random Jokes

stevent222

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Prior to her trip to Boerne, Texas, USA, Carol a blonde from England, confided to

her co-workers and friends she had three goals for her trip to Cowboy country;



1. She wanted to taste some real western Bar-B-Que.

2. She wanted to take in a bona fide rodeo...And...
3. She wanted to have sex with a local cowboy.


Upon returning, the girls were curious as to how she fared.

'Let me tell you, they have Texas beef to die for, and when they bar-b-q it, the taste is
unbelievable!'

'And I went to a real rodeo. Talk about athletes...Those guys wrestle full grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallop, then jump off the horses and grab the bull by the horns and throw them to the ground! It is just incredible!'



Then came the big question, 'Well tell us, did you have sex with a real cowboy?'

'Are you kidding? When I saw the size of the
condoms they carry in their back pockets I changed my mind!'





Brought to you by:







THE BEST CHEWING TOBACCO
 

TonyColony

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I was sitting at a bar last night and this Asian looking fella sits down next to me and takes a sip of beer.

I glance over at him and ask if he knows any of those martial arts like Kung fu, or Karate or Ju Jitsu. He says "No, WTF man!? Are you asking because I’m Chinese?"

I said no, it’s because you’re drinking my beer.
 

stevent222

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New Applicants for Heaven.

Saint Peter is seeing all of the new arrivals trying to go through the
pearly gates in Heaven: -

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a
good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying in bed with no
clothes on. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well,
her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry,
too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her
lover. I went out onto the balcony of our 9th-floor apartment and
found the guy clinging to the rail by his fingertips. I was so angry
that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and
fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he
was still alive, I found super human strength to drag our antique
cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and
killed him. At this point, the stress got to me and I suffered a
massive heart attack and died."

Saint Peter thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room.
The second applicant said that his last day was his worst ..."I was on
the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment and I
stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab
onto the balcony rail of a 9th-floor apartment but some idiot came
rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I
fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived. But as I looked up,
I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way
but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."
Saint Peter couldn't help but chuckle a bit as he directed the man to
the waiting room.

Saint Peter is still amused when his third customer of the day enters
and Saint Peter apologizes as he says, "I doubt that your last day was
as interesting as the two fellows that arrived here just before you."
"I don't know", replies the man. "Picture this -- I'm bare ass naked,
hiding in this cedar chest."
 

stevent222

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I Am Leaving The Job

A young peasant girl of twelve went to work in a broom factory. After
2 months she gave the boss a two-week notice.

The boss was quite unhappy to let her go since she was hard working,
knew her tasks etc. He called her into his office, "But why?" he
asked.

"Nothin, I just wanna quit that's all," she said sullenly.

"Look, I'll give you a raise."

"No," she said

"You can't just quit like that. There must be a reason. Tell me."

"Okay if you must know..." said the girl, and she took off her
underwear and pointed to her pubic hair. "Look I haven't had this
before, it's the broom's bristles, I tell you..."

Tickled by her innocence, he too took off his underwear and showed
his, and said, "Ha ha...my dear it's nature. Look I have it too....."

"Oh no!" the girl cried, "I can't wait two weeks, I quit now! Not only
do you have the bristles, but you've grown the handle as well."
 

stevent222

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Obama has died and gone to Hell.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Obama thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.


"No!" Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.


"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Obama.

The Devil opened the third door. In it, Obama saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Obama looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"
 

stevent222

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An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other.

Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout,

'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!'

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.


The old man liked the fact that he was feared. ---

To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98. His wife had a closed casket at the wake.

After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.


Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked,

'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?'

The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig.






I had him buried upside down and you know men won't ask for directions...'
 

brilor

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Thought you might be interested in this ...

A slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee was attending a great but
as yet unnamed athletic festival 2500 years ago in Greece.

In those days believe it or not the athletes performed naked.

To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on drink
containing saltpeter before and throughout the variety of events.

At the opening ceremonial parade Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked
magnificent males marching toward her and she exclaimed: "OH!! Limp Pricks!"

Over the next two and a half millennia that morphed into "Olympics".
 

stevent222

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Big Rain.

After a hardy Arkansas rainstorm filled all the potholes with rain in
the back alley, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in
a water puddle through her kitchen window. The older of the two, a
five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of the head and
shoved his face into the water hole. As the younger boy recovered
and stood laughing and dripping, the mother ran to the back yard in a
panic. "Why on Earth did you do that to your little brother?" she
screamed as she shook the older boy in anger."We were just playing
'church', Mommy," he said. "I was baptizing him like the preacher did
in church last Sunday. I said, “I now baptize you in the name of the
father, the son, and in-da-hole-he-goes.."