random Jokes

brilor

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69003105_2874161785933956_1258109741926711296_n.jpg
 

stevent222

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All the members of the company's board of directors were called into the chairman's office, one after another, until only Ted,
the junior member, was left sitting outside.

Finally it was his turn to be summoned.

Ted entered the office to find the chairman and the other four directors seated at the far end of the boardroom table.

Ted was instructed to stand at the other end of the table, which he did.

The chairman looked Ted squarely in the eye, and with a stern voice, he asked:


"Have you ever had sex with my secretary, Miss Floyd?"

"Oh, no, sir, positively not..!" Ted replied.

"Are you absolutely sure...?" asked the chairman.

"Honest, I've never been close enough to even touch her...."

"You'd swear to that?"

"Yes, I swear I've never had sex with Miss Floyd, anytime, anywhere." insisted Ted.


"Good. Then YOU will be the one to fire her."


 

stevent222

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Lion tamer

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show
up. One is a good looking lad in his mid-twenties and the other is a
gorgeous blonde about the same age.
The circus owner tells them: I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is
one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or
you're history. Here's your equipment: chair, whip and a gun. Who
wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and
the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl
and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws
open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead
in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her
ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his
head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a
display like that in my life," He then turns to the young man and
asks, "can you top that?"
The young man replies. "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."
 

stevent222

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A DEA police officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old
rancher. From the first second he had a bad attitude about him,
annoyed he had to muddy his clean boots out in the country. He tells
the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.”
The rancher says, “Alright, you can search the ranch, but do not go in
that field over there.”

The DEA officer, clearly angry, says, “Mister, I have the authority of
the Federal Government with me.” Reaching into his rear pants pocket,
he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher.

“See this badge? DO you?!? This badge means I am allowed to go
wherever I wish, on any land, no questions asked or answers given.
Have I made myself clear? Do you understand me?!?” He shouts.

The rancher nods quietly, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the
DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher’s big Santa
Gertrudis Bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the
officer, as he runs for all he’s worth.

The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the
top of his lungs:

“Your badge… Show him your BADGE!!!”
 

stevent222

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An old lady went into a bar in Dallas, TX and saw a cowboy with his feet

propped upon a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.

The old woman asked the man if it's true what they say about men

with big feet being well endowed.



The man grinned and said, 'Sure is, little lady. Why don't you come

to my apartment and let me prove it to you?'

The old woman considered she might never get an offer like this again

and was curious to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.

The next morning, she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, 'Well, thank you, I'm really flattered.

Nobody has ever paid me for my 'services' before!'

'Don't be flattered' she replied...

'Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit...'

... Women can be so cruel !!
 

stevent222

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A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed. The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife.

A moment of silence passes and the guy says, "I can't believe they fucked my wife after only five beers!"
 

stevent222

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Got this text from my brother recently. It read. "Can I stay at your house for a while? The ol' Lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my dick. It just reaches the back of her sister's throat!"
 

stevent222

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I was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the f ron t door open. She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!"

Thinking back, I really should have ran - but you don't get offers like that every day.
 

stevent222

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My wife just came in and said, "I don't know if I am coming or going."

I said to her, "Judging by the look on your face, you're going - 'cus when you're coming, you look like a fucking goat trying to whistle!"
 

stevent222

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I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money.
Last night I fucked a girl called Penny - is that spooky or what?
 

stevent222

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Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor black orphans.

I said, "Fuck that - knowing my luck, I'd win one!"