Religious fervour!

squirt

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brilor

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The Police knocked on my door yesterday and asked me to take down my Islamic State flag.
Turned out I had black tablecloth hung out on the line and a bird had shit on it!
 

brilor

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I knocked on a Jehovah witness's door and asked if they'd be interested in Atheism.
"Do you call on everyone's door spreading this nonsense?" she asked.
"Yes," I replied, " Frigging annoying ain't it!"
 

brilor

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Hitler walks up to the Pearly Gates and says to St Peter, "I'd like to come in."

St Peter: "Not likely!"

Hitler: I've repented and I've given back all the gold and treasures that I stole from the Jews, and I'm really sorry."

At that point, Jesus walks up and asks what's going on. St Peter: "It's Hitler here, he wants to come in."

Jesus: "Bugger off!"

Hitler: "No, it's true! To prove it, I've got a six foot solid gold cross I can't find the owner of. I could give that to you."

Now Jesus was partial to crosses, so he went to see God. Jesus: "Hey Dad, I've got Hitler outside and he wants to come in now he's repented."

God: "Tell him to get lost!"

Jesus: "But Dad, he's given back all the gold that he stole from the Jews - except for a six foot, solid gold cross he can't find the owner for. He says I can have it."

God: "And what do you want with a solid gold cross? You couldn't even carry a sodding wooden one!"
 

brilor

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Halloween must be a great time of the year for Jehovah's Witnesses. All they have to do is wear a mask and their chances of somebody actually opening a fucking door for them improve dramatically.
 

brilor

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"The nerve endings," said Gabriel. "How many will I put in her hands?"

"How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord.

"Two-hundred, O Mighty One," replied Gabriel.

"Then we shall do the same for this woman," said The Lord.

"How many nerve endings should we put in woman's genitals," inquired Gabriel.

"How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord.

"Four-hundred and twenty, O Mighty One," replied Gabriel.

"Of course. We did want Adam to have a means of receiving extra pleasure in his life, didn't we? Do the same for woman," said The Lord.

"Yes, O Great Lord," said Gabriel.

"No, wait!" said The Lord. "Screw it, give her ten-thousand. I want her to scream out my name."
 

brilor

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A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him.
The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first two holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"
The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.
He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.
The first fellow then revealed that he was the Parish Priest. The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation and, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them.