley, but I can't seem to close the lid to your husband's coffin because he has a huge erection." To which she replies, "Why don't you cut it off and stick it up his ass? That's the only hole in town it hasn't been in."
 

brilor

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A man donates blood to his wife after she is badly injured. A few years later they go through a bitter divorce and he demands his blood back.
So she throws a tampon in his face and says, "There you go you miserable cunt, I'll pay you back monthly."
And the moral of this story is...even if a woman eventually pays back everything she owes to a man, there will always be a string attached!
 

brilor

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Wife says to husband, "If you cycle to work, we can get rid of the second car."

He replies, "If you take it up the arse and let me cum on your face, we can get rid of the nanny!"
 

brilor

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A man walks into a Podiatrist's office and places his penis on the counter. The nurse exclaims" That 's not a foot!!"...
the man replies quickly... "No ,.. but it's a good 10 inches!!"
 

brilor

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3 inch-unsatisfied.
4 inch-I’ve had bigger.
5 inch-Good.
6 inch-About right.
8 inch-Perfect.
10 inch-my insides hurt.
12 inch-I’m stuffed.
This is how I rate Pizza
 

brilor

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A recent questionaire asked 100 women if their c#*t twitched after sex.
98% replied no he usually just rolls over and falls asleep
 

brilor

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I picked up a fat chick wearing a tracksuit in my taxi and dropped her off
at the park.

She jumped out and started jogging down the road beside me.

"You go girl!" I shouted with a wolf whistle. "You'll be losing those
pounds before you know it."

"My fucking scarf's trapped in the door, you arsehole," she replied.
 

brilor

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If tennis players get tennis elbow, and squash players get squash knees, what do gynecologists get?
Tunnel vision!
 

brilor

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After the death of his wife an elderly man married a young woman ..

Now he was spending less time with his friends. His concerned friends enquired if there was a problem.

“I'm to pass time with you but my poor wife gets lonely when I'm away.”

Friends advised him to keep a young tenant at home, your wife will be happy in the company of a younger person.

The elderly man promptly acted on their advise and leased a room in house to a young tenant.The friends were meeting more often. One day the friends jokingly asked, “How is your wife now?” She is not lonely at all, in fact she is happy and “She is pregnant”

The friends laughed, as they expected this. “How is the tenant?” they asked.

The man replied very soberly “She is also pregnant"

Never underestimate the power of a senior citizen