Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. The family still
used an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was so hot in
the summer, freezing cold in the winter and stank all the time. The
outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy was determined
that one day he would push that old outhouse straight into the creek.
So, one day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen and the little
boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. He
found a large pole and started pushing.
Finally, after much effort, the outhouse toppled into the creek and
That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after
supper. The boy knew that meant a spanking, so he asked why.
The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It
was you, wasn't it son?"
The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read
in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and
didn't get into trouble because he told the truth..."
The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father probably
wasn't in the cherry tree."
Russ and Fred, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the
pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Russ didn't show up. Fred didn't think much about it and
figured maybe he had a cold or something..
But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Fred really got
worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at
the park, Fred didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find
out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Fred figured he had seen the last of Russ, but
one day, Fred approached the park and-- lo and behold!--there sat
Russ! Fred was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then
he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to
Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail!' cried Fred. What in the world for?'
'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at
the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'
'Yeah,' said Fred, 'I remember her. What about her?
'Well, the little gold-digging witch figured I was rich and she filed
rape charges against me; and, at 93 years old, I was so proud that
when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.
'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may
as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I
admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an
altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and
whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads.
Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates.
The Lord spoke unto them saying, “I will ask you each a simple
question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if
you lie….Hell is waiting for you.
To the first man the Lord asked, “How many times did you cheat on your
wife?” The first man replied, “Lord, I was a good husband. I never
cheated on my wife.” The Lord replied, “Very good! Not only will I
allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a
huge mansion and a limo for your transportation.
To the second man the Lord asked, “How many times did you cheat on
your wife?” The second man replied, “Lord, I cheated on my wife
twice.” The Lord replied, “I will allow you to come in, but for your
unfaithfulness, you will get a four- bedroom house and a BMW.
To the third man the Lord asked, “So, how many times did you cheat on
your wife?” The third man replied, “Lord, I cheated on my wife about 8
times.” The Lord replied, “I will allow you to come in, but for your
unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment, and a Yugo for your
A couple hours later the second and third men saw the first man crying
his eyes out. “Why are you crying?” the two men asked. “You got the
mansion and limo!” The first man replied, “I’m crying because I saw my
wife a little while ago, and she was riding a skateboard!”