Rednecks and back woods jokes

mytime

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#1
Two young men from up in Minnesota were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models.

Ole says to the Sven "Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?"

Sven replies, "Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!"

Ole says, with wide eyes, "Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one."

Sven smiles and pats him on the back, "Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too."

Three weeks later, Sven asks his friend Ole, "Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?"

Ole replies, "No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!"
 

mytime

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#2
Dan, a 35 year old New York stock broker had made it so big on Wall Street that he was able to retire at a young age.

Using his wealth, he buys a small cottage in the Vermont mountains.

After 6 months of hardly any human contact, except for venturing into town for supplies, he hears a knock on his door.

He opens the door to find this big, surly, bearded man standing in front of him.

"May I help you," Dan asks.

"The name's Jim, I live 'bout two miles down the road in my cabin," the man says.

"I'm having a party this coming Saturday and I thought I'd invite you seein' that you're new and all here."

Dan accepts the invitation saying, "Great, I haven't been out in six months."

Jim says "I gotta warn ya, there's gon' be a lot a drinkin at this party."

"Well, I've been to all the bars in New York and have held my ground with the best of them," Dan replies.

"A lot of fightin' goes on that these parties too," Jim says.

Dan replies "well, it'll be nice to get out and I think I can hold my own."

Jim offers, "there's also gon' be some wild love making."

"Well I have been alone for the last six months," Dan says with a laugh.

So the two exchange numbers and directions and just as Jim is walking away Dan says "What should I wear?"

Jim turns and replies, "Whatever you want, just gon' be us two."
 

stevent222

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#3
In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man... It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.

The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"

 

stevent222

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#4
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

You Know Your Church is A Redneck Church if.....people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

You Know Your Church is a Redneck Church if....when the Pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering." Five guys and two women stand up.

You Know Your Church is A Redneck Church if....opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

You Know Your Church is A Redneck Church if....a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

You Know Your Church is A Redneck Church if....in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

You Know Your Church is A Redneck Church if....Baptism is referred to as branding".

You Know Your Church is A Redneck Church if...high notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

You Know Your Church is A Redneck Church if...people think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

You Know Your Church is A Redneck Church if....the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.

You Know Your Church is A Redneck Church if...the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

You Know Your Church is A Redneck Church if...the collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.

You Know Your Church is A Redneck Church if...instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.

You Know Your Church is A Redneck Church if...the communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".

You Know Your Church is A Redneck Church if..."Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs, too.

You Know Your Church is A Redneck Church if...the final words of the benediction are, "Ya'll come back now!! Ya Hear".

 

stevent222

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#5
A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked. When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages.

She said, "Les' see now, there's the twins, Kathy and Katy, they're eighteen. And the twins, Seth and Beth, they're sixteen. And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they're fourteen---- "

"Hold on!" said the census taker, "Did you get twins every time?"

The woman answered, "Heck no, there were whole bunch of times we didn't get nothin'."
 

stevent222

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#6
Bubba`s first military assignment was to a military induction center, and, because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.

Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Bubba was getting a 99% sign up for the top GI insurance.

This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage than what the government was already granting.

The Captain decided that he would not ask Bubba about his selling techniques but that he would sit in the back of the room and observe Bubba's sales pitch.

Bubba stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated, "If you have the normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and are killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000. If you take out the supplemental GI insurance (which will cost you an additional $30.00 per month), the government pays your beneficiary $200,000.

"NOW," Bubba concluded, "which bunch do you think they're gonna send into battle first?"
 

stevent222

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#7
'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'

'Yes. What can I do for you?'

'Ah'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's a-hidin' it there.'

'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They searched the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?'

'Yeah sure did!'

'Did they chop all-a ya firewood?'

'Yep!'

'Happy Birthday, buddy!'

(Rednecks know how to git-R-dun).
 

stevent222

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#8
You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.


Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people."


You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.


You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it..


You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.


You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.


You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.


The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.


Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.


You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen start your engines."


You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.


You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night..


Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey watch this."


Your junior prom had a day-care.


You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.


Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.


One of your kids was born on a pool table.


You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.


You come home from the garbage dump with more than you went with.


More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.


You've ever used lard in bed


You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve


Fewer than half of your cars run.


There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.


Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.


The primary color of your car is "bondo".


You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.


You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper quality entertainment.


You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.


Your family tree doesn't fork.


Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.


You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.


Your brother-in-law is your uncle.


The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.


You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.


The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are you looking at, Shithead?"


Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.


You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.


You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.


The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".


The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!", "HEY!", or "How Y'all Doin?" (If they respond with the same... they're a redneck too!)


Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.


You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.


You've been too drunk to fish.


You think that the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.


You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'


You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures


You've ever financed a tattoo.


You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.


Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.


The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".


Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.


Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.


You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.


You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.


You have to scratch your sisters name out of the message: "for a good time call . .", because you feel guilty about putting it there...


Meet women at Yahoo!
Have a free look around on us


Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.


Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.


You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.


You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.


You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.


You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.


You have flowers planted in a bathromm appliance in your front yard.


Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it."


Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.


You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.


You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.


You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".


You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.


You own at least 20 baseball hats.


You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.


you mow your grass and find three cars.


The biggest city you've been to is Wal-Mart.


You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.


Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them


You have 5 cars that are immobile and house that is!


You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end"


Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.


You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.


You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.


Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray


Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddle


When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.


You know you're a redneck if you wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.


" Buck Naked Line Dancing" isn't a videotape, it's "Ladies Night" at the local bar.


Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.


You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.


Dolly Parton reminds you of the `Grand Tetons'. (of course this is a very sophisticated redneck joke... if you laughed... you must be a redneck, only they will get this one.)


Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center. (Clinton true-life story)


You've ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose! "


Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
 

stevent222

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#9
Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex.
"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly.
It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Clem recalled.

"That sounds wonderful," said Jed.

"Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."

"Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"

"Baaaaa..."
 

stevent222

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#10
Top 10 Reasons to Know You're a Redneck
1. Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.

2. You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer appreciation suppers, and vacations.

3. You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house.

4. You've never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.

5. You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide rate and yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife's birthday.

6. You have used a velvet leaf plant as toilet paper.

7. You have driven off the road while examining your neighbors crops.

8. You have borrowed gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your driveway.

9. You have buried a dog and cried like a baby.

10. You've used the same knife to make bull calves steers and peel apples.
 

stevent222

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#11
[
Redneck Engineering Exam
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? a) '66 Ford Fairlane b) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle c) '64 Pontiac GTO

3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?

4. A pulpwood cutter has chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The lot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tall-Boys will it take to cut the trees?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?

8. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain? For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have mufflers and uncracked windshields?

9. A Coal Mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

10. How many generations will it take before cattle develop two legs shorter than the others because of grazing along a mountainside?​
 

stevent222

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#12
Backwoods High Tech​


Backup - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods.
Bug - The reason you give for calling in sick.
Byte - What your pitbull done to cousin Jethro.
Chip - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.
Terminal - Time to call the undertaker.
Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.
Digital - The art of counting on your fingers.
Diskette - Female Disco dancer.
Fax - What you lie about to the IRS.
Hacker - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking.
Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.
Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
Mac - Big Bubba's favorite fast food.
Megahertz - How your head feels after 17 beers.
Modem - What you do when the grass gets too high.
Mouse Pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.
Network - Scooping up a big fish before it breaks the line.
ROM - Where the pope lives.
Screen - Keeps mosquitoes off the porch.
Serial Port - A red wine you drink with breakfast.
Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year.
SCSI (pronounced scuzzi) - What you call your week-old underwear.
 

stevent222

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#13
Q: Why did God invent armadillos?
A: So that rednecks can have 'possum on the half-shell.


How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There is tobacco spit stains on BOTH sides of his pickup truck.


 

stevent222

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#14
Two rednecks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer, when flashing lights from a policeman appear in the driver's rear-view mirror. ''Don't worry!'' says the driver to his friend, ''Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly.

First, we'll peel the labels off our beer bottles and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Now shove all of the bottles under the front seat! And, let me do all the talking!''

They pull over to the side of the road and the cop walks up to the car. He shines his flashlight into the car and looks at the two drunks. ''Have you been drinking?'' he asks them.

" Oh no Sir, " replies the driver.
" I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you sure you haven't been drinking? ".
" Oh, no sir,'' the drunk answers. ''We haven't had a thing to drink tonight. "
" Well, I've got to ask you,'' says the cop, ''What on earth are those things on your forehead? "
" That's easy, Officer,'' says the drunk. ''You see, we're both alcoholics, and we're on the patch! "
 

stevent222

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#15
Field of Dreams?
A farmer's crop was ruined for the year and he was having no luck at all. Then he heard a voice, ''If you build it they will come.'' He thought nothing of it at first but then he heard it again, ''If you build it they will come.'' So the farmer thought and thought, prayed and prayed, until finally, he knew what to do. A few months later he completed construction of his new strip club!
 

stevent222

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#17
Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off of a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.

A reporter strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.
"Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he writes in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Giants fan," the little hero replies.
"Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were," says the reporter.
"Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack," he writes in his notebook.

"I'm not a Jets fan either," the boy says.
"I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for?" the reporter asks.
"I'm a Cowboys fan," the child says.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Redneck Maniac Kills Beloved Family Pet".​
 

mytime

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#18
Redneck Jedi


You might be a Redneck Jedi if:

* Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

* You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

* At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

* You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

* You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

* You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.

* You have a Confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.

* You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

* You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

* You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with a redwood deck.

* You were the only one drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.

* You know Ewoks squeal like pigs.

* You use your R-2 unit as a beer coaster.

* Your land-speeder had a light saber rack.
 

mytime

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#19
In a small town in Tennessee, Big Bubba decides it's time for his son, 14-year-old Billy Bob, to learn the facts of life.

He takes him to the local house of ill repute, which is fronted by a beauty parlor.

Bubba introduces Billy Bob to the madam, and explains that it's time for his indoctrination to sex.

The madam says, "Bubba you've been such a good customer over the years, I'm going to see to this personally."

So the madam takes Billy Bob by the hand and leads him upstairs, where she completes his deflowering.

Later, as they are walking downstairs the madam says, "Since this is your first time, I'm going to see that you get the full treatment before you leave. I'm going to give you a manicure."

Two weeks later Bubba and Billy Bob run into the madam on the main street.

Billy Bob is acting a little shy. So the madam smiles and says, "Well, Billy Bob, don't you remember me?"

"Yes, Ma'am, the boy stammers, "you're the lady that gave me the crabs and then cut off my fingernails so I couldn't scratch 'em."
 

brilor

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#20
The Italian says, "When I've a finished a makina da
love withah my girlfriend, I go down and gently tickle
de back of her knees, she floats ah 6 inches above a
da bed in ecstasy."

The Frenchman replies, "Zat is noting, when Ah've
finished making ze love with ze girlfriend, Ah kiss all
ze waydown her body and zen Ah lick za soles of her
feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above
ze bed in pure ecstasy."

The redneck says, "That ain't nothin buddy. When I've
finished doin it to the ole lady, I git out of bed, walks
over to the winder and wipe my pecker on the curtains.
She hits the freakin ceiling!"