Two rabbis - one Reformed and the other Orthodox - were discussing their respective congregations one day. The Reformed rabbi asked the Orthodox leader, "Why don't you let the men and women of your congregation sit together, as they do in my temple?" The Orthodox rabbi - known for his sense of humor - replied: "If you want to know the truth, I don't really mind them sitting together at all. But, you see, my sermons aren't that interesting and I just can't have them 'Sleeping Together'".
A Catholic, a Baptist and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families. "I have four boys and my wife is expecting another," says the Catholic. "One more son, and I'll have a basketball team," "That's nothing," says the Baptist. "I have 10 boys now, and my wife is pregnant with another child. One more son, and I'll have a football team." "That's nothing," says the Mormon. "I have 17 wives. One more wife, and I'll have a golf course."
A farmer was out plowing one day, when his son ran up to the tractor excitedly. "Daddy, there's some preacher come to visit, and Momma wants you to come in and meet him" The farmer said "Son, I have to finish here, but I need your help. Go back inside and tell mom that I'll be there in a little while; find out which preacher it is; and do this: If it's the Catholic priest, hide the bottle of wine, he'll drink it all if you don't. If it's the Lutheran minister, hide the cookie jar with Momma's butter and egg money in it, he'll talk her out of all of it. And if it's the Baptist preacher, you sit on Momma's lap until I get there!"
One morning a man comes into the church on crutches. He stops in front of the holy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs, then throws away his crutches. An altar boy witnessed the scene and runs into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen. Without batting an eye, the priest says, "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle. Tell me, where is this man?" "Over by the holy water, Father. Flat on his ass."
One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said,
"I'll take him, and him, and him.
[FONT="]"For fucks sake, " I can't read this, " said the minister as he read the script for Hugh Hefner's eulogy.[/FONT] [FONT="]"Why not?" asked the undertaker.[/FONT] [FONT="]"Because the fucking pages are stuck together, " replied the minister![/FONT]
[FONT="]A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting.[/FONT] [FONT="]"I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely
terrible about it."[/FONT] [FONT="]"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder. "Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like
it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that
was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards." "Is that when you swore?" "No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of
the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run
away." "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again. "Well, no. says the nun. You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!" "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun. "No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws"
, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball." "Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient. "No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the
sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole." The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the f*****’
putt, didn't you?"
[FONT="]Church Services Of The Future[/FONT] [FONT="]Pastor: "Praise the Lord!"[/FONT] [FONT="]Congregation: "Hallelujah!"[/FONT] [FONT="]Pastor: "Will everyone please turn on their tablet, PC, iPad, smart phone,
and Kindle Bibles to 1 Cor 13:13. And please switch on your Bluetooth to download the sermon." P-a-u-s-e...... "Now, Let us pray committing this week into God's hands. Open your Apps, BBM, Twitter and Facebook, and chat with God" S-i-l-e-n-c-e "As we take our tithes and offerings, please have your credit and debit
cards ready." "You can log on to the church wi-fi using the password 'Lord909887. ' " The ushers will circulate mobile card swipe machines among the worshipers:
• Those who prefer to make electronic fund transfers are directed to
computers and laptops at the rear of the church.
• Those who prefer to use iPads can open them. Those who prefer telephone banking, take out your cellphones to transfer
your contributions to the church account. The holy atmosphere of the Church becomes truly electrified as ALL the
smart phones, iPads, PCs and laptops beep and flicker! Final Blessing and Closing Announcements...
• This week's ministry cell meetings will be held on the various Facebook
group pages where the usual group chatting takes place. Please log in and
don't miss out.
• Thursday's Bible study will be held live on Skype at 1900hrs GMT. Please
don't miss out.
• You can follow your Pastor on Twitter this weekend for counseling and
prayers. God bless you and have nice day.
[FONT="]God's complaining about being exhausted, and St. Peter says, "Why don't you take a little vacation? Go down to Earth for a while."[/FONT]
[FONT="]God says, "Oh, no, no Earth for me. I went down there about two thousand years ago and banged some Jewish broad and they're still talking about it."[/FONT]
Father Murphy was playing golf with a parishioner. On the first hole, he sliced into the rough. His opponent heard him mutter "Hoover !" under his breath. [FONT="]On the second hole, Father Murphy's ball went straight into a water hazard. [FONT="]"Hoover!" again a little louder this time.[/FONT] [FONT="]On the third hole, a miracle occured and Father Murphy's drive landed on the green only six inches from the hole ![/FONT] [FONT="]"Praise be to God !"[/FONT] [FONT="]He carefully lined up the putt, but the ball curved around the hole instead of going in. "HOOVER ! ! !"[/FONT] [FONT="]By this time, his opponent couldn't withhold his curiosity any longer, and asked why the priest said "Hoover".[/FONT] [FONT="]"It's the biggest dam I know."[/FONT]