Religious fervour!

konifur

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:likealllaugh:


Judas: Still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: Yeah, the Last Supper.
Jesus: The what?
Judas: Supper. Ummm.....yeah, normal supper with the guys.
 

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A minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on the church lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing.

"Nothing much, Pastor," replied one boy. "We were just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about their sex life." "Boys, boys, boys!" he scolded. "I'm shocked. When I was your age, I never even thought about sex."

In unison they all replied, "You win!"



 

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[FONT=&quot]A boy is selling fish on a road side. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]To get the customer's attention, he was announcing loudly "Dam fish for sale! Dam fish for sale!! Get your dam fish here!" [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]A pastor heard this and asked, "Why are you calling it as dam fish?." [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The boy responded, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam."
The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asked her to cook the dam fish.
The surprised wife responded "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way."
He explains to her why they are called dam fish.
Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish.
The Son responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass me the f****** potatoes!!!
[/FONT]
 

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[FONT=&quot]After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if[/FONT][FONT=&quot] something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning..
'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms.. (Remember, the Pope is German..)
'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 155 kph.
'So bust him,' says the Chief.
'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason !'
'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.
The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor ?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: ' A senator ?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: 'The Prime Minister ?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it ?'
Cop: 'I think it's 'The Lord' !'
The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's 'The Lord' ?'
Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope !'[/FONT]
 

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[FONT=&quot]One day in the convent the nuns had their morning prayer session. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]At the end of the prayer session the head nun stood up and addressed the rest of the nuns. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]She said, "There was a man in the convent last night."
99 of the nuns go ohhh, and 1 of them goes hee hee hee.
[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]The head nun goes on, "We found a condom in the garden."
Again 99 of the nuns go ohhhh, 1 nun goes hee hee hee.
The head nun continues "There was a hole in that condom."
99 nuns go hee hee hee, 1 nun goes ohhh.

[/FONT]
 

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[FONT=&quot]Once, there was a man who was upset by his past deeds that he decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]When he arrived at the church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the priest, "Father, I am sinful."[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Yes, son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you."[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her."
"That's bad my boy. Fortunately, you realize your mistake."
"Father, last week I went to her office to look for her, but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues. So, I slept with her too."
"That's not very good of you."
"Father, last month, I went to our neighbor’s house to look for her, nobody was around except for the neighbor lady, and I slept with her too."
"Father?.... ..... Father?"
Suddenly, this guy realized that there was no response from the Father. He walked over and discovered that the priest was not there. So, he began searching for him. "Father? Where are you?"
He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano. "Father, why are you hiding here?"
"Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me."
[/FONT]
 

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[FONT=&quot]"The nerve endings," said Gabriel. "How many will I put in her hands?"[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Two-hundred, O Mighty One," replied Gabriel.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Then we shall do the same for this woman," said The Lord.
"How many nerve endings should we put in woman's genitals," inquired Gabriel.
"How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord.
"Four-hundred and twenty, O Mighty One," replied Gabriel.
"Of course. We did want Adam to have a means of receiving extra pleasure in his life, didn't we? Do the same for woman," said The Lord.
"Yes, O Great Lord," said Gabriel.
"No, wait!" said The Lord. "Screw it, give her ten-thousand. I want her to scream out my name."
[/FONT]
 

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[FONT=&quot]A minister would up the services one morning by saying, "next
Sunday I am going to preach on the subject of liars.
[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]And in this connection, as a preparation for my discourse, I would like you all to read the seventeenth chapter of Mark."[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin, and
said, "Now, then, all of you who have done as I requested and
read the seventeenth chapter of Mark, please raise your
hands."

Nearly every hand in the congregation went up.
Then said the preacher, "You are the people I want to talk
to. There is no seventeenth chapter of Mark."

[/FONT]
 

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[FONT=&quot]A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."
The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."
(You're going to love the Dad's reply!)
"Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went..?”

[/FONT]
 

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[FONT=&quot]The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tuti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They noticed that the Pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The next day, after his sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini" - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The next day a gay rights group approached the Pope. They said that they noticed he blessed Mankind and Womankind, and asked if he could also bless gay people. He said, "Sure."
The next day the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti
[/FONT]