The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out behind the parish manse. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens. One Saturday night the cock rooster went missing, and because the priest had heard that cock fights occurred in the village, he decided to question his parishioners about it at church the next morning. At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up. "No, No, " he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" All the women stood up. "No, No", he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?" Half the women stood up. "No, No", he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?" All the nuns, and the two priests stood up.
John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were fixing fish. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood
men got together and decided that something had to be done about John - he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore. They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic." The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved. The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was sitting down to their fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON? They called each other up and decided to meet
over at John's place to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent. The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."
There was an old priest who got sick of
all the people in his parish confessing
to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I
hear one more person confess to
adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came
up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had 'fallen.' This seemed to satisfy the old priest
and things went well until the priest
passed away at a ripe old age. A few days after the new priest arrived,
he visited the mayor of the town and
seemed very concerned. "Mayor, you have to do something
about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional,
they keep telling me they've fallen." The mayor started to laugh, realizing
that no one had told the new priest
about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted,
"I don't know what you're laughing
about, because your wife has fallen
three times this week!"
A woman checked in at the pearly gates
and asked to join her former husband, Walter Smith. Saint Peter said, "We have five million Walter Smiths.
Give us a little clue." The woman said, "My Walter is bald and has blue eyes,
and he said that if I ever slept with another man he'd turn over in his grave." Saint Peter motioned an angel forward. "Take her to Turning Walter!"
A preacher said to a farmer, "Do you belong to the Christian family?" "No," he said, they live two farms down." "No, I mean are you lost?" "No, I've been here thirty years." "I mean, are you ready for Judgment Day?" "When is it?" "Could be today, or tomorrow." "Well, when you find out for sure when it is, you let me know.
My wife will probably want to go both days!
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peter's Square. The first Catholic man tells his friends,
"My son is a priest. When he walks into
a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." The second Catholic man chirps,
"My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic gent says,
"My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic man says very proudly,
"My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'." Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?" She proudly replies,
"I have a daughter, SLIM TALL 38D BREASTS 24" WAIST and 36" HIPS. When she walks into a room, people say,
The St Josephs Convent Nuns where on there lunch break larking about on their Push-Bikes . Then there was this loud roar from the Mother Superior, "Right girls, lunch break over time to come in". Well.. No one took any notice and they where happy to keep playing on their Bikes . This happened about three times . "That's It", roared the Mother Superior. "Get in here now, or tomorrow I will make you put the Bike Seats back on".
A spiritual God visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and sex if she wants to go to heaven. The woman said she would try her best. God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.“Not bad” said the woman,”I’ve given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over to get some stuff out of the freezer and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs, he pulled up my skirt, and made love to me right then and there.” “They don’t like that in heaven”, said God. The woman replied:”They’re not too happy about it in Tesco either!”
A church secretary takes a call. The caller says,"Is the head hog at the trough there?" The secretary says, "Please Sir, do not refer to our pastor as the head hog at the trough. That is very insulting." "Oh, I'm very sorry. I meant nothing by that. It's just a local phase We use in the part of the country I come from.
The real reason I called was to donate $50,000.00 to your building fund." The secretary says, "Hold on. I see the 'Big Oinker' coming through the door right now."