Rednecks and back woods jokes

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A redneck named Bubba was tired of hearing redneck jokes that so often used the name, Bubba.
He went to court to change it and appeared before a judge who asked, "Sir, why do you want to legally change your name, are you in trouble, hiding from the law, what?"
"No sir, Your Honor. I'm just tired of listening to jokes about rednecks that often use that name. It's Bubba this, Bubba that, so I want my name changed."
The judge asked, "And what name do you want it changed to?"
He said, "Candy."
The judge replied, "Candy? Spell it for me."
He said, "Candy, C-A-N-D-Y, Your Honor."
The judge put the name on the papers before him and said, legally, "Your name is now, Candy."
He rushed over to tell his girlfriend. He knocked on her door and heard, "Who's there?"
He said, "It's me!"
She said, "Come on in Bubba, the doors unlocked."
He said, "It's not Bubba."
She said, "Yes it is, I recognize your voice."
He said, "It ain't Bubba no more cause I done legally changed it."
She asked, "What is it then?"
He said, "Guess."
She said, "Leroy?"
He answered, "No."
She said, "Johnny?"
He answered, "No."
She said, "Hell, I give up, come on in."
He said, "Wait, I'll gives ya a hint. Ya holds it in ya hand and ya puts it in ya mouth."
She replies, "Oh!... Come on in, Peter!"
 

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Two rednecks, Bubba and Ed, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Coors.
The passenger, Bubba, said, "looked that up ahead, Ed, it's a
poll-ice roadblock!! We're going to get busted far drinking' these here beers!!"

"Don't worry, Bubba", Ed said, "we'll just pull over and finish drinking' these beers, and peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."
"What far?, asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talking', OK?, said Ed.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reach the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinking'?"
"No, sir," said Ed. "We're on the patch"
 

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Two rednecks are fishing on their respective sides of the crick.
Just as soon as one redneck put his line in the water, he slung a fish onto the bank.
The other was catching nothing, so he yelled out, "Buddy, I'd sure like to be on your side of the crick!"
"Aight, tell ya whut, I'll shine my flashlight 'cross this river, and you can walk across this little beam of light!" the redneck yelled back.
The other replied, "T'ain't no way, buddy. I know you think I'm a fool! When I get halfway 'cross, you'll turn your flashlight off!"
 

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A redneck named Bubba was tired of hearing redneck jokes that so often used the name, Bubba.
He went to court to change it and appeared before a judge who asked, "Sir, why do you want to legally change your name, are you in trouble, hiding from the law, what?"
"No sir, Your Honor. I'm just tired of listening to jokes about rednecks that often use that name. It's Bubba this, Bubba that, so I want my name changed."
The judge asked, "And what name do you want it changed to?"
He said, "Candy."
The judge replied, "Candy? Spell it for me."
He said, "Candy, C-A-N-D-Y, Your Honor."
The judge put the name on the papers before him and said, legally, "Your name is now, Candy."
He rushed over to tell his girlfriend. He knocked on her door and heard, "Who's there?"
He said, "It's me!"
She said, "Come on in Bubba, the doors unlocked."
He said, "It's not Bubba."
She said, "Yes it is, I recognize your voice."
He said, "It ain't Bubba no more cause I done legally changed it."
She asked, "What is it then?"
He said, "Guess."
She said, "Leroy?"
He answered, "No."
She said, "Johnny?"
He answered, "No."
She said, "Hell, I give up, come on in."
He said, "Wait, I'll gives ya a hint. Ya holds it in ya hand and ya puts it in ya mouth."
She replies, "Oh!... Come on in, Peter!"
 

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Dear Billy Joe Bob,
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your Pa read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 minutes of your home, so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address
because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. I even have a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well, though, Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain, we haven't seen it since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Bubba said it would be too heavy to
send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated; he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back, they drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

Your Favorite Aunt.
 

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[FONT=&quot]A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The lawyer said, 'How can I help you?' [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The farmer said, 'I want to get one of them dayvorces.' [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?'
The farmer said, 'Yes, I got 40 acres'
The lawyer said, 'No, No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit?
The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays.'
The lawyer said, 'No, no, I mean, do you have a case?'
The farmer said, 'No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere.
The lawyer said, 'No, I mean, do you have a grudge?'
The farmer said,'Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere'
The lawyer said, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?'
The farmer said, 'No, we both get up at 4:30.'
By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question .The lawyer said, 'Is your wife a nagger?'
The farmer said, 'No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was one and that's why I wants a dayvorce.'
[/FONT]
 

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[FONT=&quot]Then there was the hillbilly woman who came to the hospital to have her first child. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]A year later she was back for a second child. The next year, almost like clockwork, she was back for her third child.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The hospital staff naturally began to expect her, and she was there, just like clockwork. In the twelfth year - she didn't show, and the staff wondered what happened.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]A couple of years later she shows up, but she's not pregnant.
The hospital staff wonder what happened - did her husband die, or what?
When asked why she hadn't been there having a baby the past couple of years, she replied:
"No, no more. Found out what was causin' it."
[/FONT]
 

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Two farmers, Joe and Bob, lived as neighbors, but didn't like each other much. In 1989, there was a period of -30 degree centigrade cold and Bob and Joe had nothing to do because of it.
So they bet a bottle of vodka who can sit out on the window ledge the longest with a bare ass.
After two hours Bob's wife came home and asked Bob, "What are you doing?"
Bob explained and she said, "Come on... you will only freeze your ass off."
Bob refused as he wanted to win the bet.
Then his wife got an idea. "Let's change places when Joe is looking the other way."
Bob's wife put on the same kind of pullover and cap and traded places with Bob.
Half an hour later Joe's wife came home and asked him, "What are you doing?"
Joe told her and said, "I am determined to win the bottle!"
"You are crazy. Come on in."

"Certainly not, I am already on the winning side. Bob lost his balls half an hour ago!"
 

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Ma and Pa were two hillbillies living out on a farm up in the hills.

Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full. He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn't know what to do to empty the hole.

Ma says, "Why don't you go ask the young'n down the road? He must be smart 'cause he's a college gradjyate." So Pa drives down to the neighbor's house and asks him, "Mr. College gradjyate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don't know what to do to empty it."

The young'n tells him, "Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. While it's in the air the second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole."

Pa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. He goes home and puts them under the outhouse. He then lights them and runs behind a tree.

All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse! Off goes the first stick of dynamite, shooting the outhouse into the air. BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite, spreading poop all over the farm. Then, WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole.

Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, "Ma, are you all right?"

As she pulls up her panties she says, "Yeah, but I'm sure glad I didn't fart in the kitchen!"
 

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Dad was in the field ploughing when he noticed Mary run into the barn. A few seconds later Bruce runs into the barn after her.

After about 20 minutes they still haven't come out of the barn, So Dad decides to see what they are doing.

As he walks into the barn he see's Bruce and Mary and they were 'going to town', Dad thinks to himself that dirty b*****d and picks up a shovel and whacks Bruce on the buttocks with it. Bruce jumps up and runs out side.

Mary was still lying on the floor trying to cover up her modesty; Dad looked down at her and said,
"I didn't think you had it in you, Mary."

"Neither did I dad," said Mary, "Until you Hit him with the Shovel."