Return To Innocence: Chasing The Sunset & Facing Myself

Bamber

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#21
:loveit:
 

AuroraAngel

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#22
I really appreciate everyone's thoughts and personal stories. I know now that I am not alone. I realized that I am having a problem with being a bit disconnected and it stems from fear. I have been skipping some opportunities to reply to others on the forum because I am afraid others will think I am putting on an act or not being sincere. It's boiling over in my social life in the real world too. I have been "distancing" myself from others.

I just wanted everyone to know that I do pay attention to what you have to say and value your advice, more than you know. :loveall:
 

squirt

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#23
I think I can safely speak for all of us when I say ... we're just glad you're here! :flowerforyou:
 

roadkill

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#24
well said squirt:littleheart:

i am so glad to hear of your progress and so very very proud of you my friend
it isnt a sprint but a marathon eh?...lol
:highf:
 

AuroraAngel

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#25
[QUOTE="squirt, post: 5011092]I think I can safely speak for all of us when I say ... we're just glad you're here! :flowerforyou:[/QUOTE]

I love it here on the Roo and being around the good people here. :squirt: When I do disappear, it's never because of someone else. It's always because I am kicking my own ass over something I wrote. :heehee:
 

AuroraAngel

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#26
[QUOTE="roadkill, post: 5011095]well said squirt:littleheart:

i am so glad to hear of your progress and so very very proud of you my friend
it isnt a sprint but a marathon eh?...lol
:highf:
[/QUOTE]


Sure is...lol :highf: :thankyou:
 

AuroraAngel

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#27


Update:

I have been slowly having revelations about myself and with them, a lot of pain that can't be explained and moments of joy that I also cannot explain. My biggest revelation was that I am a perfectionist and have been since I was very young. I am not going into it deeply but basically, I tried over and over to be the perfect child/youth/adult all my life to find acceptance in my family where none was to be found. I am now learning to just accept myself as is and live my life knowing that I am perfectly okay as me.

I have a bit of a story to share with everyone. It's kind of embarrassing too...lol

I have a collection of teddy bears. :peekaboo:

My husband, bless his heart, read on the internet that teddy bears help with depression and anxiety so the onslaught of bears started...lol He wanted me to have them everywhere so I would never feel sad. Love him to pieces for it! I have 5 teddy bears in my home in different rooms, 1 he bought for me to carry in my purse (which I do faithfully lol) and now a new teddy bear friend in my car that he calls my driving companion LOL

He bought the bear for me the day I learned about Sassy. When I got the email from Manzy about Sassy, my response was of such shock and devastation, I couldn't drive myself to therapy and I couldn't stop the tears as he drove me there. When I came out of group, I was greeted by the biggest teddy bear I have ever seen sitting in the back seat of my car. He told me I have to leave the bear in the car so I would have "company" when I drive alone. As awkward as it is driving around with this bear in the car, I will proudly drive around with it there. Here is a couple of pictures of it...







I have the best husband ever and even though it is embarrassing, I will cherish these bears for as long as I live. :teddyheart:

 

Sexylady007

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#28
I can so relate to you so much that it's almost scary.. I too love teddy bears I love your new car buddy and your hubby is so sweet I love this story and nothing to be embarrassed about I say what ever helps life is too short to worry about what others people think if your happy that's all that counts Sis ...:clap::lotsalove::xxsandoos:
 

AuroraAngel

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#29
[QUOTE="Sexylady007, post: 5022893]I can so relate to you so much that it's almost scary.. I too love teddy bears I love your new car buddy and your hubby is so sweet I love this story and nothing to be embarrassed about I say what ever helps life is too short to worry about what others people think if your happy that's all that counts Sis ...:clap::lotsalove::xxsandoos:[/QUOTE]



Great advice, Sis, and I will remember it always. :littleheart: I struggle so much with how people view me (that perfectionist part I talked about) and with time and practice, I will learn to not be so worried about what people think of me.
:iheartyou:
 

Sexylady007

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#30
[QUOTE="AuroraAngel, post: 5022904]

Great advice, Sis, and I will remember it always. :littleheart: I struggle so much with how people view me (that perfectionist part I talked about) and with time and practice, I will learn to not be so worried about what people think of me.
:iheartyou:[/QUOTE]

Well I think the world of you ...:iheartyou:
 

squirt

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#32
to this very day, the word "stupid" hits me where no other word does, it comes from being called stupid the whole time I was growing up, it drove me for far too long, made me hell bent on proving that I wasn't, until the day that I realized that it wasn't the word that had me captive, it was the power I was giving to it
such is the case with other people's opinions of us, I love the Dr Phil quote about it, that we shouldn't worry about what other people think of us, they rarely do
and as I watch people all day long, I can see the truth in it
you can be anything you want to be, the power lies in you, not in other people
one of the things I like about online friendships is that we get to know a person, without any prejudgements ... a lot of the time, without even knowing what they look like
and we find an acceptance that's far too hard to find in real life
one thing has been crystal clear from the first day I met you, that you have a beautiful heart, and of all the things in life to have, that's number one to me
and one thing has become crystal clear, you have a great hubby! lol :bravo:
love that bear, he did good! :goldstar:
:iheartyou2:
 

Sexylady007

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#33
[QUOTE="squirt, post: 5022965]to this very day, the word "stupid" hits me where no other word does, it comes from being called stupid the whole time I was growing up, it drove me for far too long, made me hell bent on proving that I wasn't, until the day that I realized that it wasn't the word that had me captive, it was the power I was giving to it
such is the case with other people's opinions of us, I love the Dr Phil quote about it, that we shouldn't worry about what other people think of us, they rarely do
and as I watch people all day long, I can see the truth in it
you can be anything you want to be, the power lies in you, not in other people
one of the things I like about online friendships is that we get to know a person, without any prejudgements ... a lot of the time, without even knowing what they look like
and we find an acceptance that's far too hard to find in real life
one thing has been crystal clear from the first day I met you, that you have a beautiful heart, and of all the things in life to have, that's number one to me
and one thing has become crystal clear, you have a great hubby! lol :bravo:
love that bear, he did good! :goldstar:
:iheartyou2:
[/QUOTE]
Very well said and I agree 100% with you...Squirt your pretty darn Amazing in every way your words help me too so thank you ever so much.
:iheartyou:
 

AuroraAngel

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#34
[QUOTE="squirt, post: 5022965]to this very day, the word "stupid" hits me where no other word does, it comes from being called stupid the whole time I was growing up, it drove me for far too long, made me hell bent on proving that I wasn't, until the day that I realized that it wasn't the word that had me captive, it was the power I was giving to it
such is the case with other people's opinions of us, I love the Dr Phil quote about it, that we shouldn't worry about what other people think of us, they rarely do
and as I watch people all day long, I can see the truth in it
you can be anything you want to be, the power lies in you, not in other people
one of the things I like about online friendships is that we get to know a person, without any prejudgements ... a lot of the time, without even knowing what they look like
and we find an acceptance that's far too hard to find in real life
one thing has been crystal clear from the first day I met you, that you have a beautiful heart, and of all the things in life to have, that's number one to me
and one thing has become crystal clear, you have a great hubby! lol :bravo:
love that bear, he did good! :goldstar:
:iheartyou2:
[/QUOTE]

You said it all, Squirt. You are an incredible woman and I adore you. You always lift people up (sometimes to a higher standard) with your thoughts and golden heart. Back in the day, I wanted to surround myself with the intelligent people because I too hated being called stupid. Now I have surrounded myself with the people that have it all, intelligence, humor, kind souls, and the list goes on and on. I have surrounded myself with the best people on Earth!



:iheartyou:


 

AuroraAngel

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#35
[QUOTE="Sexylady007, post: 5022906]Well I think the world of you ...:iheartyou:[/QUOTE]

You are the world to me also, Sis, and I love you too. I am having severe bouts of pain and confusion so I won't be around much today. I'll be okay, just takes time to relax my mind. :blowhearts:

[QUOTE="Bamber, post: 5022948]:loveit:[/QUOTE]

Thank you so much, Bamber. You are a pretty amazing man and I hope you have a great day!
 

roadkill

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#36
:bravo:..your hubby sure is a special man and i love how he shows you his love
goold stars for him..i love that bear
 

AuroraAngel

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#38
[QUOTE="Bamber, post: 5009978]I pray you have every success on your journey. I know I have been lucky in my life, not suffering either mentally or physically until fairly recently, when I found myself to be mentally stronger that I expected.

I don't know if it will help you, or anyone else, but I found the fear of something is more of a problem than the thing feared, and knowing and remembering that has helped me to reduce the impact of the fear: it is still there, but lessened by this knowledge.

We all have to cope in our own way, but advice and the experience and support of others can provide signposts along that way.
[/QUOTE]



I didn't deliberately ignore your post, Bamber, and I am slowly learning that you are right in what you had to say.
Lately fear has played a big role in my daily life and I am beginning to wonder what keeps me going from day to day. I know that pain is part of life and fearing things is a part of life and realizing it will lessen its impact and it truly does but seventeen years of therapy and medications haven't helped me at all.

I feel like the biggest error ever born into this world. My anxiety and depression have seriously impacted my life and my family's life as well. I have tried blowing it all off as a bad day or distracting myself from it all with animations or games or chores around my home. I wonder sometimes if I am going too much against the grain, yanno? Instead of fighting against the pain I feel perhaps I should just accept it as a part of my life. Maybe I need a good grieving period...I don't know anymore. I don't have the answers. If I did, I would fix it and carry on.
I'm not going to do anything stupid. I never have and never will. I'm just tired, physically, emotionally, and mentally, tired.



 

squirt

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#39
you're here for a reason, whether you see it or not, nobody is put on this earth without purpose, look at your son, was he an error? he wouldn't exist if you didn't first
I know a lot of people who are glad you're a part of life, me included ♥

I don't presume to have the the magic words to make things better for you, but I do wonder if there's One who does, He makes all things new again
I don't know where you stand on faith, and I don't want to step on your toes, but I know what He's done for me, and I know when you go into the bible looking for answers, that's what you'll find
my faith is in Him ... and in you :rose:
 

AuroraAngel

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#40
[QUOTE="squirt, post: 5071578]you're here for a reason, whether you see it or not, nobody is put on this earth without purpose, look at your son, was he an error? he wouldn't exist if you didn't first
I know a lot of people who are glad you're a part of life, me included ♥

I don't presume to have the the magic words to make things better for you, but I do wonder if there's One who does, He makes all things new again
I don't know where you stand on faith, and I don't want to step on your toes, but I know what He's done for me, and I know when you go into the bible looking for answers, that's what you'll find
my faith is in Him ... and in you :rose:
[/QUOTE]

You haven't stepped on my toes and I thank you for your advice and kindness. If anything, I do know I have some blessings in my life. I have seen them all along, in my family and friends and my loving husband. It's just depressing to not be able to be the woman I was before I had the breakdown and to watch everything around me fall apart because of my illness. It's hard to explain. It's more than an illness, it's a disease. It's one that I will never be rid of completely and I accept that part of it. It would just be nice to live a bit of life again.
Don't get me wrong, I have seriously considered turning to God and the bible many times. Perhaps it's time I do.
Thank you, my friend
:rose: