Rednecks and back woods jokes

mytime

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#81
Two Alabama State Trooper Patrol cars were in hot pursuit of a Camaro heading east towards Georgia on I-90.

When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first trooper pulled over immediately. The rookie Trooper pulled over right behind him and asked, "Sarge, why'd you stop?"

"You dumb rookie," replied the Sarge. "He's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him."
 

mytime

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#82
Most of this I posted back in June, but this one has some nice additions to it:


Redneck Etiquette

PERSONAL HYGIENE
Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.

While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the tastes of finger foods.

Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours. Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.


DINING OUT
When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours.


ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.

Be considerate of your guests. Point out in advance where the injury-threatening springs are located on the sofa.

If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.


DATING (Outside the Family)
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

No matter how broke you are, never take your date flowers that were stolen from a cemetery.

Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years ago."

Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00. Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the boy's responsibility to get her to school on time.

If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.

Even if you can't get a date, avoid kidnapping. It's bad for your reputation.


THEATER ETIQUETTE
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.


WEDDINGS
Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

Is it okay to bring a date to a wedding? Not if you are the groom.

When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.

Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you cut.

A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also a proven fly deterrent.

For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.


DRIVING ETIQUETTE
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.

When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.

When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.

Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.


TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.

Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.

It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around.

If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.

When asked to deliver the eulogy at a funeral, remember to honor the deceased. However, don't brag about his romantic exploits, his ability to hold his liquor, how proficient he was with spray paint, or about the really wild parties he used to have.
 

mytime

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#85
A forty-year-old hillbilly carried a younger hillbilly into the doctor's office, deposited him on the examining table, and said, "See if you can patch him up good. I shot up his rear end like it was a tail on a possum. Don't hurt him none, 'cause he's my son-in-law."

The doctor said, "Why would you shoot your son-in-law?"

The hillbilly said, "He warn't my son-in-law when I shot him."
 

mytime

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#86
Q: Why don't they teach drivers ed. and sex ed. in the same day in Arkansas?

A: It's too hard on the mules.
 

mytime

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#87
The following questions and answers were actually collected from SAT tests given in Springdale, Arkansas in 2000 to 16-year-old students!
(Don't laugh too hard----one of these kids may be the American President someday.)

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section."
A: The caesarian section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.
 

mytime

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#89
Q: Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32?

A: It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!
 

mytime

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#90
More Things You Would NEVER Hear A Redneck Say

-I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
-Duct tape won't fix that.
-Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
-Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
-We don't keep firearms in this house.
-Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
-You can't feed that to the dog.
-I thought Graceland was tacky.
-No kids in the back of the pick-up; it's not safe.
-Wrasslin's fake.
-Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
-We're vegetarians.
-Do you think my hair is too big?
-I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
-Honey, do these Bonsai trees need watering?
-Who's Richard Petty?
-Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
-Deer heads detract from the decor.
-Spitting is such a nasty habit.
-I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
-Trim the fat off that steak.
-Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
-The tires on that truck are too big.
-I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
-I've got it all on a floppy disk.
-Unsweetened tea tastes better.
-Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
-My fiancee, Betty Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
-I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
-Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
-Checkmate.
-She's too old to be wearing a bikini.
-Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
-Hey, here's an episode of 'Hee Haw' that we haven't seen.
-I don't have a favorite college team.
-Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
-I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
-Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
-Elvis who?
 

mytime

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#91
A man in Alabama had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "I have a flat tare."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did understand that neither."
 

mytime

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#92
You might be a Star Wars redneck if...

-Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color.
-You have ever used your Light Saber to open a bottle of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill.
-At least one wing of your X-Wing is primer-colored.
-There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder.
-You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.
-You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
-You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.
-You think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets.
-You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.
-You ever lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you had to spit.
-The worst part of spending time on Dagoba is the dadgum skeeters.
-Wookies are offended by your B.O.
-You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
-You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
-You have ever used a light-sabre to clean fish or open a non-twist-off bottle of beer.
-Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son, come on over t' the dark side...it'll be a hoot."
-You have ever told your R-2 unit to use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the bar-b-q grill to light.
-You've ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
-You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your landspeeder.
-You think Han Solo would look better in a flannel, 'cause he looks a little sissy in that vest.
-You've ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
-You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
-You've ever fallen in love with your sister.
-You have ever accidentally referred to Darth Vader's evil empire as "them damn Yankees."
-You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
-You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with a red wood deck.
-You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels on the rocks during the cantina scene.
-In your opinion, that Darth Vader fellow "just ain't right
 

mytime

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#93
Redneck Poem:



Collards is green, my dog's name is Blue
And I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like corn silk a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass, which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway.
Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can.

You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud;
I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms,
Well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work, they all want to know,
What I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape, yo're there fer yore man,
To patch up life's troubles and fix what you can.

Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed.
Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt,
You spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'.
Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank,
We go together like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart, it's romantic that way.

Some men git roses on that special day
From the cooler at Kroger. That's impressive," I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey, these won't do.
Cause yor'e too special, you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift, without taste nor odor,
More useful than diamonds......IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!
 

squirt

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#94
After many months of difficult training Rufus has successfully got his golden retriever to walk on water. Comes now the big day: Duck hunting with his buddy Cletus!

A long wait is ended by approaching ducks ... Bam, bam ... Down comes a duck! The dog walks out on the lake and brings back the duck.

Hours pass and more ducks come. Again, bam, bam ... Another duck down! Again the dog walks out on the water and retrieves the duck!

Later, on the way home, Rufus cannot help but ask Cletus if he has noticed anything unusual with his dog.

Says Cletus, "I didn't want to make too much of it, but I did notice that your dog can't swim".
 

mytime

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#95
The McCoys are a typical family of hillbillies: Paw, Maw, Jethro and little Sally.

One day, Jethro asked, "Paw, what is Sex?"

Paw says, "Since you are a big boy I will show you."

Paw hollers, "Maw get yourself in here!"



Paw then says,"Maw, take your clothes off and get on the bed. Now spread your legs."

Paw says,"Jethro see that thar little hole? Now watch this!"



Paw goes about screwin? her mom with wild abandon.

In the midst of Paw's demonstration Little Sally comes in and exclaims, "What is going on? "

Jethro answers, "Paw is teaching me about sex."

Little Sally asks, "What is Sex?"

Jethro replies, "See that little hole on Paw? Now watch this!"
 

mytime

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#96
There was a redneck father and son who were always in competition with each other.
One day the son left to take an entrance exam at a university. He wanted to major in medicine.
A week later he returned from his trip looking very down in the dumps. "How was the exam?" asked his father.
"They asked quite a lot of 'fill in the missing letter' questions about first aid and stuff. I got a score of 75%. It wasn't good enough to get accepted," the boy replied.
"Well in that I better take that exam myself," the father said. So off to the university he went.
A week later the father returned from his trip looking very down in the dumps. "How was the exam?" asked his son.
"They asked quite a lot of 'fill in the missing letter' questions about first aid and I got all wrong but one."
"Gee, Dad. Which question was that?"
"The question was...", started the father, "What do you do when you come across a lady which has fainted. You feel her pu_s_?"
"That's easy", the son replied. "The answer is pulse."
"Oh, hell", said the father, "I got that one wrong as well."
 

brilor

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#97
Dear Ma and Pa:
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there’s warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much.
We go on “route marches,” which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it’s not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don’t move, and it ain’t shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain’t like fighting with that ole bull at home. I’m about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I’m only 5’6″ and 130 pounds and he’s 6’8″ and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Alice
 

brilor

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#98
How do you know if a redneck is married?
There is tobacco spit stains on both sides of his pick up truck!
 

KingHomie

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#99
Going on A Bear Hunt Well, once upon a time, there was this redneck who decided to go hunting.

After a full day of hunting, he didn't kill anything so he decided to pack up and go home when all of a sudden, he sees a bear and decides to shoot it. He fires one shot, but misses.

The bear comes up to him and says, "You just tried to kill me!" But the redneck says no my gun went off by itself, but the bear does not believe him and says, "Now I'm gonna fuck you in the ass." So after the bear is done with the redneck, the redneck says, " fuckin bear, I'm gonna kill you."

and fires again..But he misses for a second time. The bear comes up to him and says, " You just tried to kill me again!"And the redneck says "no, I dropped my gun and it went off again". The bear doesn't believe him and says, " I'm gonna make you suck my dick." So after the bear is done with him he leaves, and the redneck is real mad and fires a third time.

But again he misses. So the bear comes up to him and says, " You didn't come here to hunt, did you?"
 

brilor

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Two rednecks are fishing on their respective sides of the crick.
Just as soon as one redneck put his line in the water, he slung a fish onto the bank.
The other was catching nothing, so he yelled out, "Buddy, I'd sure like to be on your side of the crick!"
"Aight, tell ya whut, I'll shine my flashlight 'cross this river, and you can walk across this little beam of light!" the redneck yelled back.
The other replied, "T'ain't no way, buddy. I know you think I'm a fool! When I get halfway 'cross, you'll turn your flashlight off!"