random Jokes

stevent222

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BUCK BUCKY are lying in bed.

BUCK says,

"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."

BUCKY says "I'll miss you."
 

stevent222

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BUCK is Like an Automobile

As he gets older, the differential starts slopping, and the U-joints get worn,

causing the drive shaft to go bad.
The transmission won't go into high gear and

sometimes has difficulty getting out of low.

Overdrive is out of the question!
The cylinders get worn and lost compression,

making it hard to climb the slightest incline.

When it is climbing the tappets clatter and ping to the point

where one wonders if the old bus will make it to the top.
The carburetor gets fouled with pollutants and other matter,

making it hard to get started in the morning.

His gas fumes can kill ya!
It is hard to keep the radiator filled because of the leaking hose.

His frame has a big bow in the middle too.

The thermostat goes out, making it difficult to reach operating temperature.

The headlights grow dim, and the battery needs constant recharging.
His shifter is stuck in the down position which is the 'low position'

and ya can't get anywhere that way.
But if the body looks good, we can keep it washed and polished,

giving the impression it can compete with newer models and

make one more trip down the primrose lane before the head gasket blows
 

stevent222

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Coming home from work one night the neighbor yelled to BUCK.

"I have a couple of extra tickets to a play in town tonight,

and I wonder if you and BUCKY would like to have them?"

"I'll ask her," BUCK responded.

He opened the door and called out, "Honey, would you like to see 'Oliver Twist' tonight?"

"No way!" BUCKY retorted, "If you show me one more trick with that thing,

I'm going home to my Mother!"
 

stevent222

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The Stranger and the Cowboy

>




A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new 2019 AUDI advanced towards him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man named Cliff in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses, and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, who obviously knows more than the cowboy, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Apple iPhone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Apple iPad® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Galaxy S5® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 15-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.. Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S.Government," says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are, and you don't know how working people make a living –you know nothing about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.”
“Now give me back my dog.”
 

stevent222

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The Neighbor's Confession
Bob comes home to see an email from his neighbor Alan.
'Hi Bob,

This is Alan next door. I am sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling in writing as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.

The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around.

In fact, probably more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know.

The temptation was just too much!

I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me.

I promise that it won't happen again. Please come up with a fee for your wife, and I'll pay you.

Regards, Alan.'



Unsurprisingly, Bob got into an incredible rage upon reading this email. Feeling insulted and betrayed, he grabbed his gun, walked briskly outside and into his neighbor's house and shot his neighbor dead. He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa to brood.

He took out his phone where he saw he had a subsequent email from his neighbor he didn't notice.

'Hi Bob, this is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo in my last email. I expect you worked it out anyway, but as I’m sure you noticed that my Autocorrect changed “Wi-Fi” to "Wife." Technology hey?!? Hope you saw the funny side of that!

Regards, Alan.'
 

stevent222

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The Healing

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on TV. The
evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their TV
set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part
where they wanted to be healed.

Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the TV, placed her right hand on
the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing
her to have great pain.

Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set
and his left hand on his crotch. Grandma scowled at him and said, "I
guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the
sick, not to raise the dead."
 

stevent222

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Life was good at the Smiths. It was just another day.
Suddenly, shouts were heard from inside the house. The wife was shouting at Marty, her husband.

Marty was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife was really angry.



She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work.

When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
 

stevent222

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Two good friends meet in the afterlife.

Friend 1: Hey!

Friend 2: Hi!!

Friend 1: So how did you die?

Friend 2: I froze to death.

Friend 1: How terrible!

Friend 2: It wasn’t so bad, after a while I got a warm feeling inside
and died peacefully. Anyways, how did you die?

Friend 1: Well I thought my husband was cheating and when I got home
he was watching tv and eating chips.

Friend 2: And? How did you die?

Friend 1: Well I thought he was cheating so I ran around the entire
house looking. I looked in the closet, under the bed, in the cars,
behind the couch, in the pantry, and even on the balcony. Well by the
time I was done searching I was so worked up I got a heart attack and
died.

The second friend starts crying.

"What's the matter?" Asks the first friend, "Why are you crying?"

The second friend lifted her head. "You couldn't start with the FRIDGE?!?"
 

brilor

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"It's times like these I wish we lived abroad," I said to my wife, staring out of the front window.
"Yeah, the weathers shit isn't it?" She replied.
"Not the weather," I said. "Your mother's coming up the fucking drive."🤣
 

stevent222

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I know you are a terrific analytical person, so see if you can answer that her golf handicap is.

Answer is below, so don't scan down past the picture until you have mad a decision























Hello! Of course she can't see the ball, as her glasses are on her head.

You noticed that, right?
 

brilor

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A woman walked into the pharmacy and asked for a vibrator.
The pharmacist gestured with his index finger and said, "Come this way."
The woman replied, "If I could come that way, I wouldn't need a vibrator!"
 

brilor

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A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotch less panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.
She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs ... enough times till her husband says... "Are you wearing crotch less panties?"
"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.
"Thank God for that ... I thought you were sitting on the cat.

He never heard the gunshot.
 

brilor

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02080490090 have just cold called me. They wanted to talk to me about my recent car accident, was I hurt they asked ?
Yes I said. I got a lot of sympathy and then I was passed to another handler. They took down all my details etc, (all false) and then asked about the accident.
I told them how my car was crushed between 2 Tesco lorries, how the fire fighters cut me out and the paramedics kept me alive while all this was going on. The 'blue light' special to Guys hospital in London as I was too injured to fly.
They asked how serious my injuries were, all the while they were hearing the cash registers ringing. I then gravely told them how I lost my legs. Kerching! Tescos were going to get screwed.
I was then asked if there were any complications. I explained I died a few days later and my funeral is next Thursday.
Apparently, I'm a time wasting asshole............😂
 

brilor

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Two Army boys, Leroy & Jasper, from the hills of Kentucky were promoted right from privates to Sergeants because of their great marksmanship with rifles.
Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey, Jasper, There's the NCO Club. Let's you and Me stop in." "But we's privates," protests Jasper. "We's sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside. "Now, Jasper, I'm a gonna sit down and have me a drink." "But we's privates," says Jasper. "Are you blind, boy?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. We's sergeants now, so hush your mouth!"
So they have their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. "You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea." "Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."
So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back and gives Leroy the big okay sign. Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.
"Jasper," he says, "why did you give me the okay sign?"
"Well Leroy, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea affects only the privates." He points to his stripes. "But we's sergeants now!"