The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out behind the parish manse. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens. One Saturday night the cock rooster went missing, and because the priest had heard that cock fights occurred in the village, he decided to question his parishioners about it at church the next morning. At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up. "No, No, " he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" All the women stood up. "No, No", he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?" Half the women stood up. "No, No", he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?" All the nuns, and the two priests stood up.
John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were fixing fish. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood
men got together and decided that something had to be done about John - he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore. They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic." The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved. The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was sitting down to their fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON? They called each other up and decided to meet
over at John's place to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent. The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."
There was an old priest who got sick of
all the people in his parish confessing
to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I
hear one more person confess to
adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came
up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had 'fallen.' This seemed to satisfy the old priest
and things went well until the priest
passed away at a ripe old age. A few days after the new priest arrived,
he visited the mayor of the town and
seemed very concerned. "Mayor, you have to do something
about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional,
they keep telling me they've fallen." The mayor started to laugh, realizing
that no one had told the new priest
about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted,
"I don't know what you're laughing
about, because your wife has fallen
three times this week!"
A woman checked in at the pearly gates
and asked to join her former husband, Walter Smith. Saint Peter said, "We have five million Walter Smiths.
Give us a little clue." The woman said, "My Walter is bald and has blue eyes,
and he said that if I ever slept with another man he'd turn over in his grave." Saint Peter motioned an angel forward. "Take her to Turning Walter!"
A preacher said to a farmer, "Do you belong to the Christian family?" "No," he said, they live two farms down." "No, I mean are you lost?" "No, I've been here thirty years." "I mean, are you ready for Judgment Day?" "When is it?" "Could be today, or tomorrow." "Well, when you find out for sure when it is, you let me know.
My wife will probably want to go both days!