random Jokes

stevent222

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Farmer in Manitoba

A farmer in Manitoba has successfully grown a field of vibrators....
Unfortunately, he now has a problem with squatters
 

stevent222

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Rodney and Bill were at a bar talking about how highly their wives
thought of them.

Bill said, "My wife thinks so much of me that she won't let me do any
work around the house. It's incredible."

Not to be out done, Rodney said, "That's nothing. My wife thinks I'm God."

Confused Bill asked, "She thinks you're God? What makes you say that?"

"Every night she places a burnt offering before me."
 

stevent222

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A Dying Man's Last Note
Ol' Fred was in the hospital, badly ill. The family called his personal physician and best friend to stand with them. As his best friend stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.


His friend lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then immediately after, died. The friend, in his grief, put the note in his wallet and forgot about it.



2 days later, at the funeral, as he was finishing a speech about the life of his best friend Fred, he realized that he still had the note.



He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."



He opened the note and read:

*​

*​

*​

*


*

*
 

stevent222

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Three men were
Hiking through a forest....
...
When they came
Upon a large raging, violent river.


Needing to get to
The other side, the first man prayed:


' God, please give
Me the strength to cross the river..


Poof!!!


God gave him big
Arms and strong legs...


And he was able to
Swim across in about 2 hours,


Having almost
Drowned twice.


After witnessing
That,the second man
Prayed:


'God, please give
Me strength and the tools to cross the river'


Poof!!!


God gave him a
Rowboat and strong arms and strong
Legs...

And he was able to
Row across
In about an hour


After
Almost
Capsizing once


Seeing what
Happened to the first two men,
The third man
Prayed:


'God, please give
Me the strength,the tools and the
Intelligence to cross the river'

Poof!!!


HE WAS TURNED
INTO A WOMAN!!!

She checked the
Map,hiked one hundred
Yards upstream...


And walked across
The bridge


Guys, if at first
You don't succeed,do it the way
Your wife told
You!
 

TonyColony

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A couple have been married 25 years, and one day, the husband found a box in the attic with three bonnets and $2,500..

He asked his wife and she responded, "Every time I got mad at you, I knitted a bonnet." The husband was proud that in 25 years, he had only angered his wife three times.

"OK," he said, "that explains the bonnets, but what about the $2,500 dollars?"

The wife smiled and said, "That's money from all the bonnets I sold."
 

TonyColony

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My wife told me, “If anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new..”

Apparently, “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in traffic.
 

TonyColony

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A husband asks his wife what she would do if they won the lottery.

Wife: "I would take half and leave you."

Husband hands her a ticket: "Great! We won $12, take half and have a good life."
 

brilor

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A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor...
The doctor says, “Okay, Mrs. Jones, what’s the problem?”
The mother says, “It’s my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight, and is sick most mornings.”
The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but your Debbie’s pregnant – about 4 months, would be my guess..”
The mother says, “Pregnant?! She can’t be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you Debbie ?”
Debbie says, “No mother! I’ve never even kissed a man, I’m still a virgin!”
The doctor walked over to the window and just stood there staring out into orbit. About five minutes pass and finally, the mother says, “Is there something wrong out there doctor?”
The doctor replies, “No, not really, it’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. And there’s no way I’m going to miss it this time . !!
 

brilor

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A farmer goes to a livestock dealer and buys an anvil, a bucket, two chickens, and a goose. The farmer looks at his purchases and says, "Darn, I WALKED here. How am I gonna carry all this home?" The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went. While walking home he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live just down the road from there. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." The little old lady said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?" The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" She replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket ... and I'll hold the chickens."