random Jokes

TonyColony

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 3, 2019
Messages
180
Likes
399
My wife says I treat her like she’s a god..

every meal is a burnt offering.
 

TonyColony

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 3, 2019
Messages
180
Likes
399
My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans..

I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"
 

stevent222

Jokeroo Immortal
Joined
Apr 3, 2006
Messages
287,099
Likes
23,622
Back on January 9th, a group of Wadesboro, North Carolina bikers

were riding east on Hwy.74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the

Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?" She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
 

stevent222

Jokeroo Immortal
Joined
Apr 3, 2006
Messages
287,099
Likes
23,622


The Honest Golfer


An older golfer was hitting his ball from near a water hazard and his club fell into the water.
When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?


The golfer replied that his club had fallen into the water and he needed the club to have a chance to win the tournament and supplement his meager pension.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden club.
"Is this your club?" the Lord asked.
The golfer replied, "No.


The Lord again went down and came up with a silver club.
"Is this your club?" the Lord asked.
Again, the golfer replied, "No.


The Lord went down again and came up with an iron club.
"Is this your club?" the Lord asked.
The golfer replied, "Yes.



"The Lord was pleased with the golfer's honesty and gave him all three clubs to keep, and the golfer went home happy.

Sometime later, the golfer was walking with his wife along the water hazard, and she fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my woman has fallen into the water!

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Kate Upton.
"Is this your woman?" the Lord asked?


Kate Upton
"Yes," cried the golfer.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The golfer replied, "Oh, forgive me Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'No' to Kate Upton, you would have come up with Jennifer Anniston. Then if I said 'No' to her, you would have come up with my woman. Had I then said 'Yes,' you would have given me all three. And Lord, I am an old man not able to take care of all three women in a way that they deserve. That's why I said 'Yes' to Kate Upton.

And God was pleased

The moral of this story is:

If a golfer ever tells a lie, it is for a good and honorable reason and only out of consideration for others!
 

stevent222

Jokeroo Immortal
Joined
Apr 3, 2006
Messages
287,099
Likes
23,622
Texas Wives
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.
The first man had married a woman from Alabama, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Texas girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a landscaper.​
 

stevent222

Jokeroo Immortal
Joined
Apr 3, 2006
Messages
287,099
Likes
23,622
Old Golfer



An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

COLD BEER: $5.00
HAMBURGER: $10.00
CHEESEBURGER: $15.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $18.50
HAND JOB: $250.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.




She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. "May I help you sir?"

The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, "I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?"

She looks into his wrinkled eyes and with a wide smile purrs, "Yes sir, I sure am."

The old golfer leans in even closer and into her left ear says softly, "Well then, be sure to wash your hands real good, because I want a cheeseburger."
 

stevent222

Jokeroo Immortal
Joined
Apr 3, 2006
Messages
287,099
Likes
23,622
This is something that happened in an assisted living center where a friend
used to work.

The people who lived there have small apartments but they all eat at a
central cafeteria. One morning one of the residents didn't show up for
breakfast so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if
everything was OK. She could hear him through the door and he said that he
was running late and would be down shortly so she went back to the dining
area.

An hour later he still hadn't arrived so she went back up towards his room
and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but was
having a hell of time. He had a death grip on the hand rail and seemed to
have trouble getting his legs to work right. She told him she was going to
call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain and just
wanted to have his breakfast. So she helped him the rest of the way down
the stairs and he had his breakfast.

When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up
even the first step so they called an ambulance for him. A couple hours
later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. The receptionist
there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one leg of his
boxer shorts.